Having lounged in bed following an intense hour of lovemaking, we had to hustle to get to our courses. We travelled together and arrived just as classes began for the day. I kissed her and she ran to her workshop. She was a beautiful sight as she ran down the corridor, her long dark hair weaving a frantic tapestry as she moved. I smiled, walked to my room and ambled inside to a severely angry look on the teacher’s face. I found an empty seat at the back of the room and sat down. The guy snapped his fingers in my direction. I ignored him. He tried again, something snapped inside me. I decided to go into Peter mode.
“I sincerely hope you aren’t snapping your fingers at me, pal,” I said.
“I beg your pardon?” he asked, incredulously.
“Are you deaf?”
“What?”
“I know a good ear guy that can sort that out for you.”
“How dare you speak to me in that tone?”
“Listen, pal, if I were you I’d quit while you’re not that far behind.”
“What’s your name?”
“Please.”
“What?”
“There you go again. You really should get that looked at.”
“I won’t ask you again.”
“Great, because it’s getting old and we’re losing time here, so carry on with your work, like a good little man.”
“I’ll have to ask you to leave the group.”
“You can’t ask me that.”
“I’m the instructor, I can do anything I please.”
“No, you can’t. We’re not pupils getting a free ride here, we’re getting paid to be here, and thereby come under the Employee Workers Regulations Act. If you don’t want a strike on your hands, or get bound up in court for being a workplace bully, I suggest you turn around and write something on that fucking board so we’re not here until doomsday. Pal.“
He fumed as most of the class started laughing.
“We’ll see about that,” he said, and stormed out of the room.
The chap sitting in the seat beside me started laughing.
“What’s funny?” I asked.
“Oh, everything,” he said.
“Care to expand?”
“Quit while you’re not that far behind,” he said, “that was fucking brilliant.”
I laughed too.
“Tony Harris,” I said, offering him my hand.
“Deco Carroll,” he said, shaking it.
“A fellow Dub. Where are you from?”
“Coolock.”
“No fucking way,” I said, “whereabouts?”
“Kilmore West, just there at Lorcan Estate.”
“I’m from Cromcastle, small world.”
“Harris?” he said, “my sister, Nikita, goes to school with a girl called Sinéad Harris from there. Any relation?”
“She’s my sister.”
“I’ve been in your house.”
“Doing what?”
“Shagging her.”
“Fuck off,” I said, shaping to stand up.
He started laughing again.
“Relax, I’m messing with you,” he said, “I was collecting Nikki, Sinéad was helping her with her Maths.”
“You’re a wind up merchant, I see.”
“A bit. Not as good as you, though.”
“In what sense?”
“That load of waffle you just came out with, did that just come to you?”
“Yeah, just keeping him off balance.”
“He’ll come back, though.”
“Probably.”
“What’ll you do then?”
“I’ll either stand my ground or just take it up the arse.”
“Stay quiet, let him get it off his chest,” Deco said.
I was about to reply when the instructor came back. He was accompanied by Frieda. He pointed at me and whispered something in her ear, his hand moving animatedly as he spoke. Deco stuck his hand in the air. Frieda lifted her head in acknowledgement.
“Can I ask a question please?”
“Certainly,” she said with a slight smile.
“When does the clown show finish?”
“I beg your pardon?”
“I didn’t realise we’d been sent over to the circus, I thought we were here to be treated seriously, like adults. I was assured that the instructors here were educated and erudite, knowledgeable and intuitive, not overgrown children throwing tantrums,” he said.
“Can I ask your name please?” she asked.
Deco stood up and looked at the instructor.
“See that, dickhead?” he said to the instructor, “that’s how a professional asks for someone’s name. No clicking fingers, no ignorant outpourings. My name is Declan Carroll, can I ask yours too, please?”
“Thank you, it’s Frieda Cafferty.”
“It’s lovely to meet you, Frieda,” he said, “now can we get this thing moving? Or are we going home to report this to our bosses?”
“I suggest we all calm down. There appears to have been a misunderstanding. Can we start again and hopefully progress from there?” she said.
“I’ll give him an hour to impress me. After that, I’m getting in my car and driving back home as fast as I can. I can do without this shit.”
“Thank you, Declan, I’ll leave you all to get acquainted,” she said and turned to leave.
I touched Deco’s hand with my finger.
“Nicely done.”
“I’d fucking love to shag that Frieda. I’d say she’s a right little raver in the sack.”
“She has nice little tits and an elegant little arse too,” I said, “do you think she’s wearing a thong?”
“I think she’d like to, but propriety might dictate otherwise. I’d suggest a Brazilian style. Lace?”
“Not cotton?”
“I doubt it, no ventilation and evocative of an older woman, besides, you don’t sashay like that in cotton underwear. It’s definitely lace.”
“Good call, colour?”
“Difficult. I’m torn between black and pink.”
“Not white?”
“Impractical.”
“Do we have a connoisseur here?”
“I know what I like, I’m just a phobe.”
“Fuck you, Deco. Now I need to know.”
“I’ll give it a go at lunchtime,” he said, his eyes becoming distant.
We started laughing as the instructor took his place behind his desk.
“I’m Conor Devoy, can I get your names please?” he said, clearing his throat and trying to look erudite.
Strike one for the proletariat.
Deco and I walked to the cafeteria during the mid-morning break. All of these places were the same and this one wasn’t much different. It had the effect of numbing one’s mind. The cafeteria was a hive of activity, though. It was loud, with the vibrant hum of a young crowd of people talking and laughing in the way that young people interact with each other.
A table near the centre of a large glazed wall overlooking a sports field, appeared to have been set aside for staff. It had no signage to indicate that it was dedicated as such, the presence of Frieda, Conor and three other staff members, simply suggested that it was. We poured two coffees and grabbed a handful of biscuits each and wandered over to them. I pulled out a chair and sat down at the table, Deco did the same.
“You can’t sit there, chaps,” Conor said.
“Why not?” I asked.
“It’s for staff.”
“Sorry,” I said, “I didn’t realise, there’s nothing to indicate that.”
“Isn’t there a staff canteen?” Deco asked.
“It’s being decorated,” Conor said.
“So this isn’t a dedicated table for staff then,” I said.
“Not as such.”
“There isn’t anywhere else for us to sit,” Deco said, “can we eat in the classroom?”
“That’s usually not allowed,” Frieda said, “although I usually take lunch in my office.”
