The weariness also made me weak and walking on crutches became ever more difficult until, one morning, I got out of bed and as I hobbled towards the door, my arms gave way and I toppled forwards and fell into the hallway beyond..
I lay there and sobbed from pure frustration, thumping the floor in anger.
Within moments, Dominique had appeared and knelt beside me.
“Karen! Are you all right?” she asked me, the concern clearly etched upon her young face.
“No, Dammit! Do I look as though I am all right?” I shouted at her between sobs.
She didn’t move but remained at my side.
“Karen, please…” she said, sadly.
I looked up at her and felt so ashamed that I had shouted at her.
“Oh, Dominique! I am so sorry, please forgive me, I am so tired. I just want all this to be over.”
“It’s all right,” she smiled down at me, her eyes glistening as she held back a tear, “I understand. Maman said it would be like this sometimes.”
She moved towards me so I could rest my head on her lap and she stroked my hair gently.
“I am here for you,” she said quietly, soothing, “We all are.”
“I know you are and I do appreciate your help so much, even though sometimes it doesn’t seem so.”
I rested for a moment and then, slowly, Dominique helped me back to my feet.
My wound was healing nicely but it still hurt somewhat when any strain was placed upon it.
Later, as we sat around the breakfast table, Françoise said, “ Dominique told me about your fall, this morning.”
She didn’t seem to imply anything, just concern that I had fallen.
“And did she tell you how horrid I was to her?” I replied, glancing sideways at Dominique.”
“No, why would she?” she frowned.
“Because I shouted at her when she came to my aid and she didn’t deserve it. None of you do. I am beginning to behave the way my father did and I don’t want to be like that.”
I began to get upset. The weariness and fear of what I was becoming had started to grind away at my health.
Françoise stood and walked around to my side of the table to put her arm around my shoulders and comfort me.
“Karen, it’s all right,” she said, gently soothing away my tears along with my fears. “We all understand what you are going through. What happened to you is difficult enough but it seems worse because of your lack of sleep.”
“I don’t know what to do,” I sobbed, “Every night I lie awake and when I cannot keep my eyes open any longer, the dreams start again. I need sleep, Françoise…” I looked up at her with moist eyes and tear streaked cheeks, “I am so tired, I can’t take much more.”
“I know, Karen,” she smiled sadly. “We have been talking, the girls and I and Dominique has made a suggestion. How do you feel about her sleeping in your room with you for a couple of nights? We thought that maybe having someone close to you would help calm you and if you can get a few hours good sleep then maybe you will feel better, even if just a little.”
I stared at her and then across to Pascale and, finally, to Dominique. Each of them smiled as I looked across.
“Oh, I, erm, well, I,er… I don’t know. Do you think it would help me?”
“I don’t know,” she replied, “We wonder if having someone nearby may help you to relax a little and maybe that, in turn, could help you sleep more peacefully.”
Once again, tears began to well in my eyes.
“What did I do to deserve such love from you all?”
“In all honesty, it was Doctor Harlow who suggested it,” she admitted,“He sees it as a last resort before having to prescribe sleeping pills which neither he, nor I, really want to do. Dominique volunteered herself.”
“But nevertheless,” I insisted, “You are still willing to give up you own beds to help me and that means such a lot to me.”
“It is agreed then?” Françoise looked at her girls and then at me as she spoke. We all nodded.
Later that day, whilst she was at work I decided it was time to try and walk without my crutches. I knew it would be painful but, after my fall that morning I felt that it was time to stand on my own two feet.
I told Pascale what I planned, whilst she was hanging out the washing on the line in the garden. She was the only one at home as Dominique had gone to visit a friend.
“Karen, won’t you wait until Maman gets home?” she pressed.
“I would rather not,” I told her. “She has enough to do. I will be fine, I just need to hold you for balance at first until I can be sure that my injury can take the strain all right.”
“All right then, are you ready now?” she asked.
I nodded and she held out her hand to me.
First, I leaned my crutches against the verandah whilst keeping all my weight on my good leg and then, taking her hand, tentatively shifted my weight so that I was standing equally on both legs.
So far, there was no pain to speak of. I could feel the pulling sensation across the wound and it did hurt a little but it was less than I expected and so, I took a step towards her.
As I lifted the good leg first and the weight shifted onto my injured leg, the wound began to throb but, again, no more than I expected.
I gritted my teeth and took another step, then another as Pascale moved backwards with each one.
“How does it feel?” she asked, a little worry showing in her eyes.
“Yes, good,” I nodded, “Better than I expected but…”
“But what?” she frowned.
“It is still quite painful but bearable,” I replied.
“Then I think that is enough of now, young lady!” she said, faking a stern, matronly look which reminded me so much of her mother.
I laughed lightly. That tiny pastiche had raised my spirits phenomenally and I saw her smile too.
“It is so good to hear you laugh, Karen,” her face looking a mixture of pleasure and sadness. “I hope we hear it again soon.”
I put my arms around her and held her tightly for a moment.
“If I stay here much longer I think you may hear much more of it,” I assured her, “This is such a wonderful hospital with the best nurses imaginable, Pascale.” I looked into her pretty, young eyes before saying, “Thank you.”
