I must have had a rough night, lying in an odd position perhaps, as my leg was a little painful. Not where I had injured it but further down, below my knee and my hip ached.
I realised that the room light was still on and that there was darkness at the little cut-out in the shutter.
I decided that the dream must have disturbed me and woken me very early so I went to get up to switch off the light but there was something holding me down, something heavy upon me.
Looking down I saw a familiar figure draped across my chest.
“Pascale?” I said gently and, as she stirred, I repeated, “Pascale, what are you doing?”
She suddenly sat bolt upright on the chair she had placed beside the bed.
“ Karen! You’re okay! Thank goodness, I was so frightened!”
“Frightened?” I queried her last word, “But why? I have had bad dreams before and you have looked after me.”
She didn’t answer but stared fearfully at me.
“Why is the light still on and why am I… dressed?” My words trailed away as the awful truth dawned on me. “It wasn’t a dream, was it?” I whispered slowly.
With a tear forming at the corners of her beautiful dark blue eyes, she shook her head slowly.
“Then how…? I mean, what…? I mean… Oh, damn it, I don’t know what I mean!”
I allowed my head to flop back into the large soft pillow and lay silently as Pascale returned her head to where I had first found it, upon my chest and I gently caressed her sleek red hair. I felt her hand snake across my stomach and she held me in a firm embrace.
At that moment, the door creaked slowly open and I heard a familiar voice, a voice I had not heard for so long.
“Hey, Kiddo!”
“Doctor Harlow!” I exclaimed, “What are you doing here?”
“Well now, there’s a friendly welcome!” he laughed. “I came to say goodbye to you before you left tomorrow and it seems it is just as well I did. How are you feeling?”
Pascale jumped up and I swung my legs over the side, assuming a sitting position on the side of the bed.
“Absolutely awful,” I answered him truthfully. “What the hell have I done? My dad must be heartbroken and Françoise and the girls, what must they think? That was a horrible thing I did to them.”
“Hey! Hey! Now that’s enough young lady. You were not in control of your senses.”
I sighed as he admonished me, even though he spoke with great care and compassion.
“What happened to me, Doctor? I know my dad is better now but I am behaving just as he did. I surely don’t believe he would hurt Françoise, or her children, do I?”
By this time, Pascale had vacated the chair so that Doctor Harlow could sit and talk with me.
“I will leave you alone,” she said, sadly, as she sidled towards the door.
“No, wait, don’t go,” I stopped her. “Please, sit here with me. I have nothing to tell Doctor Harlow that I couldn’t tell you so please, stay?” I patted the bed and she smiled as she returned and sat beside me on the large mattress.
At the same time, the doctor turned the chair around and, as was his usual fashion, sat backwards upon it, resting his arms on what was supposed to be the chair backrest.
“What time is it?” I asked neither in particular, although it was Pascale who answered immediately.
“Twenty past ten,” she said quickly. “You have been asleep for almost two hours. When Doctor Harlow’s car hit you I thought you were…” her voice trailed away to nothing.
I looked at the doctor and frowned.
“You hit me?” I said in astonishment, “When? How? I don’t remember that at all!”
Pascale opened her mouth as she began to tell me but Doctor Harlow raised a finger and stopped her in her tracks. She closed her mouth instantly.
“What do you remember, Karen?” he said.
“Not much really, Doctor,” I began. “When I awoke I thought I had had a bad dream but it seems that was not the case.”
“No, I’m afraid it wasn’t. You had what is known as an ‘Episode’.”
“An episode?” I repeated. “What do you mean, an episode?”
“Tell me what you remember and then I will explain,” he countered.
I thought carefully, trying to remember the events of just two short hours ago. To me it seemed so much longer.
“I vaguely remember thinking that my Dad was going to hit me for some reason although I don’t know why. He raised his hand to strike me and I ran.”
Again I thought hard. Doctor Harlow was listening carefully and Pascale was watching my every move and expression with an intensity that made me feel as though she could see right inside my head. Again she opened her mouth to speak, maybe to explain something but, again, Doctor Harlow prevented her by raising his finger but without ever taking his eyes off mine.
