"Girls – isn't it annoying when your guy 'looks a gift arse in the mouth'?"
Fapfapfapfapfap…“Whatcha wankin’ to now, Jack?”“That arsehole! Isn’t it beautiful?” Fapfap…“Oh…? How comes it’s beau’iful, then?”“Look! Tight, puckered, clean. Makes you want to kiss it, and lick it, and–”“Jaaack!”“Hmm?” Fapfapfap…“My arsehole’s tight ‘n’ puckered. And I just gave it a really...
"Girls, don’t you hate it when your guy acts like a total tit?"
“‘One Tit Out’? Whassat about, Jack?”“It’s a forum for posting photos.” Fapfap…Sigh… “But she’s got both tits out!”“Yes, but you can only see one of them…” Fapfap…“Well, if you’re gonna call it that, then she should only ‘ave one out...
"Girls, don’t you hate it when a guy just can’t see the trees for the… 'wood'?"
“Oh, just look at that girl’s ‘air, Jack – innit beau’iful?”“Sam, I’m not looking at her hair…” Fap fap…“But it’s fuckin’ awesome!”“Perhaps – but under the current circumstances you will forgive me for concentrating on a different part of her...
"Harriet is learning to smoke; but is she addicted?"
Chapter Four:“Smoking Tobacco May Be Beneficial For Your Health”“Oh sweetcunt! Are you going to smoke and jerk off for us?” Genevieve’s face lit up with maternal delight. Her question was not unreasonable, as Harriet had appeared at the breakfast table...
"... except this dildo..."
“Alamak, dildo ah? Cannot lah! Offensive weapon: stick up pilot backside hijack aeroplane! Singapore girl only use fingers lah – more hygienic!“No, fingers not for hijack, for stick up backside. Left hand only, then wash with soapy water, keep clean!...
"homage to a great British institution"
The Fucking Forecast, issued on behalf of the Merrytime and Cuntguard Agency.Shannon: Horny, wet, possibly very wet, increasing six or seven later. Tits moderate or good. Likes it rough or very rough, occasionally cyclonic. Dogger.However, there are warnings of flaccidity...
"It is Claire’s first day at the Royal Academy of Fucking – and she makes a new friend."
Hey fuckers! The name’s Ouettecunte: Claire Ouettecunte. But I think you know that already, right? This story is all about me, see: me and my pretty wet cunt – isn’t that totally fucking?So, Mom and Dad and Jack have at...
"Claire has an audition at the Royal Academy of Fucking."
The name’s Ouettecunte: Jack Ouettecunte. Now, I know what you’re thinking: that’s kind of a cunty name for a guy, isn’t it? I mean, how about something a bit more masculine, like “Jack Hammer”, or “Jack Screw”, or even “Jack...
"Claire hears back from the Royal Academy of Fucking."
The name’s Ouettecunte: Carl Ouettecunte. You’ve met my slut of a wife already, I believe. And my two wonderful fuck-brained children, Jack and Claire, of whom I am very proud.I am a small businessman. That is, my business is small,...
"Claire wants to apply to the Royal Academy of Fucking."
The name is Ouettecunte: Jane Ouettecunte. A highly distinguished old Saxon name, I am told by my husband. Mine was Bloggs; so you could say I have married into pedigree – and it suits me. Ouettecunte is, of course, the...