Hi, This is Claire. So far it’s been my loving husband Neil who’s described what’s happened to us since our younger daughter Caitlyn left for college. I’m happy for my beloved to carry on doing all the heavy lifting (After all, that’s what husbands are for!). But I’d like to add my two cents’ worth before Neil continues.
I guess I’d like to really expand on and give everyone a better understanding of my feelings and thoughts. Neil’s done a great job giving a good summary of where I was coming from and how it was for me. But as in many ways it had been my desires and wishes that had led us into this new episode in our lives, and so I’d like to share a little more about my side of the story.
But the truth is he can’t climb inside my head to fully explain how I’d felt through those days in October and November 2016. When things had built up and up until I threw away twenty-four years of monogamy to sleep with a man other than my beloved Neil.
To share a little background. Forty-three years old, a married elementary school teacher and mother of two grown-up daughters. I guess I’d had a pretty ‘vanilla’ sex life up until now. I’d had a couple of serious boyfriends before I met and started dating Neil. My experiences with them had been the typical high school and college fooling around and exploring. It was only during my twenty-four years together with Neil that I really learned about and started enjoying sex.
Right from the get-go, Neil was a considerate and thoughtful lover. Neil had never been drowning in female company, but being six years older than me he was a little more experienced. We were young and in love, and we enjoyed exploring and learning about sex together. Even when our wonderful daughters Amy and Caitlyn arrived early in our marriage, somehow Neil and I managed to find the time and energy to maintain a satisfying love-life.
Girls always talk. And the topic of our love-lives and significant others was a common theme when we’d have a girls’ night out to escape from the worlds of motherhood, work, and husbands! Comparing my love-life with those of my girlfriends, it seemed pretty average. That might sound a bit disparaging, but it’s not meant that way. It’s just that with a young family and a busy, demanding teaching job that I loved, sex wasn’t the central preoccupation of my life. With everything else going on in my life, my love-life was just a nice side dish in an otherwise busy and very happy and fulfilled life.
Our girls, my job and my love for Neil were the ‘holy trinity’ of my life. Putting them in that order, with Neil third, might seem a bit unfair to Neil – but that’s not how it’s meant. The truth is that from the day we started dating, right up until today, Neil has grown to be the loving and caring backbone of my life, around which everything else fits.
That’s one of the many reasons I love him so much. He’s not showy or self-absorbed or in any way selfish. His first instinct is always to think about what our girls or what I might want, or what’s best for us. He pretty much always puts himself last. This isn’t to say that he’s a pushover or a wimp. Rather it’s meant to describe this wonderful, funny, loving man who I grew to love and share my life with.
Neil has described us as best friends and soulmates, and I couldn’t agree with him more. Ours is a deep and wonderful love that has allowed me to raise two wonderful daughters and to enjoy a deep and caring relationship with a great guy who loves me with all his heart. What more could a girl ask for?
If I’m honest, Neil’s also right when he described that over the years I’ve come into contact with plenty of guys who were more handsome or taller or more masculine than Neil. And, without being immodest, plenty of these guys made it clear over the years that they fancied me, which a married girl with kids in her twenties or thirties or forties likes to hear sometimes! But even if Neil isn’t the next George Clooney and is a bit lower than my level in physical looks, I love him with all my heart and wouldn’t change him for any of these various hunks who’ve shown an interest at parties or school or other events.
Empty nesters spice things up
As the girls grew up and headed to college, Neil and I decided to try and spice things up a little in the bedroom. I gave my loving hubby carte-blanche to buy some sexy new lingerie and outfits for me that appealed to him. And when we knew we had the house to ourselves for a few hours, we’d often sneak off to bed and have a wonderful evening of love-making. With the time and energy that we’d not had when the girls were younger, we’d luxuriate and enjoy each other’s bodies.