Silence reigned and I could hear the blood hissing in my ears.
“It must have been a dream!” I stated, at last, “It must have! I saw Harry Simmonds and Fred, my old supervisor. I heard… and saw, the bombs and felt the explosion. In my dream I was knocked to the ground! How could it not…” Suddenly, it dawned on me. “My mind is playing tricks isn’t?” I asked slowly. “It wasn’t a bomb at all, was it? It was your car that knocked me down…”
My voice trailed off into silence as the awful truth dawned on me. I had lost my mind!
I could feel my heart beating inside of me and I was frightened.
“I’m crazy aren’t I?” I whispered, “I’m a head case, a lunatic…”
“Hey now, Honey. You are not crazy! Don’t think that. Your mind is a little damaged, I agree but you most certainly are not mad. You have had to deal with an inordinate amount of stress throughout your life, much of it alone. The plane crash was the last straw. Imagine being constantly poked, you would put up with it so long but, eventually, you would snap and shout out. This is effectively, what your brain has done. Your recovery will take time. What you learned about your dad and Françoise today was a little like poking a bruise. It hurt more than it normally would because you are not yet fully healed but don’t worry, Sweetie, you will mend.”
I listened to every word he said, wanting to believe him but it was so difficult. I used to be so controlled but now, the slightest thing could trigger a, what did he call it, an episode?
I sighed unconsciously and Pascale reached out and placed her hand upon my thigh.
“You know we are always going to help you, Karen, don’t you.”
I smiled and nodded then put my arm around her, holding her close to me.
“I think I should go and see the others and apologise,” I said quietly, “Only I have no idea what to say to them.”
“I think you will find that they understand, Karen,” the doctor replied, “But yes, they ware worried for you.”
I stood up and winced as a pain shot up the side of my leg.
“Oww… I feel like I was hit by a lorry!”
“Well, you were, almost!” Pascale laughed and my heart soared to see her smile once more.
“I think you will have one hell of a bruise,” Doctor Harlow added.
I found it a little painful to walk the few steps from my room across to the sitting room but the adrenaline my heart was circulating made it almost unnoticeable.
I stopped at the door and looked at the ornate porcelain knob then slowly placed my hand upon it.
“Don’t worry, Karen,” I heard Pascale’s reassuring words, “They won’t be angry.”
I didn’t answer but slowly turned the knob until the door was released and I pushed gently. The door swung easily inwards.
“Hey, here she is!” My dad was the first to speak, his smile as wide as the ocean. “How do you feel, Sweetheart?”
All three were on there feet now and walking towards me, my dad had his arms outstretched and I ran to him and threw my arms around his waist.
“I’m so sorry, Dad, so terribly sorry that I hurt you and you too, Françoise, and Dominique, I was so, so selfish…”
“No, Sweetheart,” he replied with a soft voice, cracking with emotion, “Doctor Harlow has explained it to us, it wasn’t your fault, you are sick, just as I was. If anyone needs to apologise it should be me. It is entirely my fault that this has happened to you.”
“Come and sit down, Karen, you look tired,” Françoise indicated the big armchair, “and please don’t fret. We will not give up on you, however bad you may think things are.”
I sat and looked at them.
“I truly am sorry, though,” I repeated. “I am happy you two have become close, I really am.”
Françoise sat in the sofa to my left alongside my dad.
“We are not going to rush anything, Karen. Your health comes first.”
I waited for a moment but I had to know what I had done.
“So what happened to me?” I asked no-one in particular, “I don’t remember but Doctor Harlow says he knocked me down. I can’t recall anything but memories flashing through my mind.”
“Dominique was the one who answered.
“When Maman and your father told us that they were thinking of being together,” she explained, “you seemed to withdraw into yourself for a while. I think you had a panic attack, breathing very quickly as gasping for breath.”
“Well, yes, I remember all that,” I interrupted her, “I thought I got over that. I remember drinking water and calming down but I don’t remember what happened after.
