My emotions were all over the place…
I felt that I had opened up a ‘Pandora’s Box’ with Marc. I had more than just piqued his interest with my tales of my teenage fantasies, and followed by a detailed confession of my adolescent experimentation with my brother.
Marc seemed to be obsessed with not only knowing the details of what happened, he seemed to want to actually live through these experiences vicariously.
I was conflicted. I did not really want to dwell on these emotionally charged memories; however, I realized that there was some genuine therapeutic value in reliving the sexual exhilaration of my sibling sexual exploration.
The fact that Marc found my history with my brother stimulating, rather than repulsive, was quite palliative for me. I had harbored the shame and guilt of my taboo actions alone for nearly a decade. Now Marc was telling me that I was not a pariah. I was an incredibly sexy and intriguing woman. On one level, this felt good.
Yes, in a strange way, Marc’s reaction to my tale of incestuous activity served as an elixir of sorts; diminishing the remorse and anguish I had been wrestling with for the past decade.
After considerable reflection, I finally decided that there was no real downside to satisfying my partner’s prurient interest with details of my early history of sexual discovery.
“So, do you and Gary ever discuss these events?” Marc pried, trying to further understand the dynamics of the unconventional relationship I experienced with my older brother.
“Honestly, no. Gary harbors a great deal of guilt and regret…more than I do, actually. Which is quite regrettable. In truth, I was far more culpable than he was. I actually was the instigator of much of what occurred. If I had not been so fixated on this wicked little fantasy of mine, none of this would have happened.”
Marc’s countenance changed. He looked concerned. “Have you expressed this to your brother? You know, told him that you realize that you were the instigator?”
“Not in so many words,” I replied. “Gary really never wanted to even discuss ‘our history’ with me.”
“Well, you should. You really owe it to him to let him know that he was not a predator here…that you do not blame him…in fact, just the opposite.”
I listened silently, but said nothing. Marc was right. I needed to do what I could to alleviate my brother’s guilt. Despite the way society might look at our journey of discovery, it was exciting, and, in a way, beautiful. It was gentle and caring. And certainly, Gary was not the main instigator; I was. Oh he was a willing participant; but it was me, not him, who really put these events in motion.
I committed to calling my brother later that afternoon, to check on him. If the situation allowed, I would bring up our past.
I waited until early afternoon, when Marc had gone for his afternoon run, before I dialed Gary’s number. I wanted the house to myself to make this call. I did not want Marc eavesdropping on my conversation.
Gary was working for medical supply firm in Seattle. I had not spoken to him in many months. It occurred to me that I was always the one initiating these calls, never my brother.
Gary picked up on the third ring. Aided by caller ID, he answered, “Julie, is everything okay?”
“Well clearly we do not chat often enough if you immediately suspect an emergency or crisis when I call. Yes, everything is fine…I’m just checking in.”
“I just wasn’t expecting your call…I’m just enjoying my quiet weekend, at home alone.”
“Where’s Christine?” I asked. Christine was his live-in girlfriend. I had only met her a couple of times, but I liked her.
“Christine moved out…a couple of months ago.”
“Damn, Gary, what happened?”
“She wanted a commitment, and I wasn’t ready.”
“I am so sorry to hear that. I really liked her,” I said with genuine regret.
“Aw, it’s probably for the best. She wanted something I couldn’t give her,” Gary lamented. “Anyway, how are you doing, sis?”
“You should have called me. When you two split, you should have called me. You should not have faced this break up alone.”
“There was nothing you could have done. I could have stopped her from leaving, if I had really wanted to, but I wasn’t ready to commit…I don’t know if I ever will be. Truthfully, I compare women I date to you, and they all seem to fall short…silly huh? Well, let’s talk about something more ‘upbeat’…how are things with you?”
I was taken aback by Gary’s comment about comparing women to me…I honestly did not know how to respond, so for the moment, I ignored it.
“I’m fine. Marc’s fine. Work is fine. Everything is fine. I was just thinking about you, and wanted to chat.”
There was an uncomfortable pause in the conversation, like neither of us knew exactly what to say. Finally, on the heels of Gary’s comment about comparing his dates to me, I asked, “Gary, do you ever think about us? You know, the stuff we did when we were kids?”
Gary gave a nervous laugh and said, “Jesus, of course I do…too often, actually. I am really sorry about what happened. I really hope I didn’t harm you…I hope you can forgive me…Do you think about it a lot?”
“Yeah, I guess…sometimes. Gary, you need to quit beating yourself up. ‘You didn’t ‘do’ anything to me…we were both complicit. We were just kids…and, it was mostly my fault. I was the instigator, not you.”
“No, I was older…I should have known better…in fact, I did know better. I really am sorry,” he apologized.
“Don’t apologize. Here is a shocker for you…I actually don’t regret what we did.” There I said it. Deep down, I’d known it for a long time, but I never admitted it, not even to myself.
