Karonga, Malawi: Monday 23rd October 2017
Sue continued to look at me with that strange expression. I was really struggling to read her and know what she was thinking.
Anger? Indecision and desire? Hurt feelings? I couldn’t be certain, but my gut told me she was going through all of these.
I toyed with asking Grace to leave so we could talk. I was about to reject this and play some power game with Sue, but I knew this wasn’t the real me. It might have given me some small victory, but this had never been what Sue and I were about.
“Grace, honey. I’ll see you in a few minutes. But right now, could you give us a moment?”
This was the first time the smile had disappeared from Grace’s pretty young face. Just for a second she looked hurt. Her eyes looked a little sad, and I wondered if I was going to have a problem. But she was better than that. “Of course. I understand.”
It took her a little time to dress, but then she turned to the screen. “Bye, Sue. It was nice meeting you. I hope it’s all okay between you and Pete.” Her eyes were still sad, but even in her own sadness she was kind and thinking of others.
“You too, honey. Sorry, Grace. Pete and I just need some space to talk.”
Grace nodded her head and turned to look at me. She started to move to give me a goodbye kiss, but then checked herself, the hesitation written on her face. Instead, I just got a goodbye smile and no words. I smiled back. “Thanks, Grace. For understanding.” A sixth sense told me not to repeat my earlier ‘see you in a few minutes.’ Sue needed to know she was my undivided focus. Not something to be squeezed in while I waited to see Grace again.
The door closed and Grace’s heels headed back to reception. As I listened my horny mind pictured her shapely little legs atop those sexy heels and I felt myself harden just a little.
“Sue, are you okay, honey. Are we okay?”
Her expression softened. Happy to have her husband all back to herself. I could see her thinking, trying to find the words to express her feelings.
“It was hard, honey. Watching you and Grace. Like that. Making love. Kissing, looking at each other like that.”
Sometimes you can overthink these things, so instead, I just spoke from the heart, not allowing myself to think or filter. Just sharing with Sue how it was.
“Honey, Grace is sweet and pretty, and playful like a naughty sexy kitten. But she’s not even in the same universe as you and me. What we have. How much we love each other.”
Sue’s eyes started to tear up a little. She dabbed the tears away, a half smile slowly appearing.
“Thanks, darling. I know I have no right to feel jealous. After everything you let me do with Francis. But I got so scared and jealous. Seeing the closeness between you. The way you looked at each other. Thinking you might have feelings for her and not want me anymore.”
As she spoke, her expression told me Sue was reliving the pain. Remembering the feelings. My heart went out to her and I cringed inwardly at the thought of the pain I’d caused. Without thinking, my guilt made me act. “Maybe I shouldn’t see Grace again. I hate to cause you hurt, darling. Maybe that’s for the best.”
I could tell Sue was thinking about it. And a part of me regretted my rash offer. Being with Grace had been wonderful and I was already looking forward to our next time together. I waited with bated breath for Sue’s answer. Trying my best not to look too eager.
Conversations with Sue often don’t go in a straight line. My first clue being the change in her expression, as sadness and tears gave way again to confusion.
“Pete, more than ever, I don’t get it. Why do you encourage me to sleep with Francis? I thought I understood. The sexual excitement. Watching us together. The voyeur’s thrill at the highest level. Your wife with a big black guy. Bigger than you, the icing on the cake. But now, I’m not so sure I get it anymore. Now I know what the pain feels like. The hurt and jealousy and fear. Those things were really difficult for me. How come you’re okay with them and still want me to be with Francis?”
That was a damned good question. And it was going to difficult to explain. It took me some time to gather my thoughts before I was able to reply.
“There are limits, darling. Remember last week when I lost it. When it became too much.”
Sue nodded her head, listening intently.
“I guess it’s just who I am. I’ve always known you were out of my league. And I’ve always felt physically insecure. I guess deep down I want to be Francis or a guy like him. Sure, there’s a loving part of me who wants you to have the pleasure that he can give you. But as I’m the one giving you to him, it’s like at some level I feel I’m the one giving you the pleasure as well.”
None of this was new to Sue. Over the years we’d talked about it often.
