“Wake up, wake up, honey.”
I was groggy from lack of sleep and the effects of my hangover. As I slowly got my bearings, I realized I was in a bedroom I didn’t recognize. It all started coming back to me. The drinking, the anger, the way I threw myself at Tyrell and Lewis and taunted Neil about it. I closed my eyes, barely able to think about last night’s events. How had it come to that? The whole weekend had been planned as a romantic reunion with Neil. But from the first to the last it had been an unmitigated disaster.
And here I was lying in bed in an apartment I didn’t recognize, sandwiched between two young black men who I hardly knew.
“Claire, wake up.”
I must still be dreaming. It sounded like Jason’s voice. I turned to look where the voice was coming from, and I saw Jason’s handsome tattooed face. Surely this was a dream, my sub-conscious trying to provide some succor in my time of need.
But a hand was physically shaking me. “Claire, it’s me, Jason. Wake up, honey.”
As the last remnants of my sleepiness disappeared I realized it was for real. Jason was squatting down by the side of the bed, reaching over Tyrell’s sleeping body and gently shaking me awake.
“I had to come back to sort some business out, and Lewis rang me last night to tell me you were here and that he thought you might need a shoulder to lean on.”
It felt so good to see him. To know I had at least one person who was here for me. I wriggled out from between the two sleeping black bodies and gave Jason a huge hug. I think I must have clung on to him for a couple of minutes, I was just so pleased to have someone in my corner.
Tyrell’s apartment wasn’t the cleanest and most luxurious of places, and so we just threw my clothes on and headed over to Jason’s place, a few minutes away. Jason insisted I grab a hot shower, promising to cook me some breakfast. The shower felt good, and in truth, I wanted to cleanse myself of everything that had happened last night. I felt more than a little dirty about what had happened. It was the first time I’d ever had angry sex, to punish someone, and looking back I reckon I’d done it to punish both Neil and myself.
I know they’d enjoyed their time with me, but I did feel guilty at the way I’d used Tyrell and Lewis to get back at Neil. The refreshing and cleansing jets form the scalding shower started making me feel better. And when I wandered into the kitchen as I dried my hair, seeing Jason’s broad back preparing my breakfast also went a long way to helping me feel better about life.
I wrapped my arms around his waist and snuggled up against his body. He just turned and smiled, giving me the softest of kisses. He read my mood perfectly. He insisted that I eat, and wouldn’t let me talk about last night until I’d eaten and had some coffee to help fix my hangover and lack of sleep. Then he sat in his favorite armchair, pulled me down to sit on his lap and wrapped me up in his strong arms, as he asked me to tell me all about what had happened.
I didn’t spare any details as I gave him a full description of what had happened and how it had left me feeling. I started my sorry tale by describing stumbling in on Neil and Hannah making love, and how I’d felt when they were discussing their love for each other and how I’d take it. I described the whole Sickle Cell and Neil fathering a child with Hannah discussion, and finally confessed how in my anger with Neil I’d thrown myself at Tyrell and Lewis, fucking Tyrell in the restroom and then spending the night with the two of them together.
Jason listened patiently, only saying a few things, but I could see that he understood how I was hurting. At the end of it all, he looked into my eyes and asked a simple question.
“So, Claire darling, what do you want to do now?”
I sighed and looked into the face of this handsome man who had been here for me this morning when no-one else was.
“I honestly don’t know,” I said in a resigned and tired tone. “Last night, I was fifty-fifty whether I should just fly straight back to Jamaica or go and have it out with them.”
Jason held my hand and stroked my hair. “Claire, whatever you decide to do, I’m here for you and will support you totally.”
“Thanks, babe, that mean’s a lot to me,” I smiled at my man. “But it doesn’t help me make up my mind about what to do now. What do you think I should do?”