“When I reached out to brush the hair from your face you suddenly changed.” My father took up the story. “You seemed to think I was going to hit you and you said you would kill me if I harmed anyone. You pushed me away and ran outside. You were waving your arms about as if trying to push past people who were not there and you ran out into the road just as Doctor Harlow arrived. Fortunately, he was almost stopped when you ran into the front of his car. You frightened us half to death, Sweetheart.”
“Frightened you!” Doctor Harlow cut in, “How do you think I felt?”
“Oh, please don’t make me feel any worse than I already do,” I pleaded.
“I’m sorry, Honey, just kidding around,” he apologised, “But we do need to consider where we go from here. The matron here will telegram your airline first thing tomorrow and postpone your departure until we decide what to do.”
“No! You can’t do that!” I blurted out. “Staying here would be wonderful but I can’t. I have to go home and try to get back to normal.”
There was a deafening silence in the moment before I continued.
“Please don’t think I am not grateful, I truly am, more than I can ever explain. I owe you my life, no, more than that, I owe you my sanity, what little there is of it.”
Françoise and Doctor Harlow looked at each other as if speaking without words, a kind of understanding which made me feel that they were silently discussing me.
I continued.
“You can’t do any more for me now. You have looked after me and loved me,” I cast a quick glance at Pascale, “in a way that only true friends could. You have ensured my safety and recovery far more than any hospital could… Sorry Doctor,” I added, to avoid hurt feelings, “But now, I have to return to the real world. I don’t know if I can go back to my life as it was, in fact, I know I can’t but I must go home and find a way forwards, as far as I am able, alone.”
I looked around the room at those five faces listening carefully to my every word.
“You do understand, don’t you?” I asked them.
Still, there was silence until it was broken by Doctor Harlow. He sighed deeply.
“Well, Karen, I guess you know what you are doing. You are right though. Your physical injuries are healed… and the bruises will be soon too,” he added, raising an eyebrow and smiling slightly, “So, sure, maybe now is the time to try to live again.”
The others all nodded their agreement.
“I’ll be okay,” I assured them. “I know you are here for me and I will return when I can…” I paused, “If you want me to, of course. I have brought you a lot of trouble.”
Both Pascale and Dominique protested in unison.
“Of course we want you back, You are like our sister now!”
I noticed a furtive glance and a smile exchanged between my dad and Françoise.
“It seems to me,” I said with a smile, “That maybe, I actually will be your sister someday.”
“Well let’s not jump too far ahead, young lady,” my dad said with a smile but I could see that he, at least, saw this as a possibility.
We sat and chatted for a while, about the following day and my journey home and, eventually, Doctor Harlow stood up.
“Well,” he said, covering his mouth as he yawned, “I had better get off. I will see you bright and early tomorrow.”
“You are coming to the airport?” I asked, hoping for an affirmative reply.
“Sure, why not?” He smiled then as to he was coming just to see me off but, inside, I knew he was concerned for me.
After he left we all said goodnight and departed for our own beds and, as I headed towards mine, Pascale seemed to hang back a little, plumping up the cushions on the sofa and armchairs.
Françoise and Dominique both headed up the stairs and, as I went to step into the hallway towards my own room, Pascale spoke:
“Karen…”
I stopped and turned to face her.
She seemed to hesitate, as if unsure of what to say next. I waited patiently.
“Karen, I…” She hung her head as though she were embarrassed our afraid to ask something.
I smiled but didn’t speak, allowing her time to compose herself. “May I ask a favour?” she said finally.
“Of course you can, anything,” I replied.
“May I sleep in your room tonight? I promise I won’t be a nuisance, just to sleep, please…?”
I looked at her faced etched with anxiety and glowing as red as her wonderful hair.
“Oh, Pascale, of course you can.”
I stepped towards her and put my arms around her, holding her tightly.
She had returned to sleeping in her own room some weeks previously, when I had begun to sleep better, so that I would not become reliant on having someone there.
As this was my last night I couldn’t refuse her and, to be honest, I wanted her company.
She followed me from the room, switching off the light and closing the door behind us. As it clicked shut I wondered when I would next pass through it.
