"... except this dildo..."
“Alamak, dildo ah? Cannot lah! Offensive weapon: stick up pilot backside hijack aeroplane! Singapore girl only use fingers lah – more hygienic!“No, fingers not for hijack, for stick up backside. Left hand only, then wash with soapy water, keep clean!...
"homage to a great British institution"
The Fucking Forecast, issued on behalf of the Merrytime and Cuntguard Agency.Shannon: Horny, wet, possibly very wet, increasing six or seven later. Tits moderate or good. Likes it rough or very rough, occasionally cyclonic. Dogger.However, there are warnings of flaccidity...
"It is Claire’s first day at the Royal Academy of Fucking – and she makes a new friend."
Hey fuckers! The name’s Ouettecunte: Claire Ouettecunte. But I think you know that already, right? This story is all about me, see: me and my pretty wet cunt – isn’t that totally fucking?So, Mom and Dad and Jack have at...
"Claire has an audition at the Royal Academy of Fucking."
The name’s Ouettecunte: Jack Ouettecunte. Now, I know what you’re thinking: that’s kind of a cunty name for a guy, isn’t it? I mean, how about something a bit more masculine, like “Jack Hammer”, or “Jack Screw”, or even “Jack...
"Claire hears back from the Royal Academy of Fucking."
The name’s Ouettecunte: Carl Ouettecunte. You’ve met my slut of a wife already, I believe. And my two wonderful fuck-brained children, Jack and Claire, of whom I am very proud.I am a small businessman. That is, my business is small,...
"Claire wants to apply to the Royal Academy of Fucking."
The name is Ouettecunte: Jane Ouettecunte. A highly distinguished old Saxon name, I am told by my husband. Mine was Bloggs; so you could say I have married into pedigree – and it suits me. Ouettecunte is, of course, the...
"Joy really wants to act..."
Fuck, thought Joy, as she settled into her cubicle at the Royal National Institute for the Deaf Message Relay Centre. Eight more hours relaying inane bullshit down a telephone line, she continued to self-commiserate, as she logged onto her TTY:...
"In a Hole in an Arse there lived a Fockit..."
In a Hole in an Arse there lived a Fockit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet Hole, filled with the ends of turds and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy Hole with nothing about it worth eating or...
"The end of Cunts"
ACT FIVE, SCENE ONEAnother three and a half years since the last flashback:it is now 2036,early summer,in a Victorian Grade II listed townhouse in Islington, London.“Friends and Fuckers! Welcome! Lick my pussy, all of you!” Hildegard was dressed in a...
"The triumph of Pleasure"
ACT FOUR, SCENE ONEa few days after our last chapter:Friday 21st May 2032,but very early in the morning, after a long night:The Corn Exchange, CambridgeWe will, we will FUCK YOU!chanted the crowd.We will, we will FUCK YOU!“What a night, eh?!”...