“What do I think?” Jason said thoughtfully, as he gathered his thoughts together. “I think, right now, you could do with a little space and distance between you and Neil. I know you two guys love each other, but right now if you go over there, I think you’re so steamed up at him that something’s going to be said that you both regret.”
I looked into his intelligent face and thought about what he’d said. He was probably right. Right now Neil or I would end up saying something we’d regret. I knew I was still angry with him, and he must be upset with me for the way I left and how I spoke to him.
“I guess you’re right, a little time and space wouldn’t be the worst thing right now.”
Jason smiled at me and kissed me softly. “We can tell Neil that something came up with the school repair and you had to dash back. That way it saves face for everyone until it’s all calmed down a little.”
It felt good to have taken the decision. I’ve never been good at dealing with conflict, and I’d really not been looking forward to confronting Neil and Hannah. With the decision now made, for the first time that morning I was able to relax. Jason teased me, saying it was the first time he’d seen me smile since he’d arrived.
His observation, which was true, just made me smile all the more, and I kissed him softly and asked him to take me to bed. After the angry sex from last night, I wanted a man to make love to me tenderly and with genuine affection and love. I told Jason this, and he immediately understood where this need was coming from.
Jason checked and booked the flights, and as the next flight wasn’t until nine p.m. we had plenty of time. For the next two or three hours, Jason gave me what my heart and soul needed, as a man who loved me made sweet and passionate love to me. I needed this to blot out the pain of the last twenty-four hours, and I couldn’t have asked for a more tender and emotional lover than Jason.
Two or three times my phone rang while we were making love, but we ignored it and just carried on. During one of our quieter moments, Jason picked up the phone and saw that it had been Neil ringing. He composed a message and handed me the phone. “Sorry, problem at the school. Have had to go back. Will call you Monday, C xx”
I looked at the message, and now that I was feeling less angry and a lot better about things, I felt guilty about lying to Neil and deceiving him. I hesitated.
“Claire, you guys really need your space right now. Remember how you felt last night, and how Neil’s likely to be feeling after how you treated him. Best leave it ‘til Monday to talk to him.”
I paused, but looking at his face I was sure he was right, and I pressed send before Jason took the phone from me and placed it on his nightstand.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Easter Monday already. Where had the weekend gone? I stretched my limbs and looked out on the clear blue Jamaican sky. I could get used to this. It was good to feel the sun on my face and it’s soothing heat. So much had happened that it felt like I’d been away a lot longer than the two days it actually was.
Jason’s formidable mother Alvita pulled a chair out and indicated for me to sit by her, and she gave me a motherly kiss on the cheek, pinching my cheek and telling me that I was too skinny and needed a bit of meat putting on my bones.
The day itself was pretty uneventful, but as the day went on I began to feel a little nervous about the call Neil would be expecting at our normal seven o’clock slot.
At the appointed hour I was pleased to see that Neil was on time and that he made the move to call me.
“Hey, you!” I nervously greeted him, happy to see that he looked as nervous as I felt.
“Hi, baby,” my husband of twenty plus years replied, looking as nervous as he did on our first date all those years ago. “Sorry, you had to dash back.”
“Me too, it would have been good to have more time together before I had to fly back.”
“Yeah, I really missed being able to talk to you properly, spend time together.”
For the next few minutes, we just made small talk. About the school, the girls, Neil’s job – that sort of thing. I don’t know why, but I brought up the subject of ‘little miss plastic tits’.
“How’s Hannah?” That woman was really doing my head in. One minute my best friend, sharing with me about her family problems. And the next minute seemingly setting me up with two guys to keep me away from my own husband.
“She’s fine, busy showing properties today.”
“Are you seeing her later?”
And there it was, the guilty look at that gave me the answer even before a word was spoken.
“I’m not sure, really.”
Oh, come on, Neil. At least be honest with me.
Seeing and hearing Neil’s evasive answer, I suddenly felt little desire to keep the conversation going. We talked a little more, but then I made up some excuse, gave Neil a half-hearted I love you and agreed we’d talk the same time tomorrow.