“You are welcome, Karen but there is really no need to thank us. You are like a part of our family, especially now that…” she stopped suddenly.
“Now that, what?” I asked, curiously. Was she about to say something she should not? Something I was not supposed to know?
“Oh, nothing,” she said. “Doesn’t matter.”
“Pascale… You were going to say something. Is something wrong?” I pressed her.
“Oh no, not at all!” she exclaimed, then, “Oh, I almost forgot! Your father is coming to visit for the weekend!”
“Lovely. It will be nice to see him again!” I was so pleased at this news I completely forgot about what it was she was actually going to say.
“Are you all right while I get your crutches?” she asked, holding my arms.
“Oh, Crikey, I forgot about those!” I laughed again. “No, I will get them.”
With her assistance I walked slowly, and almost unaided, back to the verandah but, instead of taking up my crutches, I kept going until I reached the wicker chair which was positioned to look out over the pretty garden and carefully lowered myself into it with a sigh as the weight was released from my injured leg.
I closed my eyes for a minute, feeling the warm sun on my face and let out a long, slow breath.
“Are you all right, Karen?” Pascale’s voice broke through the moment and, without opening my eyes, I smiled and nodded, peaceful, just for a minute.
“Mmm, yes thank you, I am.”
“Would you like some coffee?” she asked.
“Oh yes please, that would be lovely, thank you.”
After a few minutes there was a crash and I was thrown forcibly forwards in my chair but I seemed to be held quite securely across my waist so I didn’t actually fall from it!
“Karen, Karen, are you all right?”
I heard the voice calling from afar and slowly, it became louder, clearer.
I opened my eyes and quickly closed them again as the sun burned into them.
“I fell asleep didn’t I!” I stated, rather than asked, through tightly clenched lids.
“Yes,” Pascale replied sadly, “I heard you cry out.”
I covered my face completely with my hands and groaned audibly.
“I can’t even have an afternoon nap without being haunted by…” I couldn’t bring myself to say what, “I can’t take much more, I have to sleep!”
Pascale placed her hand upon my shoulder.
“I can’t begin to imagine how it is for you,” she said calmly, “But I… we, will do whatever we can to help you.”
I put my hand upon hers.
“I know,” I whispered, giving a gentle squeeze of appreciation.
My eyes felt like they were full of grit and I pressed my fingers against them. They seemed to be on fire!
“How is your leg?” I could tell it was her attempt to take my mind away from my thoughts but, nonetheless, it was a welcome distraction.
“Pretty good!” I smiled up at her. “Not as much pain as I expected so I think it must be healing nicely but now I have taken the weight off it, it is throbbing.”
“Well, that is something then,” her face brightened as she spoke. “I shall tell Maman when she gets home.”
“Do you have to?” I winced as I replied, “I am not supposed to be walking on it yet.”
“I know!” she laughed, “That is why I will tell her, so she can check and make sure all is well.”
“Oh, all right then,” I pouted playfully, “I know when I am beaten.”
She squeezed my shoulder once more then turned away, saying, “I will get your coffee, I left it on the kitchen table.”
As she turned I playfully took a swipe at her pert bottom but, as she was wearing those tight slacks again, it made a resounding slap!
She stopped dead and turned to me, raising an eyebrow as she did, then smiled but in a way that I wasn’t sure if there was something other than indignation. Still smiling she turned away again and disappeared through the doorway back into the house.
We didn’t eat until Françoise got home, about seven-thirty. Pascale said nothing about me trying to walk until after the delicious meal she and Dominique had prepared.
Between them they cleared away the dishes and washed them then, when all was done, we prepared to retire to the living room for the remainder of the evening. I reached for my crutches and as I did so, Pascale suddenly spoke up.
“Maman, before we move, could you check Karen’s dressings and wound please?”
Françoise frowned.
“Why? I only checked them yesterday.”
She looked at me and shrugged.
“She tried to walk without her crutches today.”
She mouthed the word ‘sorry’ to me as she spoke.
I gave a wry smile and sighed as her mother glared at me.
“Karen!” She sounded quite annoyed. “All right,” she sighed and looked at her eldest daughter. “Pass me a chair then.”
Pascale placed a chair in front of me and then carefully lifted my leg and rested my foot upon it.
I pulled up my dress to give Françoise access to the dressing.
With great care, she removed the safety pin and unwrapped the bandage, rolling it up as she went then, once it was free, removed the flat gauze pad.
“Hmm,” she said, examining the vivid red wound carefully. “It is good. You must be so careful not to rush your recovery, young Lady. I am sure that Doctor Rousseau explained to you that such a deep wound heals from the bottom of the laceration. It is very important that you do not tear open the outer flesh before it is fully knitted.”
“Yes, he did,” I replied somewhat sheepishly. “I just needed to do something. Having to use crutches all the time is driving me insane.”
“I do understand, Karen, but if you do any harm by being impatient, you will be on them even longer.”
For a moment she looked at me, making me feel a little abashed at being so foolhardy, then smiled. “Be patient, Ma Cherie, there is no hurry.”