“It’s not an ideal situation, Frieda, is it?” Deco said, pulling his chair over beside her.
They got into a discussion as I looked around checking everyone out. Conor came and sat beside me.
“Sorry about that this morning, Tony,” he said, “I was out of line.”
“Yeah, I didn’t help matters either,” I said, “I was a bit too prickly, I get that way when somebody disrespects me. We’re stuck with each other for a while so let’s just move on.”
We shook hands and chatted about our jobs for a while as Deco and Frieda left the table and left the room, chatting animatedly as they walked. Deco said something in her ear and she laughed coquettishly, pushing her hips into his side in playful admonition as they disappeared through the door.
Two girls from our class came over holding a tray each.
“Can we sit here, please?” the tall, blonde one asked, “we’re in the same class, I’m Jess and this is Ella.”
“Certainly,” I said, “I’m just leaving in any case, I need a smoke.”
I left the table. It was only a thirty-minute break, so I went outside and lit up. Mags and a couple of her classmates found me and came over. She seemed happy and I left them to get to know each other, removing myself to the side, out of their space. This wasn’t my scene at all. I took out my phone and checked in at home. I also checked through my emails, everything was good. No texts either. I lit another smoke and leaned my back against the wall.
“You look like a man who lost a tenner and found a fiver,” a voice invaded my empty head.
I looked at her, thin, dark hair in a bun, round wire glasses. Dressed like an architect.
“Sorry, I was miles away,” I said.
“Where were you?”
“Oh, off in a place I haven’t been for years.”
“That’s a little too oblique for me.”
“The obliquity of life,” I said, and blew smoke out through my lips, “a handy tool to master.”
“That’s profound.”
“Is it?” I said.
“Where are you from?”
“Dublin.”
“I’d never have known by the accent,” she said, laughing.
“No?” I took a final drag from my smoke and stamped it out on the ground.
“Nice to meet you either way,” I said and walked away.
I went out to the car and sat in the driver’s seat listening to the radio. My phone dinged a text.
“Where’d you go?”
It was Mags, I ignored it.
I didn’t want to be in the building. I wanted to drive away. Take a tour of the coast, anything. Anywhere. But I had to wait for Mags so that wasn’t an option. I let the seat recline and closed my eyes but sleep wouldn’t come. What the fuck? I couldn’t sit there all day, I’d have went fucking insane.
I decided on a walk around the campus, it was a bit chilly but I’d suffer the cold for a bit. My head was tormenting me. Projecting different visions and memories on to the big screen of my mind. I was walking across a playing field when I heard a group of youthful voices having a go at each other. They were playing football and were screaming at me to kick a ball, that had gone astray, back to them. I looked at it disdainfully and walked on. One of them called me a wanker. He was probably right.
I skirted the playing fields and wandered in to a large building that housed a swimming pool. It was empty, save for a few girls who were practicing something in the water. Probably getting wet. They were carefree as they chatted and encouraged each other and one of them waved at me, calling me over. I lifted a hand and walked away.
In a building next door I found solitude and silence. It had a lot of gymnasium equipment stored along the walls and I found an old timber exercise horse behind a stack of other equipment. It had the top two sections removed and left lying on the floor behind it. I laid on top of the leather cushioned top and let myself collapse onto it. It was dark when I woke. I couldn’t see my watch to tell the time.
I heard that finger clicking sound that I hated, constant, annoying, mocking. “You can’t do that, Anto!” Mags was saying, over and over again.
“You can’t sit there!” I heard in the distance.
“Where did you go?”
Click. Click. Click.
Constantly ticking off the countdown of my life.
“I’m Ella.”
“I’m Jess.”
“I’m Tony, not Anto.”
“Where did you go, Anto?”
Click. Click. Click.
I sat up. Wide awake.
“You look like a man who lost a tenner and found a fiver.”
“That’s profound.”
“I’m not fucking Anto!”
“Where are you from?”
Click. Click. Click.
I laid my head on the leather, curled up in a ball.
“You can’t do that, Anto.”
“Fuck off Mags.”
“Anthony Harris! Language!”
“Where are you from?”
I woke with a start and shook my head. I was alone. I managed to get myself on to my feet and stretch my arms out above my head. I waited for several minutes to try and adjust my eyes to the darkness and eventually found the door I had came in through but it was locked shut. I raised my hand to bang on it but had second thoughts about it. Nobody was looking for me. What did it matter? I sat back down on the timber gymnasium floor and dozed off again.
“What are you doing?”
“I don’t know, you’re the girl.”
“Kiss me first.”
“For what, it’s stupid!”
“What are you doing?”
“I don’t fucking know!”
“Anthony?”
“My Mam.”
“Where are you going?”
“Home, this is a waste of time.”
I woke suddenly as the early morning light bled through a skylight in the roof of the building. I could finally see my watch, 7:20. Fuck! I was cold, hungry and I needed a shave in the worst possible way. I found a bathroom through a door beside the mess of equipment and went to use it, catching sight of my reflection in a mirror above an old cracked sink. I turned the taps on the sink, thinking I’d splash some water on my face, but it was disconnected. Either that or it was just fucked. I lashed out at it with my foot and almost broke my foot. Idiot!
Through another door was, what appeared to be, an office of some kind. It had a large window with several openings. I chose the largest one and tried to open it but it was seized shut. I was on the point of smashing the glass but that might be frowned upon by the college administrators, so I searched further for an escape route. All of the windows were in the same condition, but one pair of double doors offered hope.
I worked on loosening the flush bolts holding the slave leaf securely shut, manipulating them slowly to ease them free of their seats in the floor and the top of the doorframe. It took a while but they eventually freed and I could push the doors open by exerting pressure on the rebate holding them secure. They eventually eased outwards, allowing a cold Atlantic breeze blow right through my white shirt. I walked to freedom and made my way to the car which was surrounded by police and a few onlookers.
Not wishing to engage with anyone, I kept walking. I heard a voice.
“Anto! Anto!”
It was Mags, running after me. I tried to run but I fell over and banged my head. I woke up in a hospital room three days later. Mags beside my bed, holding my hand while my mother stood behind her.
“Mam,” I said, she stepped forward. I zonked out again.
I was asleep but I heard someone crying.
“This is your fault again, Margaret O’Donoghue.”
I heard crying.
Mags.
I opened my eyes. Mags was gone, just me and my mother in the room, she was holding my hand and had her face right up against mine.
