Standing in the spare room, where Barry should have been, Diane read the note again.
Sorry about yesterday. Sorry to spoil your fun. I have a lot on at work and some issues we need to talk about. I’ll phone you from the hotel.
B
She held the note in her hand for a minute, reading the few words again and again, turning it over, examining the blank reverse side and finally simply staring at it; mesmerized in disbelief. She sat down on the bed. As she made contact with the bed she grimaced slightly; shuffling a little until the discomfort from last night’s excesses was minimised.
Did that mean he’d left? Had she lost him? His language is always very precise, she thought. It’s the lawyer in him. He said sorry, surely that was a good sign. He said sorry twice.
He has a lot of work on means he won’t be calling back for a while. No point in ringing Angela again, he must have said to hold his calls. If I phone his mobile I’ll get voicemail for sure. Why is he staying at a hotel? Did he say he had to be away. God if he did, I’ve really screwed up if I wrecked his weekend and then he had to be away on Monday.
She leapt up and ran downstairs to check the calendar. Monday was blank. So he’s staying away because he’s pissed off with me. There’s the cock cage too. He’s cut himself loose, so is he at a hotel with some woman? Is he just getting his own back? Or have I lost him?
Slowly trying to get her bearings she made coffee and sat staring at the note. I have to get this right, she thought. There’s no point in talking to him tonight and making an idiot of myself — like I haven’t already.
There’s something about work and that’s in the same sentence as “we need to talk.” What could have happened at work? Nothing happens at his work. He goes to the university, he thinks and writes or teaches all day and he comes home.
Her phone buzzed for a message. She picked it up and saw Spike’s name.
“Idiot,” she said and deleted the message without reading it. She had another thought, looked up his number and typed.
“Fuck Off.”
“Once is enough of you,” she grumbled at the phone as she hit send and then blocked his number.
As she put the phone down there was a knock at the door. Pausing for a moment in front of one of the mirrors to check how she looked, she opened the door to find two men there.
“Yes?”
“Come to get your car for service?” the first one said. “Your husband phoned and said it was due. It’s on a contract. He said you’d done a lot of miles and it needed doing. We’ve got a key. Just thought I’d better check with you. Should have it back tomorrow.”
“Um, sorry I didn’t know it was due. Do you have to?”
“We’ve got a slot today, a cancellation, otherwise it could be a while.” Not expecting any argument he handed her an envelope and was off down the drive before she could think what to say. The other man was still standing there.
“You’re not together?”
“No, I’m the locksmith.”
“Sorry, were we expecting you?”
“Your husband phoned, he said he was worried that someone had stolen a key. Wanted the locks changed straight away. He’s a big shot lawyer isn’t he, so I get the point. I’ll be about an hour. Okay?”
“I suppose. He didn’t tell me.” She stood for a moment staring into space. The guy stood there smiling holding some papers in his hand. Running on autopilot she took it from him.
“My ID and credentials,” he said. “You have to check.”
She tried to focus on the papers, comparing his face with the photograph. “So you’re Robert Mathews?”
“That’s me.”
“Would you like a coffee while you get started?”
“That would be very nice ma’am. Black no sugar if you could.”
She turned away and walked through to the kitchen. He’s taken away my car, at least for today and he’s changing the locks. He’s sending me messages. Is he just telling me that he has a low opinion of Spike? Or is there more to it?
Make coffee, act calm and civilized, she told herself. One thing for sure, I can’t go out until this guy’s finished. She took him his coffee and retreated to the kitchen and spent the next hour making a cake. In a real crisis she always fell back on the comfort of baking, pondering a recipe, mixing, beating, and then the period of calm while the room began to fill with the aroma. At least if Barry comes back there will be cake and if not I’ll have some comfort food, she thought.
An hour later the door bell rang. For a second she wanted to ignore it but remembered that the locksmith was there so went to investigate. Mr Mathews had rung the bell to get her attention.
She looked at the unfamiliar lock.
“I don’t get it,” she said. “Where’s the does the key go?”
“It’s a new kind of lock, it uses a combination, you just type in the numbers and it releases itself. It’s very secure and if you suspect that someone has got the combination you can change it straight away yourself. You can do it over the internet as well.”
“Why would you want to do that?”
“Well, say you were away and you wanted someone to come and check on the property. You could give them a code number, set it up from wherever you were and cancel it once they’d done whatever they were supposed to.”