Neil had always been particularly good at oral sex, and at his request I kept myself shaved except a little ‘landing-strip’ above my pussy. I was happy to do this as it had the dual benefit of making me feel sexy and encouraging my hubby’s eager tongue and lips to work their magic. He’d often bring me off a couple of times as he’d kiss and stimulate my pussy with his mouth and tongue. And then when he knew I’d cum, I’d feel the man I loved take up position between my legs and push himself into my body.
Missionary was our favorite position, allowing us to kiss and look tenderly into each other’s eyes for that special emotional connection. But then we’d often switch to doggy or cowgirl. Neil loved to see my big 36C boobs swinging in time with his thrusts when we were in doggy, or bouncing up and down as I rode my husband to find just the right spot.
Having already introduced sexy lingerie and outfits, I think it was Neil who first suggested we explore the internet to see if there were things there we could enjoy as a couple. With two teenage daughters and the type of mandatory training teachers receive on the internet, I thought I wouldn’t find much new that I didn’t already know. But wow! It might have been Neil’s suggestion, but my hubby soon had a willing and enthusiastic student.
Neil’s reaction was a mix of amusement and a little, surprised shock as he saw the eagerness with which his formerly disinterested wife attacked all of the things that the web had to offer. As Neil described in the first chapter, my favorites soon became the movies and stories about guys with big cocks and those which involved black guys.
One of the great things about our relationship is the way that we’ve always been able to be open about all kinds of things. And so as we explored these various sites on the web, Neil and I were able to openly talk about why it was I seemed most interested in these big-cock and interracial themes. From various discussions with girlfriends about our men, I’ve always known that Neil’s cock is slightly smaller than average and that some guys do indeed have much bigger cocks than others.
Until I started seeing on the web just how big the cocks that some guys were blessed with, Neil’s slightly small size was a total non-issue. In fact, until then, the whole subject of penis size was more a source of humor rather than arousal for me and my girlfriends. Sitting around with a bottle of wine or at a favorite bar, we’d sometimes have a good laugh. It was funny to us how insecure and obsessed our other halves could be when it comes to the size of their precious wedding tackle. But, as most girls will tell you, a ‘good big one’ will always beat a ‘good little one’. And as a group, we’d agree that provided he’s a considerate lover and knows how to use it, we all enjoyed the pleasure that comes from a bigger than average cock.
But as we started looking at the web on a pretty regular basis, I was taken at the size of some of the cocks. Always being open as a couple, I couldn’t hide from my loving husband how fascinated I was with the scenes starring these big-cocked guys, especially when the guy in the scene was both well endowed and black. Seeing these pictures and reading these stories always got both Neil and me worked up. And when we made love afterward, my ever-imaginative hubby would whisper in my ear to imagine that it was some huge black guy with a monster cock making love to me. You can imagine the reaction as Neil whispered stuff like this to me until we’d both cum with a wonderful intensity.
But at this stage, this was all fantasy play in the bedroom. It wasn’t the same as saying that I wanted to do this for real. Neil and I were both sensible and realistic enough to know that there’s a huge difference between fantasy and reality, and that many a strong and loving marriage has been ruined by confusing fantasy and reality or by the introduction of a third person to spice things up, when in many ways it is naturally designed as a two-person gig.
It was initially I, rather than Neil, who was more inquisitive about this ‘well-endowed guy’ thing, but my interest seemed to spark something in my loving hubby and we both soon realized that he was becoming just as intrigued as I was. So when Neil got to the point of admitting that the idea of me on my back taking a pounding from some massively endowed black guy was a real turn-on for him, part of me was excited, while the other part of me felt confused. Like most women, I’d been brought up from a young age to believe that her husband or boyfriend should fight to protect and keep her safe. Not stand there all excited, watching and jerking off while another guy did her!
Honestly, to me, it seemed natural that a girl should fantasize and wonder about a buff, well-endowed guy. That’s just nature, isn’t it? The woman wanting the strongest and biggest mate in the jungle, able to sire strong offspring and then protect them.
But for a boy or husband to fantasize about giving his woman to another man, a man bigger and more virile–what’s the rationale for that? How does this propagate his genes?