“Anthony? Are you awake? Can you hear me?”
“Where am I, Mam?”
“Hospital. You had some kind of episode, but you’re going to be ok.”
“Where am I?”
“Galway.”
“Galway?”
“Yes, do you remember driving over here?”
I turned my face away from her.
“I’m sorry, Mam.”
“For what?”
“Everything.”
“You’re a good boy, Anthony. You always were. Good, kind, with a beautiful soul and a huge heart.”
“Mags was here.”
“She’s gone now.”
“Where?”
“I don’t know and I don’t fucking care.”
“I heard that noise.”
“Yes.”
“Something failed in my head.”
“You had an episode, that’s all.”
I went black again.
I was in a dark place at the back of the shopping centre. Mags was there, we were kissing like goldfish. It was boring. I felt her pull my hand and bring it up under her dress. Her legs were very hairy. It grossed me out. I tried to pull away but she held on to me. Forcing my hand into her knickers. I pushed her away. She shouted and screamed at me. She fell as everyone came running. I ran away home and hid in my room.
I woke up.
“Anthony?” my Mam whispered as she stroked my face.
“I didn’t do anything to her, Mam.”
“I know, son.”
“Why would she say that I did?”
“She’s a little bitch, that’s why.”
“She’s staying at my apartment.”
“No, I threw her out, she was trying to use you again.”
“My head is fucked up.”
“It’s little wonder.”
“Where’s Sinéad?”
“She’s outside, worried sick.”
“Deco Carroll is down here. He knows Sinéad.”
“Declan is outside with her. He hasn’t left the hospital since you came in. He’s a lovely lad.”
“Where’s Mags?”
“Gone.”
“Where?”
“I don’t know, son.”
“How long am I here?”
“Three weeks.”
“Ok. I’d better let the office know.”
“They know already. Peter is outside too.”
“Ok. Good. I thought they’d forgotten me.”
“No, they haven’t.”
“I remember what happened that night.”
“Good, you can put it aside now. It’s all over.”
“Ruth asked me, but I couldn’t tell her.”
“Who is Ruth?”
I went dark again.
“It’s kind of embarrassing and creepy, Ruth. I’d rather not say.”
“Close that blind, Anto.”
“I’m not fucking Anto.”
“Tony. Tony. Tony.”
“Peter.”
“Where are you from?”
The sun pierced my vision as my eyes opened. There was a weight on my shoulder. I was lying in a bed. Peter and my Mam stood over me. Deco sat on a bedside chair. Someone was lying on the bed beside me.
I raised a hand in acknowledgment, hopeful smiles permeated everyone’s face. Peter held up a mirror. I looked like shit. I was pale and wan, unshaven and my hair was a sticky and uncontrollable mess.
“What the fuck, lads?” I said, and tried to sit up.
“Sinéad, love,” I said, to the girl that lay on my chest, “can I sit up please?”
“You decided to return to the land of the living, Tony,” Peter said.
“Mam?”
“Yes, son, I’m here.”
“Can someone tell me what the fuck is going on?”
“I’ll get the doctor, he’s in the next room.”
“Where am I, Peter?”
“You’re safe, young master,” he said, a tear of relief in his eye.
“Your eye is leaking there,” I pointed out.
“I have a cold.”
Everyone laughed harder than the remark deserved. He took my hand and squeezed it.
“It’s great to have you back.”
“Thanks.”
“Don’t fucking do that again.”
“I need to know what I did first,” I said, “where the fuck am I?”
“You’re in Galway Regional Hospital, Mr. Harris,” a voice of authority boomed from the doorway.
I sat up and saw a doctor and two nurses making their way to the bedside. The taller of the two was quite a little fox. I took her hand, she smiled.
“Can you go away and come back later when I get cleaned up?” I said to her.
“Not the place, Tony,” Deco said, laughing.
“I think Mr. Harris is on the mend,” the doctor said.
Peter bent down and whispered in my ear.
“I’ll give you until the end of the day before I shift the blonde nurse.”
I started laughing. My Mam kissed me as the doctor ordered everyone out. Sinéad wouldn’t let go of my hand, I smiled at her and winked.
“Can my sister stay, doc?”
“Just immediate family for now.”
Everyone filed out of the room and the doctor sat on the bed beside me. The taller nurse stood beside him.
“I’m Tony,” I said to her,
“She’s involved,” the doctor said.
“I just introduced myself, doctor.”
“Your reputation precedes you, Mr. Harris,” the doctor said, and they all laughed, but I was watching how her eyes crinkled slightly as she laughed and my heart turned over.
“I’m Críona, Mr. Harris,” she said and touched my hand.
“Tony,” I said.
“Tony, lovely to meet you,” she said, as I took her fingers in mine, a semi making its presence felt under the blankets.
“Ok,” the doctor said, “I need to do a quick evaluation, so if you’d all step outside for five minutes, please?”
“What happened to me, doc?” I asked, “how did I get here? When did I get here?”
“You appear to have had some form of emotional trauma. Possibly caused by a reaction to a childhood incident and repressed somewhere in your memory.”
“That caused me to flake out?”
“No. It was complicated by the fact that you had a severe blow to the head, causing some slight swelling of your brain. It appears you may have struck a rock, or something of equal substance, when you fell,” he said, “you’ve been here for close to six weeks, drifting in and out of consciousness.”
“Ok,” I said, “so when can I go home?”
He laughed.
“Oh, all of a sudden you want to leave us?”
I looked at Críona and smiled, “some of you at least.”
“We’ll see how it goes, Mr. Harris,“ he said, “but we’ll need to establish your current state of health. We’ll run a few tests and, all being well, you may possibly be able to recuperate at home in about a week or so.”
“What tests, doc?”
“I suppose the most immediate ones will be to asses your mobility and your state of mind,” he said, “the psychologist will be in the hospital this afternoon. Do you feel up to meeting her?”
“Yes, I think so,” I said.
“Good. I’ll send the physiotherapist in before lunch,” he said, “but I’d like to see if you can get out of the bed.”
“Now?”
“Do you not feel up to it?”
“Yes, of course,” I said.
“Ok,” he said, and placed his clipboard on the bedside locker.
The two nurses came to my side and pulled the covers off me. I sat up a bit more and did my best to assist by lessening the weight they’d have to lift. They eased me into a standing position and held my hands as their free arms cradled my back. I felt a little lightheaded as I reached my full, standing height.