“So you mean I could go out shopping and come home and find my husband had changed the locks?”
For a moment Diane enjoyed the half embarrassed, puzzled look on Robert Mathews face. She gave him one of her devastatingly seductive smiles.
He laughed. “I guess he could, but you could go online from your phone, standing right here by the door and change it back.”
“Yes, of course I could. It’s very clever isn’t it.”
“We discussed it with him. He seemed to think he needed more security; something to do with his work, he said. A lot of people are changing to these. The other thing you can get is a proximity fob so that the door opens when you get near, you know, like some cars do. He’s ordered some of those but they’ll be a day or two. We don’t usually keep the top of the range models like this in stock.”
“So it’s expensive?”
“Oh yeah. I don’t actually know how much, my boss does all that stuff.”
She didn’t even ask him for the combination; the message was clear enough — stay home until I call you.
Diane closed the door when he’d gone and ambled back to the kitchen to check on the cake. She made another coffee and waited five more minutes before opening the oven. She looked at the time. Twelve thirty. Should she have lunch or make do with coffee and cake?
The phone rang. She looked quickly at it expecting it to be Spike again but it was a new number.
“If that bastard has changed phones he’ll get an earful,” she said as she hit the green button.
“Hi love, how are you doing?”
“Barry? Barry is that you? It’s not your number.”
“It is me. I’m ringing from the courts. Sorry about this morning.”
“You mean the car and the locks? They’ve both been, if that’s what you wanted to know.”
“I was going to leave it till tonight to call, but that didn’t seem fair.”
“You must be very pissed off with me. I’m sorry, I never meant it to turn out like that.”
“In my better moments I was hoping you’d say that.”
“It is. Darling I’m sorry, I didn’t realise what an idiot he was. He’s gone now. I never want to see him again.”
“I’m not surprised, but it’s more complicated than that.”
“Can we just forget it and get back to normal. I won’t bring anyone home again.”
“Could you come to meet me this afternoon. As it turns out I’ve cleared all my work for now.”
“Can’t you come home?”
“I don’t want this to sound … Damn, um, can’t we just meet at my hotel. I’ve booked the room, it’s only for tonight. I think a different space would be good.”
“I’ll have to get a taxi.”
“Sure I know, and I’ll give you the lock combination when you get here.”
“Why can’t you tell me over the phone.”
“Because I want some leverage.”
“You’re being manipulative; it’s not like you.”
“Remind you of anyone?”
There was a long pause. “I’m still here,” she said. “I’m thinking.”
On the other end of the phone she could hear his breathing and the dull sound of traffic somewhere in the distance.
“Are you seeing someone else?”
“No, I was hoping to see you.”
She smiled, maybe that was a good sign. “Where are you?”
“The Royal, you know the one, opposite the courts. I’ve been doing some work there, so it was convenient. Rather nice too.”
“Shall I bring my toothbrush?”
“Your electric one. Sure. They have ordinary ones here if not. Did the other package arrive?”
“What other package?”
“You mentioned the car and the locksmith, there should be another package by special delivery. Wait till it comes before you leave and I’ll see you later. Tell reception at the hotel and they’ll give you a key when you arrive.”
“Will you be there?”
“Depends what time you get here love. I’ve got some more things to do across at the court. If I’m not around have a lazy time. Got to go now. See you soon.”
He hung up. He is playing me, she thought. The funny thing is it feels comfortable. If he’s being in charge maybe I don’t have to worry about what I’ve done to him… or maybe I do.
Fifteen minutes later a cheerful young man appeared at the doorway with a package. She signed for it. She considered for a moment whether he might provide some entertainment but something convinced her that he was probably gay. Back in the kitchen she opened the package and almost burst into tears.
Inside was a pile of information about beauty treatments from the spa at the hotel, known to be the best in town, along with prepaid vouchers for laser treatment for pubic hair removal and a heap of other beauty and massage treatments.
Inside was a card;
In case you need some resurrecting after last night.
B
She cried for several minutes. She set the bedroom note alongside the new card and looked at the two together. Did he have second thoughts? Did I get the first message wrong?
She ate another piece of cake while she struggled to think what to wear to the spa and what to wear afterwards. Is he just sending me messages about what sort of woman he wants? As she dressed the thought returned to her mind that she was being manipulated. What was it he said “Remind you of anyone?” He’s fed up with me manipulating him, that’s what it is. Do I? Is that what I do? The thought stopped her in her tracks for a moment.