“But what about the pain. The fear. The jealousy.” After her experience of watching Grace and me together, Sue was really struggling to understand.
I looked into my wife’s questioning and confused face and tried to explain. “Provided I know deep down I’m not going to lose you, there’s a huge part of me that gets off on these feelings. I’m not sure even I fully understand. It goes way back. But, Sue, honey, I can’t deny it. It’s who I am. I can’t remember a time when I wasn’t like that. It goes way back.”
There was a long pause. Sue was looking inward. Looking deep inside.
I wondered if she was going to repeat what she’d said to Jenny. How a part of her wished that I wasn’t like this. That I was like normal husbands who just wanted a little kinky uniform or toy or bondage play. At the time I’d been embarrassed to hear Sue say this, and I hoped she wasn’t going to bring this up again.
As it happens, she didn’t repeat what she’d said to Jenny. But seeing her expression, I thought there was a fair chance this was what she was thinking.
I suddenly felt very frightened. We’d dodged a bullet once before, and I was frightened that we were heading to a bad place once more.
Sue continued to struggle with her thoughts, my fears building until her expression changed.
“Pete, darling. You know we’re at a crossroads, right?”
She paused, waiting for me to speak before she continued. “Honey, until now we’ve only been playing. A weekend a couple of years ago. The disaster that was Brandon, just for a few days. And then the last week and a half with James and Francis, which kind of snuck up on us by accident.”
She continued, “Pete, sweetheart, I’m not sure you planned it this way, but somehow you’ve got us to this crossroads. If we carry on the direction we’re going, there’s no going back. Sure, you’ll come home in a couple of weeks. And Francis will be away in Nigeria for a while. But you’ll carry on wanting me to see Francis. Pushing us together. And we’ll be changed.”
Sue finished with, “Pete, don’t get me wrong. We’ll still love each other. But we’ll be changed. At the moment we’re just playing at it. But if we carry on like this, there’ll be three people in this marriage.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The conversation with Sue really hadn’t moved in a straight line. Moving from her feelings about Grace and me to an existential discussion of where our marriage was headed.
But I couldn’t argue with what Sue was saying. I knew she was right, our marriage was at a crossroads. I might be the one with the high IQ. But Sue’s always been the one with a better balance. High IQ, high EQ and a generous portion of common sense.
The video I’d been so looking forward to was put on hold. Sue’s relationship with Francis was also put on hold. Sue and I spent every evening that week talking and thinking.
It was a voyage of discovery as Sue and I discussed both the past, where we were today and what we wanted from the future. We were totally honest with each other. Often painfully honest. And somehow, over many hours talking we stumbled towards a path forward.
Jenny’s earlier comments that I always pushed what I wanted first, still stuck in my mind. So I insisted that we put Sue’s wants and needs first in our discussions. Not to give them priority but as a way of making sure what she wanted carried equal weight.
As we talked through that rest of that week it became clear to both of us that Sue was more confused than I was. I’d been mostly thinking with my dick. Pushing thoughts about the long term impacts right the way to the back of my head.
Sue, as is her way, had started thinking about where we’d be in six months or a year, forcing her to face some hard truths. Which was why she’d made her ‘crossroads’ comment.
We discussed the last twenty years. So many happy memories. The two of us, then the three of us as we enjoyed the wonderful years as Donovan grew up. And Sue forced us to face the fundamental question. Were we both okay if our happy little trio became a life with four people in it?
There were tears in her eyes as Sue told me the last few days had clarified one big question in her own mind. If she and Francis carried on seeing each other, she knew she’d definitely end up in a place where she loved him.
Even saying this had been really hard for Sue. And no sooner had she forced herself to admit it than she quickly added that this didn’t mean she loved me less or would leave me. But that she needed me to know that her feelings would grow to a point where she loved Francis.
Hearing these words felt like a huge kick in the gut, as my emotions overwhelmed me. Before, this kind of set-up had always been part of my fantasy world. But that was fantasy. This was cold hard reality. With a man who was with Sue in New York when I was half a world away. A man who was no flash in the pan. Already in our lives for nearly three years now.
