As we grow up, our morality changes. What we learn to be right and wrong is black and white when we are younger. As we grow older the, the black and white start to turn to grey. The grey becomes a disagreement about what is right and wrong. Some people may think it is right, some people may think it is wrong, and others may think it depends on the situation. We all remember the book “All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten.” Play fair, don’t hit people, don’t take things that aren’t yours, wash your hands before you eat, flush, and among other things that are in the book that we do believe we should practice when we are older. When we get older, though, there are things that we all disagree on. When I got older, I learned that something I thought was wrong was not.
Growing up in a conservative Christian family, I was brought up with strict values. I went to a Christian school my whole, and those strict values were forced in my thinking. One of those strict values is that marriage is between a man and a woman. The whole of homosexuality is an abomination bullshit. I really did believe this growing up. Even though I thought this, there was something different about me. I first realized this when I had my first boyfriend. He was a super sweet boy that all the girls in our school had a crush on. We all know how some of those early relationships are though (sitting together at lunch, holding hands, and maybe going to the movies and kissing in the back of the theater). When you are dating the guy all the girls like in school, you should feel great about yourself. Especially when you go to the movies and see a scary movie. After the movie, I couldn’t tell people what the movie was about.
Something didn’t feel right. I don’t know if it was because of the way he kissed me or if it was something about me. We ended up breaking up. Let’s be honest. Most of these first relationships don’t always work. After we broke up, I still could not figure out what was different about me. Something else I could not figure out, but for some reason, I always got excited to go to my Chemistry class taught by Ms. West. I was never very good at science class in my life, and really hated it. Something would happen to me every time I would enter Ms. West’s class, but I could not explain it.
When I was taking Chemistry, I was also dating Johnny. He was the star running back. I was a cheerleader, so everything was like you see in the high school movies. I hated the fact that I was dating Johnny because of the whole cheerleader/football player dynamic, but he was so kind and respectful that I looked past it. I remember when he asked me to the dance and feeling a few butterflies but shocked he asked me. We started dating the rest of the year after that, and I felt like the most popular girl in school. Every Friday night, cheering for him. On every Saturday night, I would hang out with Johnny and his friends. I discovered some drinking games during this time, and later in the school year gave Johnny something you can only give to one person… my virginity. The night was not as special as I thought it would be.
Whoever said your first time should be special is obviously either lying or has never had sex. The first time is awkward, and it was Johnny’s first time as well (so didn’t last very long). We had sex a few more times, and yes, Johnny lasted a little longer. The thing that made it more enjoyable was when Ms. West popped into my head when we were having sex. I hated the thought of her popping into my head because, again, “homosexuality is an abomination.” The hardest part about this was I had no one to talk about this with. Premarital is frowned upon, but I did think that I loved Johnny. The premarital sex I knew some people could look past, but do I like women as well? I did everything to push those feelings down. As the school year came to an end, I found out Ms. West was leaving. The reason why the school said she was no longer going to be teaching there was because her values didn’t match the school.
Right before Johnny left to go to college on a football scholarship, we both decided it was best to break up. All the friends I made while dating Johnny were no longer around. They were in college, and I felt alone. I still was a cheerleader, but after Johnny and I broke up, I didn’t have the same aura about me. Another cheerleader got that, and I became the outcast. My love of science also disappeared. I spent most of my weekends at home by myself. I had a few guys who took me on dates but were intimidated because of the fact I was a cheerleader and used to date the star football player. This was a time in my life I tried to forget.
I ended up going to a public university. I learned there that maybe some of the morals I grew up with were different than what I grew up with. Something in my life changed on a September night when I was twenty. Using my fake ID, my girlfriends and I went to a bar downtown to celebrate a friend’s twenty-first birthday. After a couple of drinks, I felt a tap on my shoulder. I turned around, and a beautiful lady in her thirties smiled at me and asked, “Didn’t you go to St. Francis Christian?”
I looked at her, shocked. She was older than me. We wouldn’t have known each other if we had been in the same grade. “Yes, I did,” I stuttered.
“You were in my Chemistry class, weren’t you, Baileigh?” she asked.
The thought took a second, and then, in a voice that was way too loud, I asked, “Ms. West?”
She smiled and nodded. She looked even more beautiful than when she was teaching me. “It is so good to see you.” She smiled and gave me a hug.
Shocked at the hug because who would have thought an old teacher of yours would give you a hug, “Um, it is great to see you! How have you been?”
“Things have been good. I’m still teaching but at the local public school instead.”
“Oh wow! Do you like it better there?” I asked.
“I love it,” she said with a smile. “They let me be me, and they don’t judge me for who I am.”
I looked at her, confused.
“I’m a lesbian,” she said. “St. Francis found out, and they let me walk without announcing it.”
“Oh,” I said, “Well… it was great seeing you.”
“Hold on, Baileigh. Aren’t you a lesbian as well?” Ms. West asked.
