I dreamed that all my wounds had healed, which freed me to move on.
My confidence was coming back, I’d thought it all but gone.
A smile, a laugh, an opening up, a glimmer of some hope,
But my epistemic self still said I was a dope.
*
Not sure if I was was worthy, was sadly my belief
And a brave face was the one I wore, despite the mental grief.
Suppressing it, I steeled myself and closed my inner ears.
Struggling with the demons who had magnified my fears.
*
A light shone through the darkness then, a ray of golden sun,
I tried to too hard to capture it and made its light turn wan.
You simply cannot understand what goes on in my mind
And I could never show you it, for fear of what you’d find.
*
Why can’t I have the happiness that others seem to seek?
Because those wounds keep festering and rendering me weak.
I’m sure I’m better every day, although sometimes I slip.
But finding you has made me smile and makes my stomach flip.
*
“You idiot!” that inner voice, she taunts me once again,
“You misread the signals all along. Oh, will you ever learn?”
She laughed at me, admonishing, for thinking I was free,
Please do not judge for who I am, let me just be me.
*
I thought that I was ready, I was even almost sure
But poor judgement, on my part, has left me insecure.
I wish that I was ready, I try so hard each day.
Perhaps the trying is too much and frightens them away?
*
Disappointment racked my soul, I felt my spirit crack
But safer to retreat for now than let the pain come back.
So, taking a deep breath, I simply sit here and I scrawl
Realising what I thought was good, was nothing after all.
*
“Be quiet! Don’t you put me down,” I told my inner voice
But she merely laughed at me, “My dear, you have no choice.”
Initially, I thought her cruel, an evil, heartless bitch
And that my time of solitude must surely be a glitch?
*
“Oh, love will come, you mark my words,” I heard her say to me,
“For now you must step back and heal, just simply let things be.”
I understood the wisdom of the words that she had said
And tried to calm the constant fight between my heart and head.
*
Resigned again to being alone, I took her words to heart
Just letting time begin to mend, what once was torn apart.
I know that I’m not perfect, I can but only strive,
But hope is strong and I BELIEVE. It keeps my dreams alive.
