On Friday, June 15, 2018, I arrived on base. I drove to the base exchange which we called the BX. I had a small cooler with me as I walked inside looking lost. She saw me before I saw her, “SSgt Wilkes?” I heard a voice inquire, I turned to see a woman slightly shorter than me and thick. She filled out her uniform nicely and was sharp. Her skin was deep mahogany, her almond-shaped eyes shined with life just below her perfectly arched eyebrows. Her hair was cut short and even all-over colored jet black.
“Yes,” I replied as I read her name tag, “SSgt Hernandez. Hola. Como estas?”
She chuckled, “Girl, I don’t speak Spanish beyond una cerveza por favor.”
I laughed, “Oh okay. I thought you were Hispanic.”
“No, my husband Diego is. He’s deployed right now. I’m here with our son,” she replied as she looked at what I had in my hand. “Oh look you brought the good stuff.”
I handed her the cooler, “You can keep the cooler it’s an early birthday gift.”
She smiled, “Real early my birthday isn’t until December.”
We laughed.
“So, are you married, husband, wife? What’s your story?” she asked.
I chuckled as we walked over to a table and sat, “I’m single.”
She grinned, “You won’t be for long. There are a lot of guys around here and when they sense fresh meat, they’ll be all over you.”
I shook my head, “Um, not looking for anyone.”
“Oh, you don’t have to be. How do you think I got caught up? Shucks, girl, I was wifed up, barefoot, and pregnant in a year of being stationed here.”
“But you’re happy right?”
“Yeah. I love my guys. They’re great. So where are you staying?’
“I got a condo down off Highway 98 in Okaloosa Island.”
“Oh, you fancy.”
“It was a good price and by the water. I love the water.”
She kept looking at my hair, “Is that all you?”
I nodded, “Yeah.”
“Girl, I wish my hair grew like that, what you got some Cherokee or Choctaw in your blood?”
I laughed so hard, “No, girl, you’re so crazy.”
We shared another laugh. “Yass hunty all that pretty hair and that shape, you will be busy in no time. Well, let’s eat something and then head to the orderly room to start your in-processing. We ain’t in no rush though, whatever we don’t get done today, we can do Monday.”
*******
Ro and I turned out to be compatible. I hadn’t had a cool girlfriend since high school. We would laugh for hours about everything. She was so funny and I loved her son. I had only heard her husband’s voice over the phone whenever he called from an undisclosed location.
One day we were having lunch when this guy walked up and spoke to her. “Hey SSgt Hernandez,” he said as he looked at her briefly and shifted his gaze to me.
“Relax TSgt Wilson, Jackie is not interested,” she joked.
He stood six feet tall with brown skin, dark brown eyes, and a nice smile. “I haven’t said anything to the young lady yet.”
“Girl, just say, ‘no.’ He works with Diego, they stay deployed.”
He laughed, “Diego stays gone. I might do a trip here and there if I want to. ‘Cause I got it like that.”
“Oop,” I said.
She laughed, “Um, well, you need to teach Diego your ways.”
“If you convince this pretty lady to go out with me maybe I will.”
I made a face. She laughed, “She is not having it. She has turned down about thirty dudes already.”
He invited himself to our table, “And why is that? Don’t tell me you’re one of those independent, I don’t need no man—”
“I don’t need a man. But if I want one. I can certainly get one.”
She pointed at him and laughed.
“Okay Miss Independent,” he said as he stood, “you’ll be singing a different tune later when that biological clock catches up to you.” He left the table.
“Girl you are hard on dudes.”
“Not really. I’m still not completely over someone. It’s, I don’t know; plus most of these men are misogynists and I hate that shit. After three phone conversations, I can usually rule them out. All they want is someone to fuck and pay half the bills while they bark orders at you. Like sir, sit the fuck down.”
“Damnnnn Jackie, vicious, but, you know there are a few good ones out there.”
I sighed, “The one I left was a good one.”
“Why aren’t you guys together?”
“Well, my mom says she wants her grandbabies to be black, black.”
She nodded, “Oh you were over there in New Mexico swirling?” She nudged me with a huge smile, “Okay chick I ain’t mad atcha, Shit I got me a Hispanic one. You think your moms would be okay with you dating a Hispanic dude.”
I rolled my eyes, “Hell no. She is special. And stays in church praying over folks and whatnot. I’m like Mom, you’re a mess but she doesn’t see the hypocrisy in it.”
******
Fourth of July weekend, Ro and I went to New Orleans for the Essence festival. She had left Little D in Fort Walton Beach with Diego’s sister Hannah. Her husband was not scheduled to return from deployment until late August. During that time, I got to know her son very well.
On the days she worked late, I picked him up from daycare. I’d take him out for his favorite ice cream and sometimes we went to the beach.
One day in August, Little D and I were walking through the BX when I saw him. I had not seen him since that afternoon when I dismissed him from our table at lunch in June.
“So, you do like kids.”
I scoffed, “Of course I like kids.”