The other thing Sue forced herself to say out loud was how the last week and a half had made her realize how her attitude to sex had changed. Before, we’d opened the Pandora’s box for just a couple of short snatches. The cracks had maybe appeared a little, but fundamentally Sue said she still looked upon sex as something between a wife and husband.
She looked a little sad and a little guilty as she forced herself to say how the last days had changed this. How she now felt freer and hungrier for new and different sexual experiences. She likened it to being a young single woman again. She said she loved the part of her life which was Sue the mother and Sue the wife and Sue my best friend. But these were now just part of her. Not all of her. She was also Sue the woman, keen on experiencing all that life had to offer in the way of sexual variety and experiences.
Hearing Sue’s taut, emotion-filled voice sharing these revelations with me was one of the defining moments in our marriage. Akin to early heart-to-heart discussions when we got engaged, or later when we talked about the hopes and fears as we became parents.
Hearing Sue share these two things, I knew in my heart and soul that our marriage might be entering a new phase. It was like watching a sports game. I knew that this week of conversations might mark the end of the first half of our marriage and the start of the second half which promised to be very different.
As we talked and talked, I forced myself to look at this wonderful woman and imagine how I’d really feel about sharing her with Francis in the way she described. How I’d feel watching their emotional connection grow deeper day-by-day and month-by-month. How I’d feel the first time Sue smiled at him and told him she loved him. How I’d feel as the new, adventurous Sue explored new sexual horizons. No longer just my wife and Donovan’s mother. A mature and beautiful woman intent on tasting all the sexual variety that life can offer.
Imaging Sue like this and how I’d feel was the scariest and most exciting thing I’d experienced in my forty-nine years of life.
And it wasn’t just myself forcing me to dig deep and face my true feelings. Sue was quietly insistent, encouraging me to confront these realities. As we talked these things through the full enormity of what we were contemplating hit me.
We were talking about changing the very foundations of our marriage and relationship. Exclusivity and two people joined together as one would give way to agreed sharing. Two would become three, and who knows, maybe more. The conversation had mainly been about Sue, Francis and myself. But Sue also insisted we discuss ground rules and expectations for Grace and me, and possibly other women when I returned to New York. After all, this had been the catalyst to start Sue thinking about where our marriage was headed.
We both knew I wasn’t looking for a serious relationship. Sue was my heart and soul and I was more than content with this. But we also both knew after Grace, that me being with another woman was something Sue struggled with but wanted to put on the table. So we agreed that what was okay for Sue would also be okay for me.
We didn’t outline a big long list of does and don’ts. In essence, we agreed to always be open with each other, communicating even when this was hard. And we agreed a golden rule. If either of us was really unhappy with something and said ‘stop’, then we’d stop.
We both wanted this rule because we were trying to get the balance right. We were still a couple in love. A couple who had no intentions of losing what we had, and losing each other. But we were a couple who were on the point of a major change.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Karonga, Malawi: Friday 27th October 2017
It had taken us all week to reach the conclusions we’d got to. The heart-to-heart conversations had started that Monday night as Grace had left my room. They’d lasted all week. And now here we were.
From all the talking, we both knew where things were heading. But neither of us had had the courage to say it out loud and with crystal clarity.
It was Sue who summoned the courage first.
“Honey, is that it then? Is this what we’re agreeing. We’re both free to see and date other people?
Just for a moment, all the highlights of the last twenty years flashed through my mind. Is this it? Is this what we really want? Is this what I really want? Was this really wise?
We’d both have our freedom, but Sue was a nine to my four or five.
Looking deep into Sue’s beautiful green eyes, with excitement and fear inextricably wedded together, I answered her question.
“Yes, Sue darling. I never ever want to lose you. But I’m giving you that freedom.”
As I looked at that intelligent, beautiful face that had been beside me these last twenty years, I saw a mix of sadness, fear, and excitement. It mirrored my own emotions. We were both excited to enter the second half of our marriage. But we’d have been stupid and less than human if this wasn’t tinged with sadness and some trepidation.
As I said these words to Sue, in my mind I saw an image of a bird flying free. I remembered childhood stories of Noah and the dove he set free. And I hoped with all my heart that once freed, my dove would still want to return home.
End of Part One.
Part Two to follow very shortly.