Her hands, almost on autopilot carried on picking out garments. She glanced at her still unpacked suitcase. Damn, she thought, my sexiest outfits are all in there and they all need cleaning. I’m ending up wearing second best for Barry and he’s paid for it all. Maybe that’s the message, he’s fed up with second best.
She phoned for a taxi. As the car took her to the spa the thoughts continued. He gets second best all the time. The only thing he gets is me telling him what a great time I’ve had, and I cheat on that too. Half the time I’m making it up. I don’t tell him if the trip has ended up being a sordid waste of time and I feel like a cheap whore. I don’t tell him that because I want him to think he’s giving me a great time. He’s right, it is more complicated. I’ve been in control for the last three years and he’s turned that upside down in a morning. Was I ever in control?
The spa was a delight. No other word would do, and Barry had obviously bought a deluxe package because everyone was super attentive. After three hours of pampering with the laser somewhere in the middle of it she was in heaven. The final massage was half way through when she tried to talk to the beautiful boy that was working her muscles.
“Do you ever get ladies who, you know, ask for a bit more?”
“It does happen.”
“I’m curious, what do you do?”
He laughed. “I don’t give them more,” he said.
“Are you gay?”
“No, I just like my job and I don’t want to get fired.”
“Why would you be fired, are there cameras or something.”
He laughed again. “No, no cameras, no hidden microphones, just ladies who gossip. Think about it, if I was some sort of super stud, the next thing you know someone would tell her friends and after that it’s only a matter of time before we get raided and I get fired. You’ll have to wait until you get back to the man who’s paid for this.”
“I wasn’t really asking.”
“Yeah, I know, but you wouldn’t have said no. I don’t want to be mean but someone gave you quite a going over recently.”
“How do you know?”
“The bites on your arse are a bit of a give away.”
“Have you got a mirror?”
“You want to see?”
“Yes please.”
“I don’t really have a way of doing that.”
“Would it break the rules if you took some pictures with my phone?”
“I guess not. I couldn’t do it with mine. Where’s yours?”
She pointed to the pocket of her robe, eased herself off the massage table and stood in the middle of the room naked and expectant. The masseur walked around her taking several shots and handed her the camera. She looked at the pictures, muttering under her breath. She turned back towards him, noticing that his name tag said Arthur.
“Arthur, you’re a broad minded man, right? I mean you’ve seen it all haven’t you. Would it total phase you if I asked you to take some pictures of my lady bits. You’ve spotted that I’ve had a bit of a rough weekend, I’d like to see what other damage there is.”
“Is this some sort of forgiveness thing from your husband?”
“No darling,” she said. “It’s much more complicated than that. Don’t ask, just take some pictures for me please.”
She lay back on the couch and spread her legs with her bum raised off the table.
“Are you sure?”
“Arthur, you probably have no idea what a hot wife is, but I am one. That means my husband lets me screw other guys. I want to know how much this weekend’s stud ripped up my arse.” As she lay with her legs in the air a slightly embarrassed chortle emerged. “My husband realised I needed a bit of rehab and bought me this afternoon, and it’s been marvellous. I’d just like to know what’s happening down there.”
Arthur took three pictures and handed her the camera. She looked at the pictures, moving her fingers to enlarge the shot. “You’re a darling. I hope you’re not too shocked, and well done for turning me down. What do you think, is it too awful?”
“I think you have a small tear, I’d be careful with that for a day or two.”
“Thanks, that’s what it looks like to me. I had a high colonic wash out beforehand, so with luck it won’t get any use for a day or so.”
“Very wise. We do offer those here in case you ever need another one, but not this afternoon.”
“Okay Arthur, I think I’m done.”
She showered, allowed herself to be pampered with some beautiful body lotion and had a cool drink in the reception area, more to get herself back to looking at normal people again. She took her phone off silent and noticed that a text had arrived from Barry.
When you’re done, if it’s before five, could you meet me in the court. Ask at the lobby, they’ve given me an office.
B
She looked at the time, four thirty. Oh well, she thought, the court it is. The spa was attached to the hotel and the court was across the street. She thought for a moment about taking her panties off but thought better of it. What if they search you in those places. She took a deep breath, dutifully looked both ways and crossed to the court building.
