I.
Jake Gnarley was dead. Since her lover’s passing, Ellen was despondent. So much so, that Ellen Easier Screw no longer fucked anyone.
It was December 16, the eve of the first day of Saturnalia. As Ellen walked the bustling streets of London, she was greeted merrily where e’re she strode.
A handsome young man flashed her. He wore not a stitch beneath his greatcoat, and his cock grew longer by the moment.
“A fuck, my good lady?” he asked brightly.
“Bah. Humbug!” said Ellen. Her only decent thought was to be happy that during Saturnalia children could not see people doing that.
“Well, a merry Saturnalia to you, then,” said the young man. Ellen only fumed.
When Ellen returned to her mansion, she saw Gnarley’s face in the door knocker.
“Gnarley! Your face has a dismal light about it, like a bad lobster in a dark cellar.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Beats me. I read it somewhere. Are you a Ghost?”
“Yeah. But Ellen, I bring you a warning! It’s Saturnalia eve. For your mortal genitalia’s sake, you’ve got to start fucking again,” said Gnarley.
“Bah! Humbug!” Ellen replied.
“Okay, pal. The Spirit of Saturnalia Present has a cold. So tonight you’ll be visited by two Spirits—the Spirits of Saturnalias Past and Future.
“Humbug,” said Ellen. And she went to bed.
II.
The first Spirit wanted to pass through a closed second-story window and fly into the open air.
“I am a mortal,” Screw remonstrated, “and liable to fall.”
“Bear but a touch of my hand there,” said the Spirit, laying its hand upon her crotch, “and you shall be upheld in more than this!”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Beats me. I read it somewhere.’’
They passed easily through the window flew to old Fuzzywig’s place, where Screw had worked decades ago. Every Saturnalia would include the annual company orgy; today was the day. The employees arrived. In came the housemaid with the baker. In came the cook with the milkman. In they all came. As the orgy began, away they all went, twenty couples at once; hands half round and back again; round and round in various stages of affectionate groping.
How Ellen loved the old orgies! She began to cry.
“What is the matter?” asked the Spirit.
“Nothing,” said Screw. “There was a young man singing a Saturnalia song at my door last night. I should like to have given him something, a blowjob, maybe: that’s all.”
III.
They flew into the future. A figure lie alone in a bed in a darkened room.
“Spirit, is that me?” Ellen asked. The Spirit of Saturnalia Future made an incomprehensible honking sound.
“Hello?” Ellen asked. She got the same sound.
“Cut it out, dammit! I can’t understand you!”
The Spirit started pointing to the figure in the bed, then to Ellen, then to the ceiling, then every which way.
“Fuck you, Charlie.”
“How did you know my name is Charlie?”
“Lucky guess. So what the hell is going on here?”
“If you do not enter into the Spirit of Saturnalia, you will end up in bed, alone, masturbating.”
“That’s horrible! Terrible! Spirit, I do not want to masturbate alone. I want somebody to do me. Oh, great Spirit, what can I do?”
“Find somebody, anybody, and fuck them silly.”
“Well, Gnarley is dead as a doornail. He was great in the sack, but he’s gone. I’ve gotta find somebody else.” She folded her arms, looked at Charlie the Spirit, and smiled wickedly. “Any suggestions?” she purred.
“Hey, sweetie, I’m a ghost.” But the front of his gown began to bulge.
“I’ve never made it with a ghost. Let’s see what you’ve got.”
The Spirit of Saturnalia Future raised his gown. There was nothing underneath except for one glorious cock, together with two sizable balls, hanging in mid-air.
“Well, that’s strange, but it’ll do.” Ellen told him to sit on the edge of the bed. The figure in the bed gave her a thumbs-up and vanished.
“Now, Mr. Future, give me all you’ve got.” Ellen knelt between his legs and kissed the tip of his cock.
IV.
Ellen awoke with a smile still on her face. Not only was it the first day of Saturnalia, but she celebrated it in style by one royal fucking.
She turned to the Spirit of Saturnalia Future in order to give him a big kiss and say thank you. She discovered that she was lying next to a woman.
“That was very nice, sweetheart,” said the woman.
“Last night I could’ve sworn that you were a guy.”
“Yes, that was me. It’s Saturnalia, dearie. The world turns upside down, and I do mean the whole wide wonderful world. Now lie back and spread your legs. Mama’s going to spoil you.”
When the Spirit had finished Ellen, it vanished. Ellen arose and walked to the balcony. She flashed her spectacular body to the shoppers and passersby on the street below. Everyone cheered and flashed back.
Ellen heard the bedroom door open and close behind her. She turned. It was her lover, Jake Gnarley!
“Jake! I thought you were dead as a doornail!”
“It’s Saturnalia, sweetheart. The world turns upside down, and it turns out that this includes us dead types. They asked me what I wanted. I said that I wanted to be alive, with you. And here I am!”
Ellen ran to Jake and kissed him.
“Kisses are nice,” she whispered in his ear, “but take off all your clothes.”
When they finished, they held hands and walked to the balcony.
Ellen looked at Jake. “On three, let us flash together that whole wide wonderful world! One, two, threeee!”
And what do you know, all of London lie before them, and further, all of Great Britain, and Europe, and beyond. And all the world flashed back.
“How wonderful is this holiday!” said Ellen. Then they shouted together, “A merry Saturnalia to one and all!”