“No, no, no, no way am I lesbian. I mean, don’t you remember me dating Johnny in school? It is wrong for me to be one as well.” I snapped back.
“But Baileigh, you were always in my class early and did very well in Chemistry. From what I could tell, you were very excited to see me. I thought you might have had a little crush on me, and to be honest, I felt the same way,” Ms. West replied. “I get it, though. You were raised in a conservative school and were raised probably to think homosexuality is wrong, but you should know it isn’t. Haven’t you felt alone and not yourself at times?”
“There were some times in school when I felt lost,” I replied.
“I see your friends are doing good over there. You want to come back to my place, and we can chat. I promise no wrong intentions, but maybe you have some questions. My place is a block away.”
I looked back at my friends and saw that they were all talking to boys, and didn’t seem to notice I was not there. I looked back at Ms. West seeing her face and remembering all the images that popped into my head while in school. I nodded yes and we walked out of the bar together. As we were walking to her place I was silent the whole walk. Not knowing what to say or expect. I felt Ms. West’s hand touch mine, but in a way where she seemed like she was trying to hold mine. I remember Johnny doing the same thing on our first date, but instead of holding her hand, I put my hand in my pocket.
“Here we are,” Ms. West claimed.
“Oh wow, you weren’t lying. You are close.”
We walked up two flights of stairs, and when I walked in, I noticed a simple apartment- nothing too fancy.
“You drink tequila, Baileigh?”
“I do,” I answered, “but I call it tekillya.”
Ms. West laughed and set out a bottle of Patron. I saw her go into the fridge. I sat down on the couch and was looking around when I heard Ms. West speak, “Baileigh you mentioned you felt lost at times in high school. Do you remember why you felt lost?”
“I don’t know I just didn’t feel like myself, but don’t a lot of kids feel lost in high school?” I responded.
Ms. West looked at me, smiled, and responded, “You know I went to St. Francis Christian.”
I looked at her, shocked.
“Yes, and I graduated, and I felt lost while there. I dated the star basketball player but was not a cheerleader like you were. I didn’t feel like myself there, but I was lucky.”
“What do you mean lucky?” I interrupted and asked.
“See, Baileigh, my parents were open with allowing me to be me. I had a lot of friends whose parents were not the same. That is one of the downfalls of going to a school like St. Francis. A lot of conservative, old-school values. The thing is, Baileigh, just because we were taught something doesn’t mean it is correct.”
I look over at Ms. West and see she is finished cutting limes and brings two shot glasses full of Patron to me.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome,” Ms. West responded, “Baileigh, do you know why I wanted to come back and teach at St. Francis?”
“I don’t know,” I responded and took the shot.
“For women like you,” she responded looking at me smiling.
“Like me?”
“Yes, the women who feel lost. Who have boyfriends to fit in, and because they think that is the right way. The truth is what we have been taught about homosexuality is wrong. It isn’t a choice because who would choose this life?”
I looked at her, thinking for a second, “What do you mean?”
“Who would want to go their whole life worrying about what their parents thought if they came out, what their friends thought, and at times living a lonely life?”
“I guess that makes sense.”
Ms. West moves and sits close to me on the couch. I look down nervously, not knowing what is going to happen.
“Baileigh, I have thought of you since I left that school,” Ms. West said. “I was worried for a bit about you.”
“Ms. West, what do you mean?”
“Please call me Amanda,” she responded, “I was worried that you weren’t going to find yourself and be lost and thinking one way is correct.”
“Amanda. I’m fine, though. I’m happy with my life,” I responded.
“Are you?” she replied. As she lifted my chin and looked at me. Looking into her eyes made my heart race like never before. I was so nervous that my hands were shaking. Amanda must have known because she set her hand on mine, and I felt a calm run through my body. Next thing I know her lips are touching mine. My eyes are closed tight. Her tongue was in my mouth, but not to where she was choking me the perfect amount of tongue.
I swear I have never felt that way during a kiss. It was warm and amazing. My body wanted more, to where I let myself free and climbed on her lap, straddling her on the couch and kissing her. My hands on her cheeks, her hands on my butt.
The next thing I remember is waking up the next morning. The light from the bedroom hit my eyes, and my head was beating. I looked at the room and noticed that it wasn’t my bedroom. A little worried, I moved up.
“I was wondering when you were going to get up,”
I looked and saw Ms. West at the entrance of the bedroom, sipping some coffee and smiling at me.
Noticing I didn’t have any clothes on underneath the covers, I sat up a bit with the blanket covering me.
“Now you are being shy,” Ms. West says, giggling while she walks over to me.
I looked at her as she walked over, “Um, Amanda, did we…”
“Yes,” she said, smiling.
“How was I?” I asked.
“You were great, but you could use a few more lessons,” she said as she kissed my neck.
“Well, Amanda I think I’m ready for the next lesson,” I said as I threw off the sheets.
“It is Ms. West, and I will be teaching you another chemistry lesson.”