She walked up to the desk and explained who she was, saying that Barry had asked her to meet him in his office.
“No problem ma’am, third floor room 302. Through the metal detector and the lift is on your right.”
She looked across the lobby. A barrier blocked any way across other than through the metal detector. Without thinking too much and trying to remember room 302 she handed her bag to the security man on the desk and stepped through the machine. There was an immediate wild beeping noise. A woman in a uniform stepped up.
“I think it’s probably your ear rings ma’am or the ankle bracelet or maybe your wedding ring. Could you try without them.”
Diane remover her ear rings and then bent to undo the ankle bracelet. I must be mad she thought, walking around here with a hot wife anklet. Just as well I kept my knickers on, having to bend down like this.
The second pass through the machine made no bleeps and she set off for the lift. As she stepped out of the doors Barry was standing there.
“They told me you were coming up.”
Diane looked up and down the corridor, making sure there was no one within earshot.
“Was chopping your cage because of that metal detector?”
“Got it in one. If I’d had a minute to talk to you this weekend I’d have told you.” He reached forward to kiss her. For a few seconds they were wrapped in each other’s arms.
“You haven’t had much chance to do that either. I’m sorry love. I got carried away with being a hot wife and forgot I was a wife.”
Barry led her down the corridor to his office.
“Why have you got an office here?”
“It all happened last week love. The project’s been cooking for a while but I couldn’t say anything until it was all sorted, and then it happened very fast. I won’t bore you with the details but we’ve been asked to do a big piece of research at the court. It means I’ll have to be here some of the time each week and everyone has to go through that metal thing, and I mean everyone, even the judges. University professors are further down the pecking order than judges so there was no way past it.
“Why the hotel and the locks and everything?”
“I’ve been meaning to do the locks for a while and having an idiot like Spike around tipped the balance. I don’t mean to be nasty, but I really found him objectionable. Are the people you screw often like that? You’ve never talked like that about the personality of your conquests.”
“Can I save that for later. What about my car?”
“Well it needed servicing.”
“So you thought you’d send me a message that you still existed. I get it love, and the spa was wonderful. Are you fed up with shaving my pussy?”
“I noticed when Spike was sucking you that the stubble had come back since I shaved you before you went. To begin with I felt slightly guilty that it wasn’t in perfect condition. Right then I though I’d buy you a course of laser and be done with it. I’ll enjoy it if you ever let me lick you again.”
“Of course I’ll let you silly, you’re better at it than anyone else.”
A relieved smile crept over his face.
“Shall we go to the hotel? Half way through the afternoon it crossed my mind to lay on the little demo with the metal detector. Seeing is believing, but I thought you needed to understand that I can’t wear the cage here.”
“How does it feel not wearing it?”
He smiled. “I wondered myself. I haven’t been aching to jump on every female I’ve seen and I haven’t brought myself off. Strangely it made me think about you a lot more. By lunch time I was wondering why I wore it. Did you like it? What did you get out of it? You don’t have to answer right away, but we need to work it out.”
“Is that what you meant by more complicated?”
“A lot more besides that. I could do with a shower and I wanted to take you to dinner. Of course you’re totally pampered already, but can you cope with waiting five minutes while I get clean?”
“They gave me more of all the things they used. I can smell like this in a minute.”
Five minutes later Barry was in the shower and a minute later Diane was there with him. She took the shampoo from his hand and soaped his hair and then gradually covered him all over. She massaged the soap into every crevice and then let the water flow all over him. She turned the shower off and grabbed two big towels. She wrapped him in one and curled the other over her back and shoulders.
“What do you think? Have they done a good job?”
“I need to see you on the bed in a good light.” He carried on towelling and watched her dry herself.
“Barry, you know your cock isn’t terribly small. I’ve probably given you the wrong impression, I think it’s actually larger than average.”
“So why did you keep it locked up?”
“I think it helped me to be okay with what I was doing. It kind of justified me playing away, and I suppose it kept you safe. You couldn’t exactly run off having affairs with that thing on. It meant I’d always have something to come home to.”
“So did you feel guilty when you were away?”
“Some of the time, yes. I’m not sure if guilt is exactly the right word. It’s a transgression isn’t it. Why do people break rules? You should know all that law psychology stuff. I think when you know you’re doing something that you shouldn’t, you need a justification. So kidding myself that your cock was too small kind of justified looking for a bigger one.”