“How does that feel, Mr. Harris?” Críona asked me.
“Call me Tony,” I asked her.
“Ok, how does that feel, Tony?”
“It’s ok.”
“Do you want to try standing unaided?”
“Yes.”
They released me and I stumbled slightly, catching myself on the bed to prevent a fall.
“You’re a little unsteady,” the doctor said, “only to be expected.”
“Will I fetch a walking frame?” the other nurse asked him.
“What do you think, Mr. Harris?” he asked.
“Call me Tony” I said, “no, I think I’ll be able to manage.”
“I’ll hold you,” Críona said, and she eased me forward.
The first nervous steps were difficult but it soon came back to me. We walked to the door of the room and back to the bed. I was sweating profusely but I was mobile, at least. She sat me on the bed and the doctor shone a light in my eyes and did a few little manipulations.
“Your heart rate is high,” he said, as he placed his stethoscope to my chest.
“That’s Críona’s fault,” I laughed.
She turned a bright pink colour, but they all laughed. I noticed Peter looking through the glass panel on the door. He raised his eyes and shook his head, then gave me a thumbs up.
“We’ll need to do an MRI Scan of your head,” he said, “to assess the swelling. You appear to have most of your faculties, however, so, hopefully, it’s just a formality.”
“Thanks, doctor,” I said, “any idea what time the food truck arrives? I’m starving.”
“Your Social Staff seem to be handling your affairs,” he said, as he opened the door to show me what was going on.
Peter was directing operations. He had my phone to his ear and was taking calls enquiring about my health. He also had a daily record of calls noted in his diary. I called him in as the doctor left.
“What’s the story?” I asked.
“We’re accepting applications for visiting time slots,” he said, seriously, “once we get the definitive info from the doc, we can begin the scheduling of visitors.”
“What the fuck?”
“Look, how would it be if you had, say, Aisling, Natalie, Penny, Chloe, Marie, Gemma, Ciara, Tara and, what was the name of the one with the leopard print G-string again?”
“Clodagh.”
“Yes, Clodagh. What would happen if they all decided to just show up here at the same time? I’ll tell you what’d happen, my friend, world war fucking three. Pardon my French, Críona.”
“They’re all just friends, Críona,” I said, making a face at Peter.
“Oh, I didn’t realise,” he said with a smirk, “well if that’s the case allow me to allow a friend called, Sabrina, who also mentioned a Melissa, to visit for a while.”
“What?”
“There’s a girl called, Sabrina, outside. You’ve been keeping very quiet about her.”
I looked at my Mam, who was trying not to laugh.
“Furthermore, who, or what, the fuck is a thing called ‘Mysterious Lover?’”
“I don’t know what you mean, Peter,” I said looking around the room at all of the amused expressions.
“A text here from Mysterious Lover.”
“Do you ever think of me, Tony? I love you with all my heart.”
“He loves you with all of his heart, Tony,” he said, “he loves you.”
He had that satisfied glint in his eye and he was reveling in my discomfort. I decided to feign sleep. I heard a soft voice from the doorway.
“Tony? What happened, love?”
“Helen,” I said, as she came and kissed me, “you look amazing. What are you doing here?”
“I heard you were in hospital. I had to come see you,” she said.
“How are you?” I asked.
“Never mind me, Tony,” she said, “I’m fine, thanks to you.”
She held my hand as she spoke, I looked at my Mam. She was confused.
“Helen McFadden,” I said, “this is everyone. Everyone, this is Helen.”
I reached out to my Mam and she took my other hand.
“This is my mother, Helen.”
“Lovely to meet you, Helen,” she said, “how do you two know each other?”
“Tony, eh, knows my husband, he did him a huge favour recently.”
“How is Tom?” I asked.
“He took your advice and he’s great now,” she said, “he’s in the Gulf this week closing off a deal and we’re off to California for the winter and, Tony, I’m pregnant.”
I did a quick count back in my head. I was in the clear.
“That’s fantastic news, Helen,” I said, “come here and give me a hug.”
She gave me a quick hug and departed with a theatrical frown. I smiled and watched her leave, Peter was staring at me in amusement. He cocked an eyebrow and I gave him a slight nod. My mother witnessed the exchange and placed a large bag on the bed.
“Ok, Anthony,” she said, taking a bowl and some cutlery from the bag, “you need to eat something decent.”
“What have you got, Mam?” I said, “I’d eat a baby’s arse through the bars of a chair.”
She pulled a large thermos out and unscrewed the stopper.
“I made a coddle.”
She filled the bowl to its halfway point as Críona helped me to sit up. She screwed the cap back on it and left it on the locker before emptying the room of people so I could eat in peace and without an audience.
“So that’s a coddle, is it?” Críona said.
“Yes, she makes the best one, Críona. Do you want to try some?”
“I wouldn’t mind.”
“Would you not?” I said with a grin, “I wouldn’t mind either.”
She blushed again.
“You know what I mean.”
“Yes, I do,” I said and touched her hand, “and I hope you know what I mean too.”
“I think I do, now be quiet and eat your soup,” she said, “I’ll take you for your walk when you’re done.”
“Here,” I said, handing her the spoon, “try it.”
She tasted it and smiled,
“That’s really good.”
“There’s another bowl in the bag. You’re welcome to it,” I said.
“Maybe just a little,” she said, “I’m actually very hungry.”
We chatted as we devoured the food. She was from County Cork and was in her senior year of training. She planned on continuing her degree with a speciality in paediatrics. Her father was alive but she had lost her mother a few years previously and she had a sister and brother.
“What hours do you work?” I asked.
“I do twelve hour shifts, Tony,” she said, “I’m on the 8AM to 8PM shift this week.”
“Do you enjoy it?”
“Sometimes, I’m enjoying it today.”
“Good, I’m happy to hear that.”
“This soup is delicious.”
We finished our soup and she cleared the plates away.
“Right, Mr. Harris,” she said, “let’s get you out of that bed.”
“Are you my personal nurse, Críona?”
“You’ll be monitored constantly for a day or two. So, for today, at least, I’ll be here until my shift changes.”
“Happy days.”
“Stop that and get up.”
“I need a shower in the worst possible way.”
“I can tell,” she said with a smirk, “I’ll get one of the porters to bring you down after your walk.”
“I don’t do well with porters, Críona, isn’t there a danger I might relapse when faced with uncomfortable situations?”
“Stop that.”