Throughout all this I noticed that Dominique had been unusually quiet. She was usually so keen to watch when her mother dressed my wound but this time she just sat at the table as though distant.
“Are you all right, Dominique?” I asked her, “You seem a little preoccupied tonight.”
“I am okay,” she replied. “It is just that my friend asked me if I would stay with her tonight as her parents are away until tomorrow but I promised I would stay with you.”
“Oh, no, you can’t do that, I will be fine,” I protested and before I could say anything else her sister joined in.
“Silly girl!” she admonished, “I am not doing anything tonight, I will stay with Karen. You see your friend.”
Dominique looked at me, almost apologetically.
“Are you sure you don’t mind?” she asked, “It is all right, I don’t mind, I don’t have to go.”
I smiled, my heart fluttering a little at this selfless act from one so young.
“No, of course I don’t mind. You go and have a good time with your friend.”
Dominique looked for approval to her mother who nodded and smiled at her then jumped up, ran around to me and gave me a hug and then the same to her sister and, finally, her mother.
Then she was gone.
“She is a good girl,” I said to Françoise.
“They both are,” was the simple reply.
“Pascale tells me my dad is coming at the weekend.”
“Yes, he is,” she replied. “He is staying for a few days.”
“What, here?” I didn’t like to ask but it just seemed to slip out.
“Yes, we have plenty of room,” she confirmed, “Is that all right?”
“Yes, of course,” I said, “I just don’t want you to feel that we are taking over your home. You have done so much for me already.”
Françoise looked directly at me and, for a moment, became serious.
“Since Danny was killed we have had very little company, the girls and I.” She paused as she looked at her daughter. “It is a pleasure to have someone in the house again, isn’t it Pascale?”
As she said the last few words I wondered if she had just said them to make me feel better but when I saw her daughter’s expression I knew she was telling the truth as the reply came back.
“Yes, Maman, it is and Karen is so nice how could it not be a pleasure.”
I blushed what must have been crimson red. For the first time since my mother had passed away I had found a family who made me feel so much at home and wanted.
“I thought, also,” Françoise continued, “that it would be a good opportunity to for you and your father to get close again. He has told me about the man he was, about the violence and drinking. He desperately wants to try to make it up to you.”
A cloud descended upon me.
“He cannot make up for my lost childhood. Those times are past and can’t ever be retrieved,” I whispered sadly, “I do know why he was like that though and I am happy that I have him again, in the way my mother talked about him.” I paused. “She never gave up on him you know. After he left she never once looked at another man. I suppose she always hoped he would return, one day, to the man he was when she met him.”
“I think that is how he possibly is now,” she smiled gently at me, “Now that the demons have finally departed. He told me that he will do all he can to save you from those very same demons.”
I nodded wearily and let out a big sigh as Pascale put her hand on my shoulder.
“I don’t think that there is anyone I would trust more to help me than you and he.”
Although it was still light outside and the sun was only just beginning to fade, we all decided that it was time to sleep. Françoise had an early start and I just needed to rest, sleep would be both welcome and frightening but somehow, it had to come or I would go out of my mind!
I bid goodnight to Françoise in the continental way, a kiss to each cheek and followed Pascale into my room. She had set a very comfortable looking armchair near to my bed and she went over to the window after switching on the light and began to close the big wooden shutters, blocking out the beautiful sunset.
“Wait a moment,” I said, hobbling to her side, “It is such a shame to shut out such a beautiful view.”
“Yes, you are quite right,” she replied and together we stood, for a moment, looking silently out of the window. I felt her hand slip around my waist and I turned to her and smiled. She lay her head upon my shoulder and sighed.
After a short while she stepped aside.
“Come on,” she said, “You shouldn’t stand still for too long.”
She finished closing the shutters and we prepared ourselves for bed, or, at least, I did. I watched her as she pulled her nightdress over her head and began to undress beneath it..
As she slipped of her slacks she suddenly paused and sat in the armchair.
“May I tell you something, Karen?” she said slowly, “Something you mustn’t tell anyone else?”
“Of course you can, Pascale,” I assured her. “Is it something important?”
“No, not important but a little embarrassing…”
I was curious now and promised her faithfully that whatever it was, her secret was safe.
“It is about earlier today, when you smacked my bottom.”
I could almost see her face glowing in the dim light of the electric lamp.
“Oh, yes, sorry about that. It was supposed to be a playful tap but I suppose it was a little harder than I intended.”
“Oh, I know. It is not that, though,” she seemed almost afraid to speak her mind.
“Then what?” I gently encouraged her and she looked at the floor.
“I liked it…”
“You did?” My eyes opened wide. I had never heard of anyone enjoying being smacked before.
“Yes,” she whispered. “It was unexpected and made me jump but, once the sting faded it became like a heat, spreading across my bottom and through to…”
She stopped, words trailing away as though she had decided that she had said enough.
“Through to where, Pascale?” I was fascinated.
“Karen! Don’t you get it yet? I got aroused by it!”
“Ah… Oh! I see!” The penny dropped like a lead weight. Suddenly, I too was blushing and had no idea what to say.
To be continued…