“So if I had the second biggest in the world you might still want to look for the biggest?”
“Yes,” she said. “Dumb isn’t it. Like I’m never happy. Are you going to test this work you paid for?”
As she spread herself in front of him he dropped to his knees at the foot of the bed and slowly began to kiss her mound. Teasing, his lips at first doing no more than brush the skin. Then his tongue began to lick here and there.
“Whatever they massaged you with tastes nice. Did you say you had some more?”
“Are you hungry?”
“No, just enjoying what I paid for.”
“Why did you spend so much, were you trying to buy me back? You didn’t have to.”
“This extra job has more money with it. I thought if I was changing all your rules there ought to be something in return.”
“All my rules?”
“We’ll come to that. I’m not done testing here yet.”
His tongue flicked into the closed folds of her labia and began to tease them apart. Slowly licking downwards from the top and then back up again. He gently opened her, allowing his tongue to go deeper. Running his tongue edge on initially, but beginning to press out against first one side and then the other. Gradually she became wide enough that his tongue could disappear entirely and then stroke up against her clit, forcing it against his lips.
As her clit became engorged he sucked it more, pulling it into his mouth as his tongue delved further inside her.
“I’d forgotten how good you are at this. Oh yes. Oh gee you are good.”
He ran his hands up her stomach and sought her hands, pulling them across to her breasts. She got the hint and started to roll her nipples between her fingers.
As his work on her clit continued she spread her legs wider, pushing up with her hips, pressing herself into his mouth. Her breathing gradually changed, deep sighs developing into faster and faster pants. Barry changed position slightly and with one hand began to use his fingers to penetrate below his tongue; using increasing numbers of fingers to expand her opening and force more flesh up against his mouth.
He began to develop a longer rhythm, almost the opposite of Diane’s breathing. By now Barry was completely in sync with everything he knew about Diane; he knew he’d done this a hundred times and he knew he could play her like a musical instrument. The difference this time was that he had every intention of getting his cock inside her as soon as she came. Sucking wearing a cock cage was inhibiting, the more excited he became the more it hurt and the more frustrated he became. He knew she liked that and enjoyed deciding whether he’d done well enough to justify unlocking him. Even when it all worked she often only gave him a blow job. This time was going to be different. She might not be satisfied with his size but that wasn’t going to matter because he planned to make up for it with enthusiasm.
Her breathing was now was grunts and gasps.
“Oh yes. Oh yes. Oh Barry, God Barry, what have I been doing?”
He stood up for a second, smiling at her and moved up the bed sliding between her legs and entering her in one fluid movement.
“Yes,” she said, “yes, oh yes.”
Barry settled into an easy rhythm, carefully fucking, making sure to hit Diane’s swollen clit with every thrust, making the most of the length he had.
“Come on Barry,” she said. “Come for me.”
He lowered himself down, enjoying crushing his chest against her breasts and beginning to kiss her over and over and as he did his pelvic thrusts became more solid, gradually increasing in pace. His lips were now completely enveloping hers and his tongue explored her mouth, knowing her own juices were being spread all over her taste buds. He could feel her laughing inside his kiss, giggling as his thrusts got fast and faster. She reached a hand down over his back, pulling him tighter while another hand held the back of his head. In another instant he came; shuddering with relief and holding himself tight in place for maybe thirty seconds before he finally relaxed.
They gradually disentangled themselves and lay, side by side while their breathing returned to normal.
“Barry how far is it to the restaurant?”
“It’s here in the hotel, why?”
“I don’t know how much juice you put in me, but I wouldn’t want it to leak out at the wrong moment.”
“You want me to eat you out?”
“Mmmm. Is that alright?”
“If I don’t get a cramp in my tongue. Really you need a small army to look after you. One to get you going two or three to service your holes and one to clean up.”
“Which would you be?”
“Difficult isn’t it. I don’t want to be the one who cleans up and gets nothing else. Who should decide is another good question. That’s what I really wanted to talk about.”
“So that’s the dinner conversation?”
Barry picked up a hand towel and put it under her bum. “See what you can squeeze out. I actually like the idea of you dripping a little of me while we eat.” He slid back to the bottom of the bed and inserted his tongue. After a few movements he sucked in and closed his lips, returning quickly to the head of the bed, grinning with his lips closed.
