Hospital walls permeated with the smell of disinfectant and death.
Three years of beep-swish, beep-swish as the life support machine swells your lungs with air.
‘Miss Belrose?’ Male voice, blue scrubs, form in hand. ‘I know you’ve read this before, but I still need you to read it again and sign your consent.’
Form now in my hands and reads as follows–
‘I ………. understand that use of the Coma Communications Link is solely at the risk of the user. I confirm that I have had the risks of using mind link technology explained as per article 5.6. I also understand that during the live connection, all users can see, hear and feel every thought of all connected parties and St. Luke’s accepts no liability should this result in any privacy breaches from unwanted thoughts being transferred.’
Small print ‘blah blah blah’. Form duly signed.
Probes attached, connection going live in five, four, three, two, one…and go.
USER 1 – Visitor
Hi, it’s me.
USER 2 – Patient
Where have you been? I’ve been waiting for you, for so long.
I know but I’m here now.
Why didn’t you come? I needed you, I’ve had so much I wanted to say.
You can tell me now. I’m here and I’m listening.
I want you to know that I love you. I’ve always loved you and I always will.
I know.
You hesitated then. Why? You’re hiding something from me. I can tell. Don’t you love me any more?
Yes, I do love you.
You did it again.
What?
You paused. You sound different, something has changed. You’re not…
I’m not what?
You’re not you. I was thinking about how things were before. Do you remember, when we went to the beach? The sandy one that we walked miles to find. Can you see it now?
Yes, I see it.
How we just laid there, you with your head on my bare chest and your warm body, naked, wrapped around mine. We were forever back then. Listen, I can hear the waves breaking and over there, the gull that kept sneaking up on us whenever we turned our gaze.
It was a good day.
That’s the one I think of most. Well, apart from the last one of course. The way you drifted onto me, the tender way you kissed me.
Please, don’t.
Why?
It hurts too much.
You think it doesn’t hurt me too. Remembering the taste of your lips and the feel of your tongue. I live every second of it over and over. It’s all I have left. You don’t know what it’s like for me, lying here alone day after day with nothing but memories. I need you to re-live it with me. I know you remember it too, the last time your lips traced down my chest tantalising me with every kiss. I feel it now, just as I did then.
Yes, I feel it too but please, don’t. I can’t do this any more.
Just one last time together. You have your life, I have nothing. Let me have this one thing with you at least. The way you nestled between my thighs, your wet sandy hair clinging to your face. It was the last time you took me in your mouth. Oh god, how sweet your mouth was, your lips wrapped around me, your tongue licking every inch. I would kill to feel that again, to have you sucking me. The way your eyes locked with mine as you brought me to climax.
I know, it was a heavenly day.
We had so many heavenly days. I want to share them with you, I want you to see them as I do. But you never come, not any more. Why?
Things are different now.
Things have been different for a while but you didn’t mind before. You used to come all the time. You’re not telling me something. I can see someone, who is that you are thinking of?
There’s nobody there. It’s just your mind playing tricks.
You can’t hide it from me. There’s someone else isn’t there. See, there you go, you’re thinking of him again. On our bed.
I don’t want to hurt you.
Lie next to me like we used to. Like that day with your head on my chest.
I can’t.
I want to feel you next to me.
You wouldn’t feel anything, not really
But I would know that you are there. I would hear my heartbeat through you.
Don’t ask me to. I can’t.
Because of him?
Yes, because of him.
I don’t understand.
I think you do. I can’t wait, not any longer, I’ve been too lonely.
Then come and see me. We can talk like we’re doing now.
It’s not the same.
It’s what I need. Remember, we were forever.
Forever never existed. Not for us.
But I love you.
And I love you too but I have to say goodbye. You must have known, this…us, we couldn’t carry on.
But if don’t have you, then I have nothing. I AM nothing.
That’s not true. They say you may get better one day. You have hope.
I don’t want to get better if I don’t have you.
Don’t say that.
I will say that. I’ll tell them to let me go. If I can’t have you then they should let me die.
They won’t do that.
Who will I talk to? Who will I share my memories with?
They have people. They will talk to you.
It’s not the same, they don’t understand. They can’t feel the moments we shared. They’re just onlookers and commentators. I need you.
I’m with someone else now and I need him. I need to feel his warmth at night, arms that can hold me, breath that can whisper.
I can give you that.
You can give me memories of that, it’s not the same.
Why did you come?
I came to say goodbye.
You should have stayed away. You could have let the nurses tell me. I didn’t need you to show me. I could feel it you know, when you said, about having his arms around you. That wasn’t fair.
I’m sorry.
No, it wasn’t fair at all. I can do it too, I can hurt you. I could think of that night.
Please don’t!
See, I can picture every detail. I can remember the musk of the perfume you wore. Can you smell it?
Stop.
The way your nipples showed through the sheer fabric of your dress. How I held you close from behind, nuzzling into your neck like this.
I said stop.
Does it hurt to remember? Good, I want it to. The sight of your lips as they touched the rim of the wine glass. How you looked so beautiful. The music, oh! I will never forget how you swayed gently to it. I hear it now, so clearly. Can you?
I don’t want to hear it. I’ll leave if you carry on.
You’re leaving anyway.
Don’t.
What, don’t think about how your skirt rode up as you slid into the car? I wanted you, do you know that? Right there and then. I wanted you so badly.
I know.
I remember thinking how perfect your nails looked, pillar-box red. How elegant your hands were, so dainty, wrapped around the steering wheel.
I bought that colour especially for that night.
Show me.
Show you what?
Show me what else you remember.
I can’t.
Yes, you can.
It wasn’t my fault.
Then whose fault was it?
I didn’t see it.
You’re lying to me. I know exactly what you saw, it’s in your mind right now. Look– in front of us, the headlights blazing.
You distracted me.
You drank too much wine.
We both drank too much wine.
But I wasn’t driving.
You put your hand on my thigh.
That’s because I wanted you.
I looked up too late.
I know.
I didn’t mean to.
Can you feel it? The pain as I was crushed by the metal.
Yes.
No, no you can’t. You just feel the ghost of it. A mere echo.
I’m sorry.
I know you are.
But I can’t live like this, not out of guilt.
You shouldn’t get a choice, I don’t.
One day, you will. They will fix you.
I told you, if I can’t have you, there’s no point. I want our forever.
Don’t say that.
But it’s true. I need you and you owe me.
I have to go now.
No!
The doctors, they’ve said it’s time. You’re showing signs of distress. I have to disconnect from you.
Please, don’t leave me!
I can’t stay. Don’t ask.
I’m begging you.
I have to go.
But I love you.
I know but it’s not enough.
Please stay with me.
No. I’m sorry I can’t.
You’re drifting away, I can feel it. Please don’t disconnect from me.
I’m sorry.
I’m sorry too.
Goodbye, my love. I’ll always remember you.
USER 1 – DISCONNECTED.