I watched her from the bed as she moved around the room tidying things up and fussing about generally. I couldn’t make out what she wore under the white uniform, the material was an industrial type and totally not see through. She caught me looking.
“What are you staring at?”
“Me? Nothing.”
She walked over to the bed and pulled the covers off.
“Right, let’s have you on your feet.”
“I promise, Críona, that I’m much better lying down.”
“Stop that, Tony,” she said, “come on, you’ll get me in trouble.”
“Do you not use protection?”
“Yes, I …. Stop it, you little fucker.”
“Such language from a member of the caring profession.”
“Shut up.”
I got out of the bed and stood on my feet. It felt weird, but good. Críona came to my right side and put her arm around me, leading me out onto a long corridor that disappeared in a curve to the right about fifty metres in the distance. We began a slow walk and I took another shot.
“You know, Críona, love, in Dublin, when one shares his coddle with a female he admires, the gesture is reciprocated by a cuddle from object of his affections.”
“Is that right?”
“Yes, it’s an ancient, but wonderful, tradition that dates back to the siege of the city by the Normans, and it’s one of the reasons that the recipe for coddle had been passed down from mother to daughter for generations.”
“So they can get a cuddle?”
“Yes, cuddles are recuperative, I’ve heard.”
“More so than hugs?”
“I’ll have to think about that. If it’s a hug you need, Críona, I’ll happily oblige.”
“Maybe when you take a shower.”
“There’s a bathroom up ahead, we can use that.”
“For the shower?”
“I thought we were talking about hugs. I’m confused again.”
“You’re going to be the end of me, Tony, do you ever give up?”
“Eventually.”
By the time we’d done the complete loop of the ward, I was walking pretty much unaided. Deco was waiting at the door of my room when we approached.
“Out for a romantic stroll?” he said with a grin.
We smiled at him and walked past into the room, where I fell backwards onto the bed.
“Críona doesn’t believe the old, cuddle for a coddle, legend, Deco,” I said.
“Oh, Críona, that’s seven years bad luck.”
“Is that not for breaking a mirror?” she asked.
“Did you break a mirror too?” I asked.
“No, I did not! Honestly, you two are as bad as each other, and as for the Peter fellow. I give up!”
“What’s wrong with poor Peter,” I said, “he’s just lonely.”
“Lonely? He’s been out with a different nurse or orderly every night since he landed here.”
“I find that hard to believe, Críona,” I said, “Peter wouldn’t have anything to do with an orderly.”
Deco broke up laughing. Críona followed suit. She strode, with purpose, over to my bedside. Grabbed my hands, and pulled me back on to my feet.
“Right!” she said, “if it means I get some peace. Give me a hug.”
“It’s a cuddle, Críona, not a hug, but I’m feeling very generous towards you.”
“What’s the difference?”
I took her in my arms and kissed her softly on the lips, her eyes opened wide then as I held her gently in my arms. I whispered in her ear,
“This is a cuddle, the kiss was for me.”
“Ok,” she whispered back, her eyes smiling but her face trying to look like thunder, “thank you, I’ll be back in an hour. Don’t get into trouble.”
“I won’t, I’m using protection.”
She burst out laughing.
“I’ll talk to you later.”
“You bastard!” Deco said.
“What?”
“You were determined to kiss her today weren’t you?”
“I don’t know what you mean, Mr. Carroll,” I said, “now what can I do you for?”
“The doctor asked me to talk to him about the lead up to your ‘episode‘. Do you want to get our stories straight?”
“I don’t remember a thing, Deco.”
“Two girls from the class, Jess and Ella. They say that they met you in the canteen before you disappeared and you looked like you were drugged up or in a trance.”
“I don’t recall that. Last thing I remember was you taking Frieda out to, I assume, shag her.”
“Right.”
“Well?”
“Well what?”
“Did you fucking shag her or not?”
“No, not that time. I did that night, though. I was trying to get her knickers for you.”
“What? Oh, fuck, yes. What kind were they?”
“It was a surprise to me, but we were both wrong,” he said, and took a pair of pink and white panties from his pocket.
“What in God’s name is that contraption from the dark ages?” Peter’s voice boomed from the open doorway.
Deco looked at me.
“Tell him,” I said.
“Here, feel them,” Deco said.
“I certainly will not,” Peter said.
Deco tried to stuff them into Peter’s pocket but was disturbed by the other nurse, Peter had told us her name was Mildred, coming in to stand guard. I couldn’t help but laugh as she regarded him in the same way as one would regard a pervert outside a courthouse. He backed away from her and turned to me.
“There was another girl you engaged with in the smoking area, Isobel, dark hair, round glasses, her shit doesn’t stink. Nice tits, though.”
“Nothing there either,” I said, shaking my head.
“She said that you fucked off after she slagged your accent.”
“Isobel seems like the most reasonable person in this entire melodrama,” Peter said.
“Still nothing, Deco. It sounds like I owe a few people an apology.”
“Nah, fuck them, they’ll get over it.”
“If this Isobel person is as nice as she sounds, I think it’d be worth it.”
I looked past him at Mildred.
“Mildred, can I get a shower before the head doctor arrives please?
“Who’s Mildred?” she asked.
I looked at Peter, who was trying not to laugh. “Bastard,” I said.
“I apologise, I thought you were Mildred.”
“I’m nurse Kavanagh,” she said, “I’ll fetch an orderly.”
“Let’s form an orderly line there, people,” Peter said, as he walked away.
After a long restorative shower and a longer shave, I returned to my room, walking independently of the Polish orderly, Basil, who was built like a brick shithouse. I was looking in my locker for some cologne when my mother sneaked in behind me.
“What are you doing out of bed, Anthony? You should be resting.”
“I’ve been asleep for six weeks, Mam. I think I’m rested enough. By the way you didn’t put any cologne in my toiletries bag.”
“I have it here,” she said, and I applied a liberal dose to my face.
“I have to smell nice for the quack,” I said, just as she walked in.
I recovered quickly though.
“Thank God the psychotherapist is coming first.”
She coughed politely and I turned around.
“Hi, can I help you?”
“Good afternoon, Mr. Harris,” she said, shaking my hand, “nice attempt at a save there.”
“It’s Tony, I’m sorry,” I said, “I’ve been very unwell.”
“Well enough to go around kissing nurses though?”
My mother looked shocked, Sinéad just laughed.
“It was one nurse and it was a platonic kiss of gratitude.”