“Go on then,” she giggled and opened her mouth. Barry descended on her, opening his mouth at the last moment and depositing a mouthful of cream into Diane. She swallowed with ceremony.
“Great appetizer,” she said.
Ten minutes later they took their places at the table and chose their meal as the waiters fluttered around.
“Are we okay now?” Diane looked across the table at Barry.
“We’re okay, we always were okay, but there’s some things that you parked earlier on and some stuff I haven’t even started on yet. Sorry, but there’s still work to do.”
Diane looked at him, taking a couple of deep breaths. “You asked about the personalities of my conquests, as you called them, about whether there were others like Spike. Like everything today, it’s complicated. Some of them were. I usually dropped them very quickly. Spike fooled me because he seemed perfectly civilised until you were in the picture. I think he was insecure. When he was waving his big cock at a willing whore like me he was on safe ground, but when you were there he didn’t have the confidence to compete on equal terms. Does that make sense?”
“I thought the same thing.”
“I lied as well.”
“What about?”
She shrugged her shoulders and gave him a wry smile. “Most things, some of the time. I used to tell you what a great time I’d had. It was fun, wasn’t it. I’d come home and we’d relive all the days I was away and you were turned on by it. The thing is quite often I elaborated a bit to turn you on more. Sometimes it was mostly made up. Not completely invented, but I if I was talking about someone like Spike I probably said a lot about how big their cock was and sort of failed to mention that they were a pain in the neck. I think I felt guilty. I’d been away for days, I’d spent your money, I had to tell you I’d had a good time.”
“You did more than that.”
“How do you mean?”
“You pushed me back more and more. It may be part of the same thing. If you made my life miserable it made yours better. I suspect that you deliberately or maybe subconsciously made things worse for me, and then so long as I stayed in the marriage you were better off in some way. I think you needed to make me miserable to justify needing to play away. The more you could make me a wimp the more you were justified in whatever you did.”
“I didn’t set out to make you miserable.”
“But you did love. I never wanted the cock cage but you pushed and pushed. I never wanted you to go away for so long, but you pushed it and pushed it. Three years ago it was an afternoon, and then an evening and then overnight and then a weekend and then a week. Where would it have ended? Would you have gone down the road Spike was leading you to? Making me wear your clothes, more and more humiliation. Was that the plan, to see how much I could take?”
He reached across the table and took her hands, holding them for several seconds. “I know I’m laying it on thick, but after this weekend I knew I had to have it out. In a way Spike made it easy. If he’d been nice, or subtle and pushing the same agenda I might have been lost.”
“I wouldn’t.”
“Love, you did. You could have stopped him putting your night dress on me, but you helped him. You smoothed it down over my body. You told me it looked good. It made me feel awful and in such a bind. You kissed me while you did it, you had me stuck in a place I couldn’t get out of.”
“When you put it like that it sounds terrible.”
“It was and it’s probably illegal in the UK.”
“What?”
“The Serious Crimes Act 2015, section 76,” he said.
“Barry you’re the lawyer not me, could I have that in English please.”
“It’s called Coercive Control. It applies to people who are in in some sort of relationship, one of which is marriage. Leaving out the paragraph numbers and whatnot I can almost quote the act; “A person commits an offence if they repeatedly or continuously engage in behaviour towards another person that is controlling or coercive and it causes that person serious alarm or distress which has a substantial adverse effect on their usual day-to-day activities.” There’s more details about whether the perpetrator, that’s you, ought to know it would cause distress. So me saying “please don’t do this” or “I really don’t want to do this” pretty much every time, kind of covers that.”
“What’s the penalty?”
“Up to five years in jail if it goes in front of a jury, a year if it’s a magistrate.”
“Are you serious.”
“Yes. I’m not planning to take you to court, I just want it to stop. I want us to start again and figure out what we want from each other. Anything is possible so long as you don’t have to make me miserable to make yourself happy or vice versa.”
“You are serious.”
“Deadly serious. I feel as though my life depends upon it. I think we’ve got three choices; One, we could get divorced and leave it at that. Two, I could take you to court and get you locked up — though I’d probably want to visit, which sort of undermines the case. Three, we can sort ourselves out and get on with trying to have a nice life that we both enjoy. What do you reckon?”
“I’d like to take the third one,” she said, her voice trembling a little. “is that okay with you?”
“Of course it is. It’s what I want too.”
“But that doesn’t mean we just carry on the way we were only with me remembering to be nicer. It doesn’t mean that does it?” she said.
