Everything I touch feels like it’s far away. Even time seems to be stretched out before me. A part of me worries that I will never see you again. I know how ridiculous that is. Really. I just don’t know what to do without you – at least one of you. I miss you all terribly.
The work is really satisfying, though. It’s going to make all of this worth it. More than worth it even, but it is hard to be without you. Even a week has been such a challenge. My concentration has been pretty fucked up, along with my focus. I’m fine on the qualitative evaluations, but the quantitative analytics have been awful. I’ve had to pass the math and projections off to Malcom twice this week while I get to interpret the data. I’m a little worried I’m getting off to a bad start with my team, but I think I can turn it around.
On a more or less unrelated note, there is nothing here to fuck but two sex toys and two gay guys. I am obviously not happy about it, and that in itself pisses me off, because there’s nothing I can do about the causal stimulus. You know how worrying about stuff that I can’t affect drives me crazy, and that craziness compounds in the most ridiculous way. Seriously, ridicule me.
I want to be ready to work in the mornings, but that means I face the choice of being very tired or very horny when I wake up. I can get myself off, but it takes a lot of energy to get done what needs to be done. If I don’t cum though, I am twitchy and weird all day, and I can tell it shows. A couple of times while we were out in the field I have excused myself into the brush, where I took a suspiciously long time, since I was actually getting myself off. The second time I must have been gone too long, since Derek actually came looking for me. Fortunately, I heard him coming and tidied myself up, but I’m honestly not sure if he saw me or not before I did. It definitely seemed like he probably suspected me of something.
In some ways, resisting urges that I have no ability whatsoever to act on by default is more frustrating than expending great effort to resist actual temptation. Far more frustrating, actually. I don’t have anything to do with the energy my brain is allocating to that process, and I have to consciously redirect it just so I don’t feel like I’m going to explode. Last night I fucked myself with my vibrator on max and smashed my clit with the wand; my pillow was wet with tears.
I suppose that in the end, what I’m saying is that I miss you all and I love you. It is hard being away from you for even a night, and I am very scared of the coming months. I can’t wait for the moments when I see you again. I can’t wait until we gather in our home with our friends to drink wine and laugh while we tell all the stories I know we are going to come back with.