“You don’t?” Gary was obviously stunned at this revelation.
“No, honestly, I don’t. Gary, we were kids…curious kids, whose hormones were running on overdrive…we were going to explore these things with someone. I’m glad it was you…I’m glad it was someone who loved me, and cared for me.” I paused to collect my thoughts. “And Gary, honestly, in a way, I cherish some of those memories.”
“You don’t feel like I harmed you, in some way? You know, cheated you out of discovering those things with a boyfriend in a more normal way?”
“Oh hell no. The boys I was dating were insensitive, inconsiderate pigs. They just wanted to get as far as they could without regard to whether or not I wanted it, or whether or not my needs were being met. They didn’t even pretend to care about me, or love me. No, I really think this was better…at least for me,” I confided.
One of my most salient traits is when I am nervous, I talk too much…I was nervous discussing my brother’s and my history…and my nervousness was manifesting itself by me volunteering way too much information. And once I got started, I couldn’t stop.
“Gary, yours was the first penis I ever saw, the first erection I ever touched, the first boy that ever gave me an orgasm. And our first kiss was the most memorable kiss of my life.”
Gary interrupted my diatribe, “Julie, this means a lot to me…for years, I have been torturing myself, thinking that I harmed you…that I stole your innocence…’
I had to laugh, ‘Stole my innocence? Please. That morning when I brought you the juice and Tylenol, I was trying to sneak another look at that gorgeous cock of yours…I might have been inexperienced, but I was anything but innocent. Far from it.”
“So, you thought my cock was gorgeous? I never knew.”
“Oh yeah. Hell, Gary, I was absolutely fascinated with it. You need to understand, when I came in your room, that first morning, and you had that huge erection, I was fucking mesmerized…I tried not to stare at it, but I just couldn’t stop myself. And when you got up to walk to the bathroom we shared, to brush your teeth, well, it was a magnificent sight…that cock of yours stood so hard and proud in front of you…it was fucking hypnotic…I can still visualize how that rigid cock of yours swayed back and forth in from of you as you walked…I felt like I was in a trance watching it…Gary, I don’t know if I ever told you, but I started creaming in my panties just looking at you…I got so wet, my panties were soaked.”
“Julie, you’re gonna make me blush…tell me more,” my brother quipped. “The thing I remember is when you asked me to show you how I jacked off. You caught me by surprise.”
I giggled, “I know. I still can’t believe I said that…It was so bad of me…I was a very naughty little girl that day, huh? And you made me promise not to tell anyone, before you’d agree to do it. But you started to do it! You actually started stroking yourself while I watched! Watching you was so…I don’t know…captivating…I guess captivating is the right word,” I said, giggling some more.
“I know. It’s crazy. No one would believe us. I’m not sure I believe I did that…I am still not sure why I did it, either,” Gary reflected.
“I know…and then you convinced me to ‘help you out’. I think those are the exact words you used, too…I was so scared as you took my hand and placed it on your boner. I honesty felt dizzy. Gary, I can still remember how surprised I was as I felt the warmth, the thickness, and the weight of your erection. It was so hard, and the texture was so smooth, it was like nothing I had ever touched before. And heavy; I remember being surprised at how heavy your penis felt in my tiny hand.
“Gary, I felt like I was in a dream, it actually felt like someone else was controlling my actions, and my movements. My fingers barely could encircle the entire thickness of your shaft. Even now, thinking back, it seems surreal, or like a haze…
“And, I remember after closing my fingers, I just froze, leaving my hand in place as you humped your dick in and out of my hand. I was simply unable to process the enormity of this event at the moment.
“As absurd as it might seem, I felt as though it was not me, but someone else inside my body doing this. It felt as though I was watching myself from outside myself, and that I no longer controlled my own actions.”
Gary mused, “I remember that, at first, you just sat there, your hand frozen in place, not moving… I had to take your wrist and move it up and down a couple of times. After two or three strokes, I released your wrist and you continued to move your tiny fist up and down, pumping my woody,” my brother recalled. “You got the hang of it pretty quickly.”
“Yeah, I guess I’m what you would call a quick study, huh?””
“Oh definitely…you were a great student…kind of a ‘teacher’s pet’, now that I think of it,” Gary laughed.
“I Know…I remember it well…we’re laughing now, but at the time, this was amazingly exciting for me…You have no idea how aroused I got…In fact, if you recall, I got so wound up myself, that I couldn’t resist any longer. I had to touch myself too. I slid my left hand down inside my panties as I continued to pump your cock. I didn’t really understand what was happening, or why I was reacting as profoundly as I was, but I was caught up in the total eroticism of seeing and touching my first erection; and giving you my first hand job. God, I was so friggin’ turned on; I actually felt dizzy with lust.
“And, you didn’t last long…after about a minute, I remember you moaning ‘Julie, I am going to shoot’. My fingers were busily rubbing my ‘little nubbin’ while I was pumping your boner. I was rocking my hips involuntarily…At first, I wasn’t sure what ‘I’m gonna shoot’ meant…but I soon learned!”