“I think we need to remember why we got married and think about what we’ve learned since, and maybe what we haven’t learned or might want to learn and what we want from each other. All that.”
“So many things come into my head,” she said. “I don’t know where to start.”
Barry smiled and squeezed her hands again. “There’s a couple of things I forgot,” he said. “The first is that I know I can be very serious, too serious sometimes. I’m sure it can be really annoying, so if that happens too much you can call a time out — a bit like using a safeword in BDSM play, yeah? The second is that we don’t have to beat ourselves up too much. I think we ought to keep trying to focus on what we enjoy, but look out for the seesaw, where one of us gets high on the other one being pushed down.”
“I always liked seesaws as a kid,” she said. “I liked that clunk at the bottom and the feeling you might fly off at the top. What would it look like with me being pushed down?”
“You tell me.”
“When you said five years in jail my stomach dropped about four feet, in fact I’m surprised the waiters aren’t kicking it around as a football somewhere. I’ve never been to a jail. You’ve been there lots of times. Before you went to the university you defended people. What’s it like?”
“Physically there’s lots of bars and tedious procedures getting around inside the building. I can’t say I liked it. I think the mental thing is more important; being in a cage when you don’t want to be, doing what you’re told, whether you like it or not. I think the hard part would be just getting used to the restriction and not being able to change anything.”
“So pretty much what I was doing to you. Each time it looked like you’d got used to the situation I’d push it on another notch. You ought to be asking me why I was so cruel.”
“You’re asking yourself.”
“Yes,” she said, smiling for the first time since they held hands across the table. “And not liking it much. Why did I?” She looked at the table and then at their intertwined hands for a few seconds and then directly at his eyes. “This may sound silly, and very immature but in a way I think I did it because you’re so clever. You have all these ideas in your head, you could live in there.
“I’m not saying you ignored me, but you’ve got so much brain that you could be attentive and loving and still have miles of brain spare. I think I wanted to keep intruding on your life; do things so that you kept noticing me. That sounds daft when I went away a lot, but noticing I wasn’t there and having the cage to remind you… I don’t know. I think it all kind of adds up to being so in love with you and sort of frightened that you might disappear inside that brain and never come out.
“It’s not your fault,” she said quickly, “I’m sure you never would do that, but maybe I was insecure. I think I was. I had to do things to keep being noticed.” She squeezed his hands and smiled again, almost beginning to laugh. “A bit like Spike in a way.” She slowly shook her head. “If they don’t bring that food soon I’m going to disappear down a black hole.”
She stopped for a moment. “You didn’t tell the waiter to take ages did you?”
“No, love but you can call a time out on yourself if you like.”
“There are times,” she said, shaking her head and chuckling under her breath, “when you can be too nice for your own good. Does it make sense,” she said, “if I say it was easier to seduce other men than to do the same to you? I think sometimes, in my own mind, I wasn’t good enough for you. If I seduced other men, if I kept you locked up, if I made them seem bigger, sexier, all that, then you’d want me more.” She paused again, looked at him, squeezed his hand again. “The thing is, I think it worked a bit. Sometimes I would see that sad longing in your eyes and I’d know I was the most desired woman in the world. That’s a heady drug. It’s like you say, the top of the seesaw, the bit where gravity switches off for a millisecond, where for an instant you’re outside the rules, free of the planet where anything is possible. I think I got addicted to your longing. It’s not an excuse, but maybe it’s a reason.”
She looked up and saw the waiter approaching “At last. Any longer and my psyche would be leaking all over the table.” She took a deep breath and finally released his hands, allowing the waiter some space.
“Was I too hard on you?’ he said, once the food was served.
“No more than I deserved. Actually less than I deserved. I can’t get the idea of you visiting me in jail out of my head. Would you really have visited and not just let me rot?”
“Of course I would.”
“Could you make me a cell or a cage or something. I think I ought to serve some time.”
“What, and recruit some muscle women as guards?”
“Butch dykes to have their way with me?”
“No,” he said. “Of course not. I’d be an equal opportunity employer. Their sexuality would be their affair.”
Diane laughed. “You know you wanted me to drip a little at supper.”
“I did say that the idea was attractive.”
“Thinking about cells and bars has me soaking.”
“Keep your panties on and eat and we’ll discuss your sentence later.”
– – end of part two – –