But as we talked about it, I got to better understand why Neil found the idea of me going with a better-endowed guy so exciting. It was his way of giving me what he couldn’t. In his mind, he’d be that other, better-endowed guy. As we discussed it, and Neil even shared things from the internet backing up his theory, I got it and became more understanding of his emerging wife-watching fetish.
(I sometimes still felt a bit two-faced, thinking my big cock fantasy only natural whilst wondering at whether Neil’s similar fantasy was a healthy and good thing or not.)
Anyway, time to prattle a bit less and cut to the chase on giving you my side of some of the things have happened over the last few days and weeks.
But I’m sure all you wives and girlfriends out there will easily understand, despite all of the internet porn and common room conversations, actually thinking about placing an ad and doing this thing for real was a huge deal for Neil and me. Married more than twenty years, with a wonderful family and great husband, of course, I was inquisitive, but this step was a huge one which might ruin everything and break the hearts of four people who loved each other dearly.
With all these worries and risk, I’m sure I’d not have had the courage to try this thing without the support of my loving husband, knowing that he was now equally turned on by the idea of me going with another guy, a guy who we both wanted to be bigger than Neil where it mattered.
Neil and I had some discussion about whether or not to advertise for either a white or black guy, but in the end, we decided to advertise for a black guy. We knew this cut down the pool of guys who might respond, but we reasoned that the whole ‘black guy’ thing was a huge turn-on for both of us, so if we were going to do this thing after twenty-four years of monogamy it didn’t feel right to ‘settle’ or compromise. Hell, if we were going to do it, let’s do it right!
Neil’s already described how he teased me about how although I went through the motions of making a ‘Top Five’ list it was pretty obvious from the get-go that I had a real thing for one of the guys, Jason. Even from his first email and photos, there was something about him that really got to me. I suddenly felt like a lovelorn high school girl as I looked at his handsome face, his ripped six-foot-five-inch frame and took in his size and physical appearance. His bad-boy persona with all of those tattoos only made me want him more; he was so different from every man I’d known before in my very normal, safe and conservative world.
And when Jason and I started exchanging texts and then calling each other, this feeling of attraction and desire only got stronger and stronger. That first night when I was getting dressed to see my prospective new lover, even though I knew this was meant to be only a first meeting to get to know each other a little, I pretty much knew that unless Neil changed his mind I would be going to bed with this handsome thirty-three-year old black guy who was ten years my junior. From all the texts and talking, I knew that Jason was equally hungry for me, telling me he found me incredibly beautiful and sexy. I tell you, hearing this from such a stud as Jason who could have his pick from women much younger and prettier than me, made me feel wonderful and even more excited.
I could have just about turned back if Neil had changed his mind, as he nearly did when we discussed his last-minute mixed feelings, but it would have been a close run thing, and thankfully Neil stuck to our plan to meet up with Jason on that fateful November evening in 2016.
As we shut the door to our family home behind us, I distinctly remember thinking to myself ‘are we really doing this’. The idea that, after twenty-four years being exclusive with Neil, I was about to head down a path to share my body with another man was incredibly profound. And not just any man. I didn’t like to admit it, but we were planning to share me with a man who I had the physical hots for in a way I’d never experienced with my own sweet husband.
Looking back, I am a bit embarrassed about how I acted that first night when we met Jason. Even before went seriously off-plan, I was totally besotted with him and pretty much ignoring my husband Neil, who was also meant to be part of this evening. And when Neil agreed for Jason to take me by the arm and we strolled together over to the club, like we were a couple on a date, I was all but lost. In the club, I offered no resistance at all and was a willing participant as Jason and I went a lot further than Neil and I had planned.
I was going to say that Jason seduced me, but as Neil said earlier, that would give the wrong impression, because I was a very willing participant. Every time I think back to how I treated Neil on that first evening, I color up with embarrassment at how badly I behaved. The truth is that I was totally infatuated with my hunky African-American date. And despite my conservative, elementary school teacher lifestyle, if Jason had wanted to take me right there and then on the dance floor, I’d probably have let him! My behavior was totally out of character for me, I was so hot for this six-feet-five-inch black Adonis.