“And what was the lingering hug for?”
“She was feeling a bit down.”
She laughed and sat down.
“I’m Angela Freeman, Chief Therapist. I’m here to see how you’re doing.”
“Do you want us to leave, Doctor?” Mam said.
“It’s Professor, and no, I like to see how the patient interacts with those around him.”
“I’m here to help, Doct. sorry, Prof.” I said.
“I spoke with a few people on background for this, Mr. Harris.”
“Tony, my name is Tony.”
“Tony, pardon me. Why do you keep saying that?”
“Because it’s my name.”
“Ok, but you say it with a certain level of vehemence.”
“I wasn’t aware of that.”
“Ok, moving on. There appears to be an opinion that you were under the influence of an artificial substance on the morning of the incident.”
“By who?”
“Three girls that we spoke to.”
“They must have been on drugs, Professor. I smoke and I drink, but that’s it.”
“Ok, they say you appeared to be almost trancelike in demeanour.”
“Again, I don’t recall anything after leaving the canteen.”
“Who is Mags?”
“An, ehm, acquaintance.”
“She says she was staying with you at your apartment.”
“Her room at the Student Accommodation wasn’t ready. It was a fortnight’s arrangement.”
“Are you sure?”
“That’s what she told me.”
“There were no accommodations vacant on the day that the term began.”
“What? But she told me.”
“I checked,” she said, handing me a piece of paper for verification.
I looked over at my mother and could see the fire in her eyes. The Professor noticed the exchange.
“Is there a history between you two?”
“We were neighbours as children, that’s about it.”
“Nothing ever happened that you recall? No jealous boyfriends?”
“No, I didn’t have any boyfriends.”
“Funny.”
“Thanks.”
“How is your head? Any pain or irritation?”
“Not so far.”
“Ok, it could just be the bang on the head, but I suspect there may be something you’re overlooking,” she said, “can we schedule another consultation for four weeks time? Something may rattle loose in the meantime.”
“That works for me Prof,” I said, as we shook hands, “thanks for coming down.”
She shook my, and my mother’s, hands and left.
“What do you think?” I asked her.
“I don’t know, love. Let’s see what happens in four weeks, you may have a better memory of everything then.”
We sat there, deep in thought. I stood and looked out the window at the skyline of Galway city.
“I fucking hate this place,” I said.
Críona chose that moment to walk into the room accompanied by a male porter pushing a wheelchair.
“Mam, your ride is here,” I said, and ducked.
Críona waved a sheet of paper at me.
“Come on, Tony, we’ve an MRI Scan scheduled for you,” she said, “Denis will take you down to the MRI Department and drop you back.”
“Are you not coming too?”
“No need,” she said, “Denis will look after you. I’ll see you when you come back. Behave down there.”
Upon my return from the scan my room was empty, Críona walked by and saw me, she stuck her head in.
“How did it go?”
“It went,” I said, “they stuck two huge fucking needles in my arm, look at the bruises.”
“That’s a relaxant,” she said, “it also illuminates the injury. Are you hungry?”
“Starving.”
“I’ll be back in a few minutes. I’ll get someone to bring your tea.”
She returned several minutes later carrying a tray. She paced it on a table top that wheeled over the top of the bed. I lifted an aluminium cover and peered underneath it.
“What the fuck is this?” I asked.
“I haven’t a clue,” she said, taking a look, “it’s either scrambled eggs or someone puked on the plate.”
I laughed.
“I won’t risk it, I’ll get someone to get me something later.”
She sat down beside me and poured tea into a cup.
“There’s two cups, Críona.”
“I’m good, Tony,” she said, “you clean up nicely. What’s that aftershave you have on?”
“It’s Endymion by Penhaligon’s and it’s cologne, not aftershave.”
“It’s nice.”
“Classical elegance befitting of Zeus’ most handsome son, Críona,” I said, “a sparkle of bergamot dances off suede, coffee and geranium. It’s an eau de cologne for the ages.”
“Are you Zeus’ most handsome son?”
“I’m the only boy in the family, so I suppose I must be.”
“Would that explain the list of women your friend rattled off earlier?” she asked.
“Peter? He does that for fun.”
“You seem to get through a lot of women though, Tony.”
“Finding the right woman is not an easy thing to do, Críona,” I said.
“Miss Right?”
“Yes.”
“You’re searching for Miss Right, is that what you’re telling me?”
“It’s a constant search, Críona,” I said, taking her hand, “someday I’ll find her, maybe today is that day. Who knows unless we follow our hearts?”
She looked at me with a peaceful smile and squeezed my hand.
“I have to go but I’ll be back in a short while, I can hear your fan club arriving in any case,” she smiled and blew me a kiss.
I rested my head on the pillow, I was almost there. Deco walked in with three girls, all of them foxes to be fair.
“What’s this, Deco? Collecting women again?”
“Tony Harris, Ella, Jess and Isobel,” he said.
“Hi girls, it’s really nice to see you brightening this dump up.”
“Ella and Jess are in our class, Tony,” he said, “Isobel is in the Technical Drawing class.”
“A draughts person?” I said to Isobel.
“Yes, nice to meet you properly, Tony,” she said, “you weren’t in a good place last time we met.”
“So I hear, Isobel, but I have no recollection of meeting you and, believe me, I never forget such beautiful women.”
“Deco told us.”
“Come sit beside me, I was a junior draughtsman for two years before I turned techie.”
“Why did you change over?” she said, placing her cute behind on the chair recently vacated by Críona’s elegant bum.
“Oh, the job I have now pays a lot more and I have more responsibility. It’s a lot more hands on.”
“Would you recommend it for me?”
“I don’t know you yet, but we could change that real quick.”
“I bet we could,” she said.
“Jess and Ella are Techies too,” Deco said.
I shook both their hands.
“What do you think, girls, would you recommend it to Isobel?”
“I love it,” Ella said, “Jess doesn’t care for it, do you Jess?”
“It’s alright, but I’d rather something more exciting.”
“Was I rude to you at all, girls?”
“No, just weird,” Isobel said.
“How so? We’re trying to figure out what happened.”
“You were an obvious Zombie that day, Tony. I actually felt sorry for you,” she said.
“You weren’t nasty to us, Tony, just distant and evasive,” Ella said, as Jess nodded.
“Well, I’d like to apologise in any case,” I said, “and thank you all, sincerely, for dropping by.”