Pascale went into the kitchen to change into her night clothes. I didn’t stop her. I knew she wanted to be certain not to pressure me into anything I was not comfortable with.
A few minutes later, a gentle tap on the door.
“Come in, Sweetheart, I’m decent,” I called just loudly enough for her to hear.
The door opened and, to my surprise, Françoise entered.
She closed the door behind her.
“I just wanted to speak to you before tomorrow. I may not get the chance otherwise,” she said, sitting on the chair by the bed.
“Oh, erm, yes, okay,” I replied , glancing at the door.
“Don’t worry,” she replied, seeing my glance. “I saw Pascale. She will wait a few minutes.”
“She wanted to stay with me tonight,” I said and instantly felt guilty as though I were betraying a confidence. “On the chair!” I added quickly, hoping not to cause any anxiety.
“I know, at least, I gathered she would want to be with you.” She smiled, thoughtfully. “It’s alright, Karen, I trust you both, you know that and besides, you are both adults.”
“You mean, you wouldn’t mind if we…?”
Françoise reached out and took my hand.
“I know about your feelings, Karen, and I also know about Pascale. You are both in the same position but for different reasons. You have suffered so much in your life and you have been offered an alternative that you are unsure of. By the same reasoning, Pascale has the same thoughts but has not yet had the experiences from which she can make a decision. When I say I trust you, I mean that I trust you not to break her heart. I know you will treat her with the utmost respect. What more could a mother wish for?”
I squeezed her hand warmly.
“You are an extraordinary woman, Françoise. You are truly an angel.”
“An angel, Karen? No. I am just a mother looking out for her children.”
I gazed at her and she held that gaze steadily.
“Do you remember, all those weeks ago, when you were in the hospital. I told you that some day, I may tell you a secret?”
I nodded.
“Are you ready to tell me now?”
“ When I was young, like my girls, I was a little, how you say, promiscuous.”
“Really?” I said with a slightly surprised tone, “I do remember you said something about you and Danny.”
“Oh, long before Danny,” she said. “I discovered sex at a young age and I loved it. In those days, even more than now, sex was a very private thing between a man and his wife so I had to be very careful but I had a special friend who also loved the pleasures that sex alone could bring.”
“Ah, I see.” The penny was beginning to drop. “So you and he would…?”
“She and I would, yes.”
“She!” I exclaimed, “You and she?”
Françoise smiled.
“So you see, Karen, I do understand your feelings.”
“I, I don’t really know what to say, Françoise.”
“Don’t say anything, Karen. When I met Danny, I fell in love with him and my old ways were gone forever. He was the love of my life. Oh, don’t get me wrong,” she added, seeing my expression, “He was as bad as me but once we met we found that we could have just as much fun together, more even.” She paused for a moment, “What I am trying to say is, your heart knows when someone is right for you, man or woman. Listen to it.”
Suddenly, I understood. All this time I had been afraid of what I felt, afraid of going against convention. I had listened and now, maybe, I could be free to choose.
“So,” the word seemed to drag on, “My Father. Do you love him?”
Well,” she thought for a moment, “He knows that he cannot replace Danny but, yes, maybe I do.”
We sat there, face to face, each of us lost for a moment in our own thoughts, until:
“Françoise, You do understand that it was the shock that sent me crazy, don’t you. I am happy that you have found love again. I know that you cannot replace my mum but there is no-one I would be happier to stand in for her.”
Without another word being spoken we both stood and embraced and then, to my utter surprise, she took my chin and kissed me gently on the lips.
I responded only by returning the contact, knowing it to be a seal of friendship or, maybe, just a little more.
She turned to leave and, as she put her hand on the doorknob, she turned back and smiled.
“You will never be alone again, Karen, for as long as we have breath in our lungs.”
A few moments later, Pascale returned.
“Are you all right?” she asked.
“Yes,” I smiled, “I think I am.”
She began to draw some blankets across the chair but I put my hand on her arm and stopped her.
“You don’t need to sleep there,” I said gently.
“You mean…?
I looked at the bed then back to her eager face and nodded.
“I think your mum will understand.”
To be continued…