I feel terrible when I think back to how I behaved before we left that club. The way that I made my poor husband suffer when as I threw away all our plans for a fairly modest evening just talking to Jason. And instead, I headed off with Jason to his condo, making it clear to Neil that I planned to spend the night with Jason. I feel awful about this, and am just amazingly glad that somehow things managed to work out as I called Neil and he spent the rest of the weekend with me and my new man in Jason’s condo.
I won’t give you a blow-by-blow account of that weekend between me and Jason. Neil has already done that. Suffice it to say, the sex with Jason was amazing. And this whole experience, both the physical and the emotional side of it, had a profound and confusing effect on me.
And so, as Neil and I settled down that Monday evening to talk about what the future held, I was in a strange and confused mental place. All of the certainties of the last twenty-plus years of my life seemed to have been blown away in a whirlwind of desire for Jason and then the amazing sex he and I had shared. If I’d been besotted with Jason at the start of that Thursday evening, you can imagine how I felt by the end of the weekend. Yes, I had spent some of the weekend cuddling and reconnecting with my poor Neil. But the bulk of the weekend had been spent with me and my new man exploring each other’s bodies, as Jason took me to heaven and back more times than I can count with that beautiful huge black cock of his.
And on that Monday evening as Neil and I talked, the fact that it was more than just a sexual thing with Jason really heightened my confusion. Jason and I had really connected ever since he’d first replied to our ad. And it was a connection that had grown and grown, to a point where it was causing me confusion and anguish as Neil and I sat down to talk things through.
On the phone in the days leading up to that first date, Jason and I had connected as two people, as a man and a woman who enjoyed talking and flirting, and who found each other very attractive. And when we’d met up at the restaurant and then at the club, that connection just became stronger the more we talked.
But I think it was on the Thursday night while we rested between love-making and then as we talked before I fell asleep in his bed, that the connection really took root. Neil has described the pain he felt as he listened to me telling Jason that I preferred my new man’s lovemaking over his own, and how it cut him to the core to hear me blurt out to Jason how much I loved his big body, muscles, and masculinity. Well, I don’t know what my poor husband would have felt if Jason had left the Facetime on for the rest of that Thursday night, as Jason and I talked and shared through most of the night, only stopping when Jason’s libido had recovered enough to allow us to make love again.
For men, sex is maybe three-quarters physical and one-quarter emotional. But for us gals it’s maybe the other way round, and so having given myself so totally to Jason and enjoyed wonderful sex with him, I couldn’t help but open myself up emotionally as we lay in bed together that Thursday night. Especially as Jason opened up about himself and how he felt about me. He told me a little of his life story, about growing up in the Bronx where a pretty unstable home life with drug use in the family and an absent father didn’t aid his progress at school. But given his size, he was soon running with a gang and being good with cars had finally worked really hard to make something of himself and was now the proud owner of a small chain of custom car shops.
As a woman and a mother, how could my heart fail to go out to him as he told me about how his tough upbringing and years of hard work to escape from the gang life to make something of himself, which had pleased his rather fearsome but loving mom who seemed to have been the key figure in raising Jason and trying to keep him out of trouble. And when Jason shared with me about the loss of one of his kids which had started the rocky road to him and his wife splitting and divorcing, my feelings of tenderness and empathy towards Jason increased more than I can describe.
And our closeness and connection carried on growing through that Thursday night as we alternated between amazing love-making and just talking and sharing, as we opened up to one another. I learned that Jason still had one little boy of six who lived with his mother in Queens, and that things were better between him and his ex-wife now that they’d split and as time had allowed the pain of their child’s death to become more bearable.
And naturally enough, Jason asked me about how Neil and I had got to this position where we were opening up our marriage. He’d asked a good question, and so I explained how Neil and I now had time on our hands with the girls both gone. And how we’d realized that although we were happy and loved each other deeply, we’d never really explored much in our sex lives. And this had led us to the web and various movie and story sites which had sparked my interest in big cocks and interracial sex, with Neil then getting bitten by the bug and wondering what it would be like to share me with a well hung black guy.