They turned to leave but Isobel took a couple of steps back into the room. She was searching for words. She lifted her left arm to scratch her head or straighten her hair, I could see her small black lace bra through the flimsy mesh shirt that hid nothing.
“Can I ask something, Tony?”
“Yes,” I said and patted the chair she had just been sitting in.
“When we were talking that day,” she began, adjusting herself into the seat, “you said something that I keep thinking about.”
“What was that, Isobel?”
“The obliquity of life is a handy tool to master.”
A feeling of déjà-vu descended, clinging to me like a blanket of viscous protoplasm, dulling my senses and taking me away to a previous past. I looked at her, “You said,” I began, as we both spoke simultaneously,
“That’s profound.”
“Yes! You remember,” she said in an excited whisper.
“The phrase kept invading my subconscious while I was out, Isobel. I didn’t know what it meant in the context of the situation.”
“But you remembered it,” she said, “I made a mark on you, somewhere in your head.”
She took my hand in hers.
“Now that’s profound,” I said, and we both laughed.
“Or oblique.”
“Did I say that too?”
“No, I think I did,” she said, “it’s something I’d say, being a bitch with a smart mouth.”
“You were smoking,” I said, “and you wore glasses.”
“Yes, you remember that?”
“Where are you from?” I said to myself.
“Pardon?”
“Nothing important.”
“Do you have cigarettes with you?” I said, “I think I might die if I don’t get a drag of a smoke soon.”
“I don’t think they’d be too happy if we lit one up, Tony.”
“There’s a patient smoking room down the corridor.”
“I know, but it’s not open during visiting hours. I could come back later if you’d like.”
“I’d like that very much, Isobel.”
“Will I leave you a few in case I don’t make it?”
“No, then you’ll have an excuse not to come.”
“Oh, that’s so sweet,” she said, as she leaned in to kiss me.
Her lips touched mine, sending little signals directly to my penis. I placed my hand on the side of her face, encouraging her lips to linger a little as the tip of my tongue tasted her. She lifted her head away and closed her eyes for a quick second before placing her thumb on my lips to wipe away a slight residue of her lipstick from them.
“Penhaligon’s,” she said lightly, “I like it.”
She turned to leave and I watched her perfect bum undulating as she walked away.
“I know you’re watching,” she shouted back as she disappeared around the bend in the corridor.
My semi had turned into a painful erection, so I covered myself and slowly fell asleep, thinking about how I could find a way to make love to this beautiful girl. When I awoke, Críona was sitting beside my bed, reading a magazine that somebody thought I’d read. I laid still, watching her as she consumed the text, admiring her as she turned the pages slowly and deliberately.
“Having fun?” I asked her.
“Did you know that Patrick Moore wasn’t an actual astrologist?”
“Yes.”
“You did? How?”
“He’s an astronomer.”
“What’s the difference?”
“It’s black and white, Críona, like comparing a hug to a cuddle.”
“Can you twist people’s words around, at any time and in any way, to suit your purposes?” she laughed.
“That’s a bit harsh,” I said, “why don’t you slip in here beside me and I’ll show you.”
“Because I’m working.”
“You finish at 8:00.”
“Stop it, Tony.”
Peter arrived in and Críona departed to give us some space, as it was obvious that he had something on his mind. He handed me a bag with some sandwiches inside.
“From your mother,” he said, “they’re quite nice.”
“How do you know?”
“I tried one on the way here. I’m driving your car, by the way, in case you’re wondering.”
“It hadn’t even crossed my mind, to be honest, Peter.”
“What do you plan on doing about this whole hospitalisation situation, Tony?”
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve been out of work for a long time and I doubt you’ll be fit to work in the foreseeable future.”
“A couple of weeks and I should be good to go, I think.”
“No, you’ll be out for longer than that. You had a brain injury, you can’t take that lightly.”
“But Críona said.”
“Don’t go there. You cannot be led around by your cock at this moment in time.”
“Ok, what are you thinking, Peter?”
“Well, there’s a certain amount of this that is owned by the college itself.”
“How?”
“I did a bit of digging. That path you fell on should have been re-laid five years ago,” he said, “it’s been placed on the long finger, over and over and you’re not the only one to have suffered on it.”
“Really?”
“Yes, the last time, the girl was paralyzed from the waist down.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes, I met the solicitor who is handling the cases for three victims, he thinks you have a case.”
“Where did you meet him?”
“At his office.”
“For fuck’s sake, Peter, why did you do that?”
“Why do you fucking think? Now that you’re awake, Cadden wants me back in Dublin.”
“What’s that got to do with me?”
“I’m bringing you back with me, we’ll get you set up with proper medical supervision away from this provincial hell hole.”
“I don’t know, they seem to be doing a good job.”
“And I thought the same until your mother told me about your session with the quack.”
“What was wrong with that?”
“See what I mean? The Tony Caldwell I know wouldn’t be blindsided by that bitch.”
“But she,”
“Stop. Did she or did she not end the consult by offering to wait four weeks until something had rattled itself loose in your head?”
“Not exactly in those words, but yes.”
“And that something was to do with a former unsavoury childhood incident with a girl who had hairy legs?”
I laughed.
“Oversimplified, but ok.”
“So they’re going to go for absolution based on that and not the lack of maintenance to their facility,”
“And?”
“And you’ll be written up as a nut job with childhood sexual issues.”
“Fuck off! Those bastards!”
“Welcome to the conversation. This is not about money, Tony, it’s about your future.”
I thought fast and felt he had a relevant point.
“Is it not a little tenuous though?”
“It doesn’t have to be watertight,” he said, “it just has to be reasonably argued, like everything else. They won’t want to spend a ransom on legal fees and will offer a settlement if we argue it properly.
“So what do we do?”
“The first thing is to get you out of here as quickly as possible. Cadden will be delighted to have you back because the prick has over extended us again.”
“What about the college work?”
“We’ll handle that separately.”
“Have you any smokes on you?”
“Yes, I’ll get a wheelchair and bring you down to the front door. Do you have a coat? It’s fucking freezing out.”
“I don’t know, have a look in that closet behind the door.”
He opened the door and found a light jacket.
“This’ll do, you know, there was a time when a few women would fall out of a closet in your room if it was opened.”
I saw Críona coming back out of the corner of my eye.
“I wish you’d stop making me look like a male Xaviera Hollander, Peter.”
“The truth is the truth, my son. Now let’s get your nicotine deficiency under control.”
