however I flicker in you,
passions shivering down
to the barest root.
The same animal broke us from each other,
one you’ve promised may come to help us
move openly together, fold into one forever.
Raw joy streamed through our entirety,
gooselfesh resting still to naked eyes,
but even the most patient lens
doesn’t glass everything or touch
some tiny contours to see closer,
to feel what continuously hums beneath.
Perhaps I was never ready for this.
To be so tuned to desire’s every ring,
open enough to know exactly
where to wound the other,
to know which detonation
can scorch the most earth.
Wherever you sleep now,
however I breathe you in,
however alike you and I are,
side by side, torn apart, braided tight,
the cantata shivers beneath our song,
choral echoes following the cold,
the warmth I may find in flesh.
Because different voices
may reach from our silence,
you wait for revelation in yours.
Some previously unknown inner chart
to suddenly glow in precise points,
to say that this is the best place,
the safe harbor, baby girl, this is true,
beyond the armor once worn around you.
I still wait for shelter in mine,
I still think in numbers and stars,
in constellations and the binding ghosts
that weave between planetary pulls.
I’ve admired your raw passion before,
to move so openly in dark tides,
despite the claws that may lie in wait
at the opaque edges of what
you’ve been searching for.
And the creature I’ve so cautiously glassed,
the animal that broke us from each other,
it cares not for the specific scent
or fragile shape of another’s core.
Or how anyone folded together and untwined,
to so quickly smash such a faithful lens,
but I promise you that I drew and clung
to the continuous hums beneath.
Perhaps I was never ready for this.
Never ready to be so tuned to
the way your desire so nakedly sings,
open enough to flow true nectar,
never safe from a scorched earth.
Wherever you touch now,
however I finally sleep,
the cantata beneath our song,
the choral echoes graze any warmth
that may seek to comfort me.
Am I just somewhere you go to
in order be remembered?
Some souvenir of love’s
unique resonance?
Whether or not I can take this
I think some fingerprint,
some trace of you is buried
in all I say and do,
atoms still binding
after you’ve gone.
Different voices may metastasize in our silence,
no difference between bullets or soft blows,
or if this was really all about protection,
to guard from what could eviscerate us later.
You wait to be completely consumed in yours,
some previously fragmented, quiet chart
suddenly roared with cold precision,
with illuminated marks to say
This is the armor that jealously guards now,
your sentinel and complete sanctuary,
the firm guide, the gentle hands
to dance through all your secret dreams.
The touch you relinquish all control to
with the promise of safety, baby girl,
to tie and undo all unknown cords,
to reach where no else can…
I still wait for shelter here,
I still think in numbers and stars,
in constellations and binding tissues
no longer soothed in planetary pulls,
holding on tighter only hurt more.
I’ve envied your animal passion before,
to move so openly into raw desire,
but remember the adorable steps gleaned
in order to so carefully study and claim you,
I once knew every one of them by heart.
The same animal that broke us from each other,
I’ve studied its cycles and parallels,
all of its limbs and psychology,
the rewards so lovingly dangled,
I already knew its demands
long before I ever knew you.
The pure ecstacy streaming in
the midst of an entire surrender,
the continuous thrum within,
any true exchange may only be just that:
yes, please, thank you, good girl, repeat.
No permanent center or lens joined,
but perhaps I know even less now.
Perhaps I was never ready for this.
Perhaps there are hums between people
but can never really be anything more,
maybe I’m just somewhere you go
in order to really be remembered,
some souvenir of love’s unique resonance.
Whatever you surrender to,
whatever will chain me,
I think that a fingerprint,
an intricate cantata
of you follows wherever
I may finally be warm again.
Wherever we can move openly.