“Um, how you gone have a kid of your own if you keep shooting brothers down without giving them a chance?”
Diego looked at him, “Who are you?”
“You know me, lil man. I work with your dad.”
He looked at me, “He knows my dad?”
“Yeah,” I replied as I rubbed the top of his head.
“Why don’t you let me take you out?” he asked as people walked around us.
“I’m busy.”
“Not right this minute—” he stopped speaking.
I laughed, “You don’t even remember my name.”
He snapped his fingers, “I know it.” He looked at Diego, “What’s her name?”
“Auntie J.”
“So, it starts with J.”
I laughed, “Good day, sir,” I replied before strutting away.
********
It was a beautiful day. We sat on the balcony enjoying the sun. We were wearing our two-piece bikinis with cover-ups and sipping on frozen drinks. She was saying something but my mind was gone. I stared at the beach where people walked, jogged, and played.
“So, what do you think?” she asked.
I looked into her questioning eyes. “Um sounds great.”
“Which part?”
“Um, sorry I –”
“Are you okay? You’ve been a little off lately.”
I stood, “Yeah. I have a lot on my mind. I’m taking some leave next weekend.”
“Will you be back before September 1st? I’m throwing a party for Diego and some of his friends when they get back.”
“I should be.”
“Going to South Carolina to see your parents?”
“Naw. I’m going to New Mexico.”
She smiled, “Trying to see if that old flame still burns?”
“Something like that.”
********
When nightfall arrived I was home alone sitting in my room looking at the flight I had just booked to New Mexico. My phone rang, and I jumped to answer it. It was my mother, “Hi sweetie.”
“Oh hi, Mom.”
“Um, that’s all I get?”
“Sorry. I’m in the middle of trying to pack.”
“Pack for what?”
“I’m going away next weekend.”
“On a military trip or what?”
I rolled my eyes, “It’s just to visit someone.”
“So, have you met anyone there yet?”
“I told you I met Rochelle and her son.”
“Girl, I’m talking about a man. You’re my only child. I’d like a few grandbabies. All my girlfriends post pictures on the Look Book and whatever and they keep asking me when is that girl of yours going to have a baby. When Jackie?”
I sighed and laughed all at once, “Mom. I’ll put an ad out and see if anyone wants to knock me up so you can have some pictures to post on the Look Book as you call it.”
“Girl, let me get off this phone with you. If I were there, I’d knock you upside your head.”
“I love you.”
“Yeah, whatever.”
I knew that would get her off the phone. I laughed and continued to pack.
Chapter 3
Wheels up. I was on my way. I wanted to surprise him. Tell him everything in person. I didn’t care about what people would think and that we could do it, and if people had something to say, “fuck’em.”
The flight wasn’t long. It gave me enough time to gather what I would say. I had the whole script with background actors, all planned out.
Exterior, Kelly’s apartment, day, Wilkes knocks on the door, it opens, and she peers into the sparkling green eyes of her one true love.
The neighbors stop and stare as she confesses the matters of her heart with tears rolling down her pretty brown cheeks. He moves closer, pulls her into his arms, and says, “I’ve been waiting for you.”
Or something like that. I took a deep breath as the announcement came over the speaker. We were landing. I felt the aircraft descend. I heard the landing gear drop from the doors, and then the tires hit the concrete runway. The sound was loud but my heart felt like it beat louder. We slowed and pulled to the gate. I was there. I was ready to claim what belonged to me.
******
After retrieving a rental car, I headed to my hotel room where I would stay for a few days. Then I spent an hour convincing myself to go to his apartment. I didn’t fly here to go home empty-handed. I took a few deep breaths and left.
I arrived at his apartment complex and parked, I saw the light on in the living room. I left my vehicle and walked to the door wearing a pretty red dress. Red was his favorite color. He would always compliment me when I wore red and steal looks. He didn’t even know that I wore red, especially for him.
I waited with my fist suspended inches from the door, and finally, it made contact. My heart beat fiercely in my chest. I could feel it in my ears. The door opened and he stared at me as if he saw an apparition, “Wilkes?”
I nodded, “Hey Kelly.”
He smiled, “What are you doing here?”
“Um, I was just visiting. Saying ‘hi’ to my old friends.”
He nodded, “Just one second, I’ll be right back.” He went inside, closed the door, and returned wearing a shirt and some green shorts, “Let’s go for a ride,” he said as he grabbed my hand. “Wow, I can’t believe you’re here. I haven’t heard from you since you left.”
“I know. I’ve been trying to get settled. Things have been crazy. So, what’s new?” I asked as I unlocked the car doors and we got inside the rental. We stopped at a place for dinner and chopped it up. It felt so good being in his presence again.
“I’ve missed you,” I admitted.
“Yeah, yeah,” he joked, “I’ve missed you too, sort of,” he chuckled.
“Do you want to come to my room?” I asked him. The last time I had sex was with him. It had been over two months and I craved him.
He nodded, “Sure.”
*******
Standing in front of him and kissing him felt right. He paused and touched my face, “I should go.”