When I emerged from the bedroom, Jason could immediately sense that there was something I wanted to talk about. Seconds later I was sharing my frustration that Neil couldn’t even be straight with me about seeing Hannah later that evening. Jason just pulled a face and shrugged his shoulders. I guess he didn’t want to be disloyal to his friend.
Unable to join in my criticism of his friend, Neil, he did the next best thing and took me in his arms to comfort me and cheer me up.
The hug lasted a long time and felt good. Afterwards, Jason suggested we go for a walk, and I smiled and agreed, glad of the chance to clear my head. He took us back to the same beach that we’d had our romantic meal on exactly a week ago. This time there was no romantic music or chilled white wine as we sat together and enjoyed the beauty of the beach and the gentle lapping of the waves.
I sat between his legs, my back pressed to his chest as he held me with his powerful arms. We looked out to sea and for a while, neither of us spoke. And then he took my left hand and intertwined our fingers together, black and white locked together, so very different but complementing each other. And then he reached across with his right hand and casually started playing with my wedding band and engagement and eternity rings.
“You know, Claire, things change in life. People change, and things move on.”
I looked out to sea, staring straight ahead, as a chill went through my body at where I thought this conversation was headed.
“You know I love you, Claire, and I always will. If my friend Neil’s stupid enough to have moved on and prefers Hannah, then I’m sad about that. Sad because I know you still love him and because I can see how it hurts you. But I’m happy that fate has put you and me together, Claire.”
And then he picked me up and sat me side saddle on his lap so that we could now see each others’ faces.
“Claire, I’m not asking you to stop loving Neil. He’s been your husband for the last twenty years and you’ve had two wonderful daughters together. But I am asking you to give our love a chance, so that maybe we can be as happy together over the next twenty years as you and Neil were in the past.
I looked into his loving eyes and in my sadness about things with Neil, was glad that I had someone there who loved me and who wanted to take care of me and build a life together.
Tears started rolling down my cheeks as I thought about the truth in his words.
His fingers still played with my rings, as he looked into my eyes. “Can I?” was his simple question, and we both knew what he meant. My tears carried on coming as I just nodded my head, unable to force a single word from my lips. Jason kissed me softly, and looked into my eyes as he slowly eased the rings Neil had given me off my finger.
We continued to look into each others’ eyes as he held me in his arms.
“I’m yours, Claire. Let’s go home, to our home, and hold each other and start our new life.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That night our love-making was what I needed. My heart was hurting. Yes, I had a new life to look forward to, but I was still hurting from the loss of my old life. But Jason understood this and our love-making was gentle and tender, starting the process of healing that I so desperately needed.
In the morning, I was woken by his gentle kisses, as he told me that I could rest at home if I wanted as he’d take care of everything at the school. It was good of him to offer, but I wanted to keep busy, to keep my mind off the changes in my life. And so I spent the day helping Agatha and Chloe with the kids at the school.
This did exactly what I needed, as it kept me from thinking about things I’d rather not think about. But as the kids headed off home and the tidying was finished, I looked at the clock and realized it was only two hours until Neil and I were due to have our nightly call.
Every fiber in my soul wanted to avoid this call. Neil and I had been awkward with each other the day before. And today I was no longer wearing my wedding band, having agreed to Jason removing all my rings the day before. We were still legally married, but emotionally our marriage was in freefall.
As seven p.m. approached, my stomach was doing somersaults, I was so nervous. I physically couldn’t stand up, I was that anxious. Several times I told Jason that I couldn’t go through with it, but he gently encouraged me and said it was best to get it out of the way.
At seven o’clock, Jason pressed the call button and then stepped into the background, to give me support but without being visible on the camera.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Amy, Caitlyn!”
The icon showed Neil’s name, but it was definitely not Neil’s face looking at me.
It was the faces of our daughters, huddled side-by-side to both be in the frame.