“If I remember correctly, you were a little startled?”
“I’ll say…startled is one word for it. The nuns at school had not prepared me for what happened next, that’s for sure.
“Before I knew what was happening the first long string of warm, white semen erupted from your penis, shooting through the air several inches, landing on my arm and t-shirt, barely missing my face. It shot out so suddenly that the white gooey substance seemed to simply magically appear in the air above the head of your cock. I did not even see it leave your cock…it simply appeared in the air.
“And, one of the most salient memories of that day was the scent of your sperm…the aroma of your semen suddenly filled my nostrils…and I found it amazingly appealing…the smell tapped into some deep hidden primordial instinct. I really loved the scent of your semen…
“Gary, I know you weren’t aware of it at the time, but the suddenness of your ejaculation, as it shot from your erection, and the uniquely appealing scent of your semen, caught me by surprise; and, to my amazement and shock, your ejaculation triggered my own orgasm! I had a massive orgasm myself as you were cumming all over my arms and thighs, and pretty much everywhere,” I revealed.
“Seriously? You came when I did?”
“Uh huh. It’s true. Sitting there with my left hand vigorously rubbing my erect clit, I started to climax, as I pumped your cock in my fist. I had the most powerful orgasm of my young life. My entire body shook and quivered as the waves of pleasure rocked though my vagina. I could feel myself spasm in wave after wave as my vagina seemed to open and close involuntarily forcing my lubrication to seem to squirt out of me, making the gusset of my panties very wet. It was the most intense response I had ever experienced. You were too caught up in your own climax to even notice.”
“I never knew…why didn’t you tell me?” Gary asked.
“I’m not really sure. I was a little embarrassed, and somewhat ashamed. I did not really understand what was happening, or why…but that moment is embedded deep within my memory. I cannot see a man’s erection without comparing it to yours…and Gary, even to this day, no one else’s cock is as exciting, or appealing as yours was that amazing morning….no, I do not regret what we did…I cherish it.”
We sat silent on the phone for several seconds, neither of us knowing exactly what we wanted to say next. Finally, Gary interrupted our silence with, “Interesting. I just assumed you hated me for all the things I got you to do. I always felt guilty, like I took advantage of my baby sister…”
“Gary, nothing could be further from the truth. You didn’t take advantage of anybody…it was me who set things in motion. I was the little vixen who suggested you masturbate while I watch…I was the instigator. If anyone is culpable here, it’s me.”
“But I got you to touch me…and that night, when I snuck into the bathroom while you were in the shower…that was on me…I took the bait and ran with it…” Gary lamented. I sensed he wanted to continue the discussion to receive further absolution for his sins.
“Okay, yeah, you were being pretty bad then…I admit that was pretty naughty…sneaking into the shower with me…you were a naughty boy…but I could have sent you away. I didn’t. I let you stay. And you certainly did teach me a thing or two about shower massagers that evening. I still do that, to myself that is, occasionally.” I reflected. “Where did you ever get an idea like that to use a shower massager on me?”
“I’m not sure…it just came to me when I saw you in the shower, naked. You had such a perfect young body. It was like you changed into a woman overnight. Anyway, I saw the shower massage hanging from the shower wall, it was pulsing against your young breasts and I thought, ‘I wonder how this would feel on her clitoris?’ And, if I remember correctly, it worked pretty damn well, didn’t it?”
“Oh yeah…amazingly well. I remember I had been soaking in the shower for an extended period of time, trying to deal with the conflict that was overwhelming me. I was feeling pretty guilty about what we had done earlier that day. I was truly conflicted. I thoroughly enjoyed what we had done, however, we had crossed a line that our society has deemed uncrossable.
“I was ashamed, and guilt ridden; at the same time, I was excited and confused. I did not fully understand my reaction to the events of that morning; but the image of your magnificent erect cock as it erupted with the remarkable spewing of semen was profoundly stimulating to me.
“I was truly torn…emotionally, that is.
“Then, I heard the bathroom door open and close, and I stood motionless, listening intently to determine if anyone had entered the room. On one hand, I hoped it was you; on the other, I feared it was you…I didn’t know what I wanted. I was a mess.
“I felt an anxious ache in my stomach as I questioned simply, ‘Gary?’, without looking outside the shower curtain. You simply answered, ‘Yeah, Julie, it’s me.’ I knew I should ask you to leave, but something stopped me. I just could not send you away at that moment. I wanted you to stay. I needed you to stay.
“Then you slowly pulled to shower curtain back slightly, and peered in at me. I can still picture you; you were wearing a pair of light grey gym shorts and t-shirt.
“You remember what I was wearing?”
“Uh huh…I remember every single detail of that day vividly,” I continued. “I stood there, in all my glorious nakedness. I made no attempt to cover myself, or to close the shower curtain,. With my back towards you,…