“Why?”
He shrugged, “Jackie—”
I kissed his mouth. My hand glided down and I found him stiff, “You can’t go. Stay.”
He quickly removed my dress and moments later we were bare in the middle of the bed with him in my center filling me as I moaned loudly. The way he worked my center drove me to tears, “Jonathan, babe,” I said.
He looked down at me, “Yes?”
“I love you.”
“I love you too, Jackie.”
It was out there. We had said what he had kept secret for two years. It felt amazing holding him. It felt magical kissing him. All I had to do was find the right moment to tell the other secret.
I wanted the moment to be perfect. I still had two days to be with him I wanted to savor every minute before returning to Florida.
When morning arrived, we made love again and again before he had to leave. I kissed his mouth and pulled his shirt trying to convince him to stay for another round but he insisted that he had to leave and would return for dinner.
It was fine. I still had people I wanted to visit.
******
I called one of my old troops Senior Airman Liezel Torres. She was this beautiful half-African-American and half-Filipino young lady and happened to be the first troop I was ever assigned. We met at the base exchange, “Oh my God SSgt Wilkes, I can’t believe you are back.”
“Just for a few days.”
After exchanging hugs and pleasantries we ate and talked. She told me about a new guy she was dating. She showed me pictures of him. He was a handsome black man. She looked happy. She put her phone away, “Enough about me…what are you up to down in beautiful sunny Florida?”
“Still getting used to rain, rain, and more rain.”
She laughed, “Humidity. I haven’t experienced that since I left the Philippines with my parents. Dating anyone?”
I laughed, “No. I’m just—”
“Is that SSgt Jacqueline Wilkes?” his voice boomed with that unmistakable Southern accent.
I turned with a smile, “If it isn’t TSgt Tony Lewis,” I said as I stood to hug him. We used to spend a good amount of time teasing each other. He was from Georgia and I was from South Carolina. We often debated over which state had better peaches.
“Well, what brings ya back here?’
“Visiting old friends.”
“How long ya here for?”
“Two more days.”
“Nice. Did you see old Kelly yet? He’s having an engagement party at the enlisted club next week.”
My face scrunched, “Really?” I looked at Liezel, “Kelly’s getting married?”
She nodded, “Yeah, he started seeing his ex-girlfriend. The girl he dated before basic and tech school. They had broken up for a while then she just reappeared after you left.”
I nodded. That wasn’t in the script. She was not a character in our screenplay. I held myself together as best as I could. “It was nice seeing you, TSgt Lewis. I’ll stop by the shop before I leave Monday.”
“The guys will be happy to see ya, see ya later Wilkes.”
“Are you okay?” she asked sweetly.
I nodded rapidly, “Girl, I’m good.” I chuckled. The truth was I was devastated. I could hardly concentrate on anything she said after that. I finally made up an excuse to leave. I hugged her and left.
As I sat in my hotel room, I tried to fathom why. Then it made sense. He tried to leave and I didn’t let him. I felt so stupid. I shook my head. I touched my belly and cried. Why was life playing such a cruel trick on me, or was it simply the result of my foolish behavior?
I packed up my things. I had to leave. My cell phone sounded. I saw his number. I didn’t answer. He called again. I didn’t answer. He sent a message, “We need to talk.”
“No. It’s fine. I’m good. There’s nothing to explain,” I responded. There was no way I could look at him. I continued to pack. I could get a late flight back to Pensacola.
I heard a knock at my door. Reluctantly, I walked over and answered. I saw him standing there looking at me with sorrow, “Can I come in?” he asked.
I said nothing. I stepped aside. He walked in and I shut the door. We stared at each other.
“Liezel told me about what happened. I don’t know what to say, Wilkes.”
“It’s fine. Really,” I responded with my voice cracking.
“No. It’s not,” he said as he stepped closer to me. “I called you and I wrote you. You never responded. I thought you wanted to forget what happened between us. Act as if it didn’t happen. I never stopped thinking about that night.”
“Right and after only two months, you’re already engaged.”
“Don’t. She’s not some random chick. You know our history.”
“I do. And that’s why I’m surprised you’ve decided to marry her. I mean really.”
“She’s changed. Plus,” he shook his head, “I’m going to be a dad. She’s pregnant.”
I nodded, “That’s nice.” I put the last of my things into a carry-on bag, “I have to get ready to leave.”
“I thought you were staying for a few days.”
“I’m going back to Florida. I wish you all the best and I mean that too.” I opened my arms. He walked closer to me. I wrapped him tightly, “You’re one of the good ones. I hope she appreciates you.” I stepped back and touched his face.
“I meant what I said last night, I do love you.”
I nudge him, “I know Kelly. Now go to your fiancé. I’m fine.”
Slowly he walked to the door. It opened. And at that moment, I let the best thing I had ever known walk out of my life. I was shattered. I wanted to scream. My eyes filled with tears. I blew out a puff of air, found some tissue cleared my nose of the mucus, and later headed to the airport.