After one particularly amazing bout of love-making, we were laying entwined in each others’ arms with my head submissively laying on my new man’s chest. Jason asked me if I’d meant what I’d said earlier about his love-making being better for me than Neil’s. And if this was true, what did it mean for us seeing each other again?
I raised my head and looked up my handsome black lover, as he continued to slowly stroke my hair which had been covering his chest. The first thought that raced to the front of my mind was just how honestly should I answer Jason’s question. Earlier, I’d been in the throes of passion when I’d made my bold declaration. About just how amazing Jason’s cock was and how I preferred his love-making to my husband’s. But now it was different. I was no longer in the throes of passion, and whatever answer I gave now would be of far greater significance. Whatever I told Jason now had the potential to make me feel far more guilty in my betrayal of Neil, delivered as it would be in the post-lovemaking calm.
This thought was pulling me to be diplomatic and not wholly truthful with Jason. I looked up at Jason’s face and thought how he’d shared so openly with me about the most painful episodes in his life. And I knew that, even if I felt like I was betraying Neil, I wanted to be honest with Jason.
Moving my head closer to Jason’s handsome tattooed face, I kissed his lips softly and smiled softly at him. “Yes, Jason. Yes, your love-making is better than Neil’s. Don’t get me wrong, Jason. I love Neil, he’s my best friend and soulmate. But if we’re just talking about sex, then yes, your love-making is better than this. I enjoy it more.”
Hearing my words, Jason tried his best not to look like the cat that got the cream. He then repeated the second part of his question. “What does that mean for us seeing each other again after tonight, Claire? I really loved getting to know you these last few days and tonight’s been amazing. And I want us to carry on seeing each other, but I don’t know if you and Neil will be comfortable with that if our love-making might be a threat to you and him.”
I looked deep into Jason’s eyes. At the start of the evening, before I’d gotten to know the deeper side of him, I’d have been surprised at Jason’s question. For a guy whose bad-boy tats gave him the look of an aggressive thug, his question was remarkably deep and considerate. Asking about how what we had just shared might affect or harm the relationship between Neil and me.
But I’d seen the sensitive and thoughtful side of Jason as he’d shared with me about his childhood, lost infant and painful divorce. And so his question didn’t surprise me so. And I smiled affectionately at him and kissed him softly.
“I don’t know, Jason baby. I just don’t know. It’s something that Neil and I are going to have to talk about. Talk about honestly, warts and all.”
Jason looked at me with a look of sadness and regret on his face. I instinctively wanted to make him feel better, and I also wanted him to know the truth. Even before Neil and I had talked about things.
“But Jason, if Neil’s okay with it, I’d love for us to see each other again.”
I paused to let my words sink in, and was rewarded as Jason’s sadness retreated and the start of a smile appeared.
“And honey, if Neil’s okay with it, I’d love for us to see each other on a regular basis.”
And something in me kicked in, and without planning it, I found myself opening up to Jason about how I felt we’d connected and how the night had affected me emotionally. I didn’t plan it. And later I worried that it felt like I was betraying Neil by being so open with Jason before I’d even spoken to my husband about it. It just came blurting out.
“Jason, I’ve loved every minute we’ve spent together tonight. The way you made me laugh as we talked at the restaurant. The way that you looked at me there and in the club, that makes me feel so sexy. The wonderful feeling of our naked bodies next to each other, and the way that you touch and stroke me. I love the way that your head feels between my thighs and the way that your fingers tease and open me up. And I love the way that I feel when your cock starts to stretch me, and then I feel you going deeper and deeper until my whole body just feels full of you. And I love feeling you hold me tight, pull me to you as you pump your seed deep into me.”
I felt spent and vulnerable having shared these most intimate thoughts and feelings with Jason. Trying to ignore that nagging feeling of guilt at having shared with Jason before Neil.