“Where are you going, lads?” Críona said as she entered the room.
“I’m bringing him down for a smoke, nurse.” Peter said.
“He can’t leave the floor, Peter, you know that very well.”
“He’ll be in that wheelchair and I’ll be looking after him,” he argued.
“He still needs to be on this floor.”
“Why?”
“Doctor’s orders.”
“Why can’t he use the smoking room then?”
“It’s closed until after visiting, as you well know.”
“Yes, but do you not think that a little excessive?”
“It doesn’t matter what I think, Peter.”
“Ok, so you’re saying that, in effect, he’s a prisoner here, with no entitlement to the rights extended to even the worst criminal in Mountjoy Prison. Not even the rights to freedom of movement that is granted to the worst practitioners of abuse, terrorism, human trafficking and genocide, by the Government of this country. A country that was humiliated by the British for centuries and that had to be freed by the sacrifices of a group of poets, architects, techies and freedom fighters at the cost of their last breath.”
“Oh, for God’s sake, take him down and don’t let anything happen to him.”
I put my jacket on and sat in the chair.
“Humiliated by the British for centuries? Was that not a bit much?”
“Ah fuck it, it worked, didn’t it? But it was reasonably argued.”
We laughed our heads off as we descended in the lift and made our way to the smoking shed outside the front doors. I lit a smoke, inhaled it deeply and promptly fell out of the chair. Peter picked me up and brushed me off.
“You couldn’t even sit in a fucking chair properly, for once in your life. Don’t tell Nurse Ratched about this.”
I was in paroxysms of laughter as he fussed about complaining. We decided to stay outside chatting to fellow smokers and taking the fresh air, polluted by cigarette smoke as it was. We watched as Deco Carroll walked by with a girl on his arm, I went to call him over, but Peter stopped me. Críona walked by on her way home at 8:15 and ignored our greetings and we decided to have one more smoke when Isobel skipped into the smoke shed and smiled brightly at us.
“What’s this?” she asked.
“Peter brought me down for a smoke, Isobel,” I said, “have you met?”
They hadn’t and they shook hands. He pulled his jacket closed and patted my shoulder.
“I think I’ll get back to the apartment, your mother has a heavy date with an Artificial Inseminator from Oranmore and I have to babysit your sister,” he aid, “I hope they’re a bit more discreet this time.”
“Fuck off, you prick,” I said and we all laughed, “you go ahead, I’ll push this wheelchair back to the floor myself.”
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” he said, and left us alone.
“He’s mental,” Isobel said.
“Yes but he’s one of the best.”
“Are you ready to go back upstairs?”
“Yes, let me push the chair with you in it, I need the exercise.”
“But visiting is over, Tony.”
“You promised me a smoke, young lady and I’m holding you to it.”
“Ooh, be still my beating heart.”
“I hope that wasn’t too oblique for you,” I said, pulling her down to my lips and kissing her slowly.
“I think I need that chair more than you,” she said, as she sat in to the seat.
We made it to the smoking room and, I was so out of breath that I had to sit down. Isobel came and sat quietly beside me as I caught my breath.
“You look nice, Isobel.”
“I wasn’t sure what was appropriate to wear.”
“Why?”
“Well I knew it was hospital visit but it almost felt like a date.”
There are a couple of other people in the room so our heads were close together as we almost whispered to each other.
“So you chose the hospital visitor attire?”
“No, I didn’t, as you well know.”
“Can I have a kiss?”
“Yes, you can but I’m not staying long.”
“Why not?”
“You know why not.”
“I’m sure I don’t.”
“I think you do,” she said as her lips touched mine.
I took her hand and held it to my chest as we kissed deeply. It was like a drug that I’d been deprived of and I lost myself in her lips as my tongue searched for hers, feeling it soft and warm as she sighed at the touch.
“Jesus,” she breathed, as we broke apart, “do you see what I mean now?”
“I can’t help it, Isobel, you’re just so beautiful.”
“Thanks, but if I don’t leave now I’m afraid of what may happen.”
“I understand. I’ll have one more smoke and head back to bed,” I said, “will you be around tomorrow?”
“Yes, is there anything you need?”
“Just you.”
“Same time?”
“Yes.”
She kissed me again and departed. I got out of my chair, walked slowly to my room and slid into bed. I laid on my back, my headphones on and my eyes closed. I thought of that kiss with Isobel and felt a familiar stirring under the covers. I smiled at the memory.
I felt a presence on my room and opened my eyes to see Críona ease the door shut and slip the lock before closing the privacy screen on the door. Her eyes shone in the darkness as she slipped out of her uniform and joined me under the covers. I removed the headphones and we kissed sweetly.
“I love your lips, Críona.”
“Shh, we don’t have long.”
“For what?”
“Your erection has been talking to me for most of the day.”
“What did he say? I’ll sort that little fucker out.”
“He’s not so little,” she said, as her lips met mine and we kissed a long lingering kiss.
I felt her hand around my penis as I opened her bra to touch her breasts.
“Let me look after you this time, Tony, I’ve been aroused all day.”
I laid back on the pillow as her head dipped below the covers. She touched her lips to the tip of my penis before slipping it into her mouth, her lips softening around it as she teased me beyond my ability to withstand her. I stopped her so I could catch my breath.
“Tony?” she whispered from under the covers.
“I need a few seconds, love. It’s been a long time for me and there must quite an amount of semen.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m a nurse.”
She cupped my scrotum, sending waves of desire through me. I wanted to be inside her but this would have to do for now. She took me into her mouth again and held my shaft tightly as she worked her tongue around the head of my penis. I felt the familiar tingling sensation of the approach of an orgasm and she did too as she worked quicker to bring me over the edge and I heard myself groaning loudly as my climax filled her mouth as she struggled to contain the volume of my ejaculation.
Her mouth stilled as my emission slowed and then stopped, I lay there in shambles, spent but satiated. She slowly overcame the volume and managed to collect it all, then she slowly licked all around the head of my penis, causing palpitations to spark through me.
“”Jesus,” I said, as she lifted her head to my chest, “that was extreme.”
“Extremely quick,” she said with a smile.
“But I’m not a well man, Críona.”
“I’ll make it all better, Tony,” she said as her lips met mine and we kissed deeply.
She stayed for a few more minutes before dressing and slipping quietly from my room as I drifted off into a happy sleep and dreamed of nothing at all.
TBC