“Mum, we know all about it. Dad told us everything,” our elder daughter Amy told me.
I felt myself flush with color more than I’ve ever blushed in my entire life. The future of my marriage was on the line, but in that instant, I was more concerned about what my daughters would think of me and the antics that I and their father had got up to.
“It’s okay Mum. We stopped thinking of you and Dad as perfect a long time ago. I know you’re our parents, but you are allowed to have a sex life, and fantasies, and to do dumb stuff like the rest of us,” she continued.
I knew they were trying to make me feel better, but being spoken to like that by my two daughters only made me blush even worse at first. But eventually, as they continued, their reassurances started to make me feel better.
“Look, Mum. From what Dad told us, and you can imagine how that conversation went, you’ve both been more than a bit stupid.”
And then Caitlyn joined in, ever the joker, even in situations like this. “It’s okay mum, however dumb you might have been, we’ll still let you be our parents. We’re not going to disown you. Not just yet, anyway.”
I think I preferred Caitlyn’s humor and gentle mocking to her big sister’s scolding.
“Anyway, whatever you’ve got yourself in to, you and Dad need to talk. Like you should have talked this last weekend.”
I could hardly get a word in edgeways between my two daughters and their efforts to fix the mess that their father and I had made.
“So, as you’re already down there in Jamaica, Caitlyn and I have sent Dad down to Jamaica so that the two of you can talk and try and fix this mess,” Amy informed me.
There was a brief silence as no-one seemed to know what to say, and as normal Caitlyn broke the silence in her usual style. “You can speak now, Mum. You have our permission.”
Looking at our two girls, my heart went out to them. Fighting as they were to save our marriage.
“Girls, you know that your father and I love you with all our hearts, and we’d do anything for you. But, girls, it may be too late. A lot of things have happened in the last few months. A lot of water has already flowed under the bridge. I know no children ever want to see their parents split up, but sometimes it’s not possible to undo what’s already been done.”
I was in tears as I tried to make the girls realize that they might not be able to get what they so desperately wanted. But as I looked at their faces, I was surprised that there wasn’t more sadness there. Their faces were masks of confidence and strength.
It was Caitlyn who spoke next, for once serious rather than jokey.
“I understand what you’re saying mum, but I want you to just answer me three questions.”
“Okay, sure,” I answered, wondering what she was going to ask me.
“Do you still love Dad?”
“Yes, of course, I do. I’ll always love him.”
“Okay, then secondly, who do you love more? Dad or this Jason guy you’ve both got involved with?
I hesitated, and I saw their masks of confidence slip. It wasn’t a question I could answer easily, and the fact that Jason was standing just out of frame didn’t make it any easier.
“That’s a hard question to answer. Your father’s hurt me a lot these last few days. And I think his life’s moved on. Did he tell you about Hannah?”
Amy’s always been the one in our family with a temper, and I loved her for it when I heard her response. “You don’t have to worry about that bitch, mum. Caitlyn and I marked her card. I don’t think you’ll be seeing her again.”
Even after everything, part of me still liked Hannah. But a bigger part was proud of my girls and how they’d done to Hannah what I’d thought about doing but not done.
And Caitlyn’s more gentle voice added her thoughts. “And, Mum, I’m sure Dad has hurt you and been stupid. But ask yourself if you’ve maybe sometimes hurt him as well.”
She had a good point, however much I might not want to admit it. And Caitlyn’s question about who I loved more had started me thinking. When I’d thought that Hannah was still on the scene, the question of who I loved more didn’t matter, as only one man had been there for me. But if what they said was true, and Hannah was no longer around, then this question was one that was going to haunt and torment me.