Jason looked at me with a serious and yet loving expression, and I knew he was going to share with me his feelings. I braced myself. Part of me, hopeful that he felt a similar connection. Part of me, fearful at the complications this might cause.
“Claire honey, I feel the same. I’m not going to lie to you. I’ve dated and had sex with plenty of women since I got back on my feet after my wife left me. But ever since we started texting and chatting, this has felt different. It’s like we’ve got a special connection. And I have to be honest with you, Claire. I’ve not felt that way about anyone else after my wife.”
Jason paused and looked intently at me to judge my reaction. I remained silent because it felt like he wasn’t done yet and I wanted to hear everything before saying anything.
Jason continued, “Claire, sex is fine and great with all kinds of women. But with you tonight, it’s been more than that. More than just physical. I’ve felt that we really connected emotionally. As two people who really like each other, and who really want each other. Tell me I’m not wrong, Claire! It’s felt amazing and special for me. Whether we’re enjoying our bodies joined together, your body surrounding me and cumming for me. Or whether we’re just kissing and holding each other and talking about all kinds of shit. Claire honey, tell me this isn’t special for you and I’ll believe you. But I think this is special for you. I think you feel the same as me.”
Jason had finished and I knew that he was waiting for my reaction to how he’d bared his soul and told me how he felt about our connection.
Taking a deep breath, I looked into Jason’s eyes. “Jason, I do feel the same. But it’s simpler for you, honey. You’re single, I have a husband and two daughters who I love with all my heart. Neil and I have been together for twenty-four years, and he’s my life.
“Neil and I weren’t looking for a romantic experience when we placed that ad. We were looking for something fun and sexual to add to our love-life.”
Jason’s face betrayed a mix of sadness and a hint of anger, as if I was saying he was nothing more than a good fuck to Neil and me. I reached out and touched his face softly.
“Jason, that’s what we were looking for. But it’s not what we found. It’s not what I found,” and then I paused before saying something that was incredibly difficult for me to say as a married woman who loved her husband.
“Jason, you’re right when you say that you can see that I feel the same way. That we have a connection. And the truth is, I love what’s happened. But it also frightens me to death, Jason. Because you and I both know that if we carry on seeing each other, then this thing could grow and grow, until it hurts someone.”
Jason and I both knew what I meant. I didn’t want to spell it out, it would have been too painful. But both Jason and I knew who I meant. That this connection between us could grow to a point where it would hurt my wonderful husband.
*****************
I’m sorry if I’ve rambled a bit, but I think it’s important to understand all of this. It’s important because this was how I was feeling on the Thursday night when Jason and I held each other in his bed and talked about our feelings and how we’d connected so deeply.
And this was how we felt just a few hours after we met on that Thursday night. You can imagine how we felt by Sunday evening when I kissed my new lover goodbye and Neil and I headed home to Lake Success. Most of the weekend, as all three of us had been around, there had been little opportunity for either Jason and me or Neil and me to talk. But as I slept with Jason on both the Friday and Saturday nights, we did have some time to talk, just the two of us. And again I felt guilty at these times. Jason made a point of closing the door to the bedroom as we said our goodnights and Neil either stayed in the lounge or headed off to the guest room, alone. Although I did feel very guilty at the sound of that shutting door, I did nothing to stop it and went along with Jason’s plan to give us a few hours of privacy. With the door shut and by speaking softly, Jason and I were able to talk more without Neil being able to hear us.
Looking back, I feel terrible and very disloyal to Neil at having behaved like this. But at the time, my guilt was overruled by my happiness and need to have a few hours to be close to Jason. Just the two of us. Me and the new man in my life. And as we talked and shared, we both knew that the feelings and connection that we’d discussed on Thursday night were just growing stronger and deeper.
And as I said before, I wanted this and enjoyed it, at the same time that it frightened me. But I lived for the moment, pushing these fears to the back of my mind, telling myself that there was plenty of time for Neil and me to work these things out when the weekend was over.
To be continued.
