Sally was heartbroken, and she suddenly hated the job she had as a mystery shopper.
Sally had been asked to write a review of the phone-based ordering system and had used the opportunity to enjoy getting something that would add to the collection she had built up as a hobby. Serious nerds would have had this in their stash for years, but Sally hadn’t. When she’d seen the unused and boxed item advertised, she had ordered it immediately.
Sally looked at the package. It seemed oddly shaped, considering what she had ordered. Reading the delivery note explained everything.
‘A ramp and habit,’ the note said.
“What use is a slope for a hamster to get into its cage and a nun’s outfit to me?” Sally said, sobbing.
Sally had been looking forward to adding an unused example of the iconic vibrator, the rampant rabbit, to her collection. It was Christmas morning, and she was in floods of tears.
Santa’s elves always put contact details for their customer service team on the delivery notes they bashed out for the boss. Sally saw the email address and phone number on hers but doubted either would be useful. It was Christmas Day, so Sally felt sure Santa wouldn’t be interested in answering queries; she thought he’d be knackered and knocking back the sherry. She was wrong.
“What a fucking nightmare, love,” Santa said as he heard Sally come to the end of her sorry tale.
Sally was surprised to hear Santa say he would personally deal with her complaint and ensure she was a satisfied customer once everything had been sorted out.
Santa was a big softie when it was damsels in distress, well, except for his knob, which was anything but soft. The reindeer were having a piss-up, so he grabbed an elf instead once he’d nipped into the storeroom and got what he needed from it.
The elf gave Santa a piggyback as they flew through the sky to Sally’s house. Turbulence meant the elf got quite a few rogerings from Santa on the journey, but she didn’t complain, and neither did the red-suited Romeo.
“Bugger me, what a ride!” the elf shouted as Santa rode her through the sky.
“I don’t mind if I do,” Santa replied, and he did… again.
When Santa and the elf arrived with her vibe, Sally was overjoyed, and she offered them a cup of tea. They declined the kind offer, deciding to give Sally something to dream about when letting the new rabbit have a run around her garden instead.
“I’m in a Christmas sandwich; how cool is that?” Sally shouted in climax as Santa, the elf, and her new pet rabbit gave her a cream slice and fruits of the forest delight.
In the interests of customer satisfaction, Santa stayed around to make sure Sally’s Christmas gift was in full working order. It certainly was, although when the elf tried to take off and leave with Santa on his back, she had to abort due to a sticky runway. A second attempt was more successful, and Sally waved her visitors off with the hand that wasn’t firing up her retro toy again.
Sally’s review of the phone ordering system did not mention nuns or sloping pet steps. Instead, it focused on the delivery of something special. In this regard, the five-star rating and praise were well deserved, and everyone was very satisfied.