Caitlyn brought me back to the present with her final question. “Mum, will you promise me and Amy that, however much you might be mad at Dad, you’ll at least sit down and talk with him?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I looked at my watch, The girls said their dad would be on the same nine-thirty flight he’d used before, so Neil would be here in around six hours time, and I was shaking like a leaf. The previous night, on the beach with Jason, I’d mentally started the process of moving on. That’s why I’d listened to Jason talking about our future together and allowed him to remove my wedding band. But all of the things I’d been thinking last night were thrown up in the air by what the girls had just told me.
It didn’t change anything about how I felt about Jason. I still loved him.
But it changed the other part of the decision. The Neil part of the decision. Last night I’d thought that Neil had chosen Hannah over me, and I was still angry at him for how he’d treated me at the weekend. Now I knew that Hannah was no longer on the scene, and I knew that Neil loved me enough that he was about to fly down here to try and rescue our love and marriage.
All these thoughts were whirling around in my confused mind as I looked up at Jason. I couldn’t fathom the look on his face, and the question that kept coming back to me was Caitlyn’s question about whether I loved their father more than Jason. And as I looked at Jason, it slowly dawned on me that however much I did love Jason, I loved Neil more.
Neil didn’t set my pulse racing with desire and excitement like Jason did. Neil and I had both known that and been open about that for many months. But what I had for Neil was a deeper and more spiritual love. It was a love forged and deepened in more than twenty years of a shared life. Nurtured by acts of love and unselfishness, both small and large. And brought to full fruition by that special bond when a couple raises children from cradle to maturity.
And it was that deeper love that had driven me back to New York for that terrible weekend which had nearly destroyed my marriage. I had missed Neil so much that I had been overjoyed by Jason’s suggestion of a surprise weekend visit to see my husband. That was why it hurt so much that Easter weekend when everything went wrong. Because I’d so desperately wanted to be alone with Neil, but every single part of the weekend conspired to push us apart.
With these thoughts running through my head, I knew finally the answer to the question Jason’s mother Alvita had asked me when I first met her. She’d asked me whether I loved her son and whether I’d break his heart.
She’d been happy when she’d seen the love between me and her son Jason. Now I was going to answer her second question in a less happy way. I knew that before the evening was out I’d break Jason’s heart.
Since the call with Amy and Caitlyn had ended, Jason had not spoken. But I think he saw some change in my face. The dimming of a light, or maybe my taut muscles as I anticipated what I’d have to tell him later.
“You’re leaving, aren’t you?”
For long moments, I didn’t answer because I wanted to delay the inevitable pain I’d cause. But finally, I told him. “Yes, Jason. I’m leaving. I love you more than you’ll ever know. But I love Neil more.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
EPILOGUE
Back in New York, for the next month, Neil and I talked little about what had happened. The practicalities at the school were taken care of by a very able administrator called Kate, who the bank HAD dispatched to oversee payments. A single, pretty girl in her late twenties with a mop of blonde curls and a feisty attitude.
But slowly we did open up and talk about what had happened over the last five months. To say it had been a roller-coaster ride would be a huge understatement. And as we talked we realized many things.
We realized we’d been amazingly cavalier in the risks we’d taken with our marriage. In our defense, we’d never done anything remotely like this before, and so maybe it’s not surprising we made so many mistakes. We’d also been totally seduced by the excitement and eroticism and novelty of our experiences. So much so that we’d lost sight of the fundamentals of our love and marriage. This was true both for me, and my obsession with Jason, and for Neil with his love of watching me.
We also realized how lucky we were that our marriage had survived. If it hadn’t been for the intervention of Amy and Caitlyn, I think we’d have lost each other. Maybe we’d each have been happy with Hannah and Jason. But we’d have been lost to each other, with twenty years love and marriage destroyed by five months running wild.
And the last thing that we realized as a couple together, was that the last five months had given us a taste for this lifestyle. I think part of each of us wished maybe that this wasn’t the case. But we forced ourselves to be honest about it. Those five months of running wild had changed both Neil and me.
And as we sat in our home in Lake Success in the Spring of 2017, we both wondered what this meant for the future of our love and marriage.
