It’s every man’s fantasy, right? To have a woman who will submit in the bedroom. What’s more appealing to his primal nature than a loyal, obedient woman whose only aim is to please? Centuries ago, this dynamic worked. For a long time, a woman’s first instinct was survival so it was in her best interests to please, obey, and submit to her man. But how have these needs and interests changed in the 21st century? Do modern men understand what it means for a woman to submit and more importantly, why they would want to?
When I try to get an understanding of what modern men and women define as dominance and submission in the bedroom and what it means to anyone who is more “vanilla”, I am met with a majority who think dominance and submission is: “A woman who will do whatever her man wants in the bedroom” or “a man who is sexually (and sometimes aggressively) dominant”. Pop culture may have played a part in these conclusions. Think 50 Shades of Grey; a little red room where a rich businessman takes his little sluts to be obedient sex slaves that fall at his knees and cater to his every sexual whim or maybe they’ve simply watched too much porn and envision a perfect-bodied female, with slicked back hair and dressed head-to-toe in latex or a kinky dress up bunny outfit and are just begging to be humped?
But what if I told you they have it all wrong?
It often takes years before we are fully confident in asking for what we want in the bedroom. It takes time to get to know our bodies, our likes and dislikes, and what we want and don’t want to explore. Eventually, most people’s sexual needs and indeed preferences, are often influenced by our lifestyle. Some couples are in open relationships, perhaps because of logistics, maybe because they don’t have time to fully commit to each other. Others join communities such as swingers clubs and have fun with other couples, some are into the full BDSM scene, while others like me, are a little…different.
The rich businessman we talked about at the beginning? Well, I am a rich businessman. Only, I’m a woman. In my day-to-day life, I am the boss. I make all of the decisions, I am in charge of all of the processes, the outcomes, the ups, the downfalls – everything is on me. On any given day I would say I make close to 300 decisions, choices, and organisations in people’s lives. My brain is in constant go-mode from the minute I wake up at 4am, to the minute I go to sleep at 11pm. I never switch off. That is until I do.
When it comes to sex, I don’t like to be in control. At all. When I slip under those silk sheets, I relinquish all control. My mind is switched off and at that moment, I don’t want to think about anything else but pleasure. I don’t want to make decisions about what position to be in, I don’t want to think about having to move his hand between my thigh, in just the right place, I definitely don’t want to have to think about my wand or god forbid, make an effort to reach for it. I want to relax, switch off, and enjoy myself.
So I submit my body to him. My wrists are bound, my legs spread, and his hands are free to go wherever they please without resistance. He can use my holes for his satisfaction, and every part of me welcomes it. That’s it, don’t let me think, or make a decision, just…use me.
For 45-ish blissful minutes (that’s on a good day, I need to sleep, you know), I am at the mercy of my man. He can do what he wants to me; fuck me hard or slow, use the toys and tease me to the edge, massage my back, and slip his dick into my ass (oops!). He can fuck my mouth, turn me over, spank my ass, pull my hair, talk to me like the dirty little slut I am, and I will love every minute of it.
Submission for me, is handing the reins over to someone else and allowing sex to be the one thing in my life that I do not control. In every other area, I am in charge, and the decisions are on me, the mental load of that can sometimes be overwhelming. If I had to do that in the bedroom too? Well, then sex would become another chore. Just something else I have to get through and tick off my to-do list. The thing is, I enjoy sex. So if that were to happen, I would lose that enjoyment and doubt I would have any interest in it at all.
There is, however, a huge caveat to all of this, and one thing that needs to be made perfectly clear is this kind of dynamic only works if the “dominant” cares about your pleasure, more than his. Because at the end of the day, that’s what it is; he gets off on getting you off. There has to be a deep understanding and solid mutual respect. You can’t have this relationship with just anybody. A random guy you meet on a Friday night is not going to give you the same experience as a man who has spent years getting to know your body. I have been with mine for 13 years, and we are perfectly in sync. This isn’t necessarily the kind of sex that requires a safe word, but it does need a perfectly good understanding of likes, dislikes, and most importantly limits. These things take time to stamp out and create, boundaries can change and move with time and experience so it’s important, more than anything else, that you only engage in this type of sexual activity with someone you trust explicitly.
For him, it’s not about dominant aggression, it’s about pleasure. And being in control of giving that pleasure. It’s about taking care of his woman (the submissive), it’s about her pleasure as much as it is his.
A lot of individuals find that adopting a submissive role allows them to relinquish control in an area of their life they are happy to be led in, this can lead to a sense of freedom and release from daily responsibilities. It can also be a way to explore different sides of their personality in a safe and consensual way.
It’s important to understand that engaging in submissive behavior involves an intense amount of trust. It requires a safe space, with clearly defined boundaries where both parties communicate openly about desires, wants, needs, and potentially deepening their emotional connection. Not all women, or people in general, have the desire to be submissive in the bedroom. These preferences are deeply personal and can have influence from a number of factors including past experiences, personal values, your current lifestyle and what stage of your life you are currently in.
It’s also important not to assume that one’s gender dictates their sexual preferences. In my case, it is more of a traditional Dom (Male) Sub (Female) relationship but it can often be the other way around and it’s certainly not unheard of in same-sex relationships.
Granted, this type of dominance and submissiveness is a little on the tamer side, and what we discussed in the beginning (that 50 Shades of grey Style) definitely is a preference for some people. But I hope I’ve done a good job of highlighting that there are other ways to explore a Dom/Sub relationship, it doesn’t all have to be whips and chains (although, I’m definitely not saying no to that) sometimes, we just want to give up control and be led by a capable Dom…
Happy Reading…
EroticAuthor
