Mr. Patel junior was every bit as nice as his father, born in this country he was every bit as western as me, but with the sort of inbuilt charm that you can’t learn, you have to be born with it and he had been.
“Welcome Jill,” he beamed, “Dad never told me I was getting a beauty queen for a tenant.”
He winked at me and I liked him immediately.
“Call me Joe,” he said and handed her a bunch of keys, “it’s clean, my wife’s made sure of that, but there’s absolutely no furniture at all I’m afraid.”
“That’s okay Joe,” she smiled and coloured at his compliment, “I’ve got some money saved up and what I can’t afford, I’ll do without.”
And she and mum ran off excitedly to explore the flat.
“Here Tommy, look at this.” he beckoned me behind the counter and pulled open a little drawer, “This is dad’s idea, I ‘spose he told you about it.”
The drawer was actually a till with quite a bit of money in it.
“This is all the money from your vegetables and of course you know that ten percent of it’s yours don’t you?”
I looked blankly at him and his jaw dropped.
“He hasn’t told you?”
“Told me what?”
“Oh shit.”
“I think you’d better tell me about it, Joe, don’t you?”
“Bloody hell Tommy, the old man will kill me, he likes you, and he likes your mum too, he admires the way you’ve gone about things, you know, got your act together after a lousy start and knuckled down to it and he especially likes what you’ve done with the garden. The vegetables won’t make any of us millionaires but people love them, they like the freshness of them and the lack of chemicals.”
He broke off to serve two women who I noticed looked quite disappointed when told there’d be no more tomatoes until the next morning.
“Oh dear.” said one. “The old man was looking forward to some with his dinner.”
“Tell you what darling.” laughed Joe. “I’ll put some by for you tomorrow and in the meantime.”
He looked round furtively and lowered his voice.
“Put yourself in some stockings and sit on a plate, that’ll stop the old bugger from going to the pub.”
They screamed in pretended outrage, but spent quite a few pounds in there for his cheek before walking out, still laughing.
“Well the thing is Tommy, he’s keeping ten percent of all your sales back so that when they’re finished for the year, you’ll be able to buy seeds and what have you for the allotment and the garden for next year.”
“Bloody hell.”
“Yeah.” he said dryly, “That’s what I feel now that I’ve let the secret out.”
“Joe, believe me, he won’t learn it from me,” I said. “That’s a really nice thing to do.”
The girls came back then and Jill said that the flat was lovely.
“When can I move in Joe.”
“Whenever you’re ready” he replied and took her into the back to sign the rent book and agree on a moving date.
“Tommy don’t be ridiculous, I can’t take that, it’s yours.” she was staring in amazement at the two thousand five hundred pounds I’d just put in her hand.
“Don’t let’s argue mum,” I said and pressed her hands around the money. “I didn’t expect a penny for bringing Jill her this morning, but she insisted, so now, we’re both a lot better off than we were yesterday.”
“Bloody hell,” she said and kissed me. “You don’t half rabbit on when you get on your high horse don’t you?”
Joe and Jill came back and the excited girl waved a rent book under our noses.
“Look, a month in advance, all paid in cash.”
“No bond Joe, for breakages or anything?” I asked and he grinned.
“There’s nowt to break Tommy, besides mate, if she’s half as good a tenant as you’ve been, she’ll do for me.”
“I thought all you Asian guys were supposed to grab every penny?” I laughed teasingly.
“I know mate, I know,” he looked down at the floor. “It’s sad really, I’m a bloody disgrace to the society of Asian shopkeepers aren’t I?”
We all laughed and Jill kissed him on the cheek.
“Well, I happen to think that you’re a very nice man Joe, so there!”
He suddenly remembered a million things he had to do in the back room and shook all our hands.
“Don’t be a stranger Tommy, or you Polly, see you soon Jill.” and he disappeared.
“You’ve embarrassed him,” mum said to Polly and laughed.
“She fancies him,” I added and she coloured up beautifully.
“Well, why not? He’s a bloody good looking bloke and he could charm the birds from the trees.”
“Or the panties off a randy bitch like you,” mum giggled and yelped as Jill pinched her backside.
“Home?” I asked as we left the shop and they looked at me in amazement.
“Are you mad? We’re going to get ourselves some retail therapy Tommy, some serious retail therapy.”
“Oh, I see, well, in that case, I think I’ll join you.”
“Great” they enthused, but mum took my arm and looked at me seriously,
“Just don’t spend it all though, will you? Our retail therapy is going to be so bloody intense, so absolutely fucking serious, that we may well need to borrow a couple of bob when we get home.”
Well they didn’t quite spend it all, but they had a bloody good go at it, our first call was a large furniture store just down the road from Joe’s shop where the manager thought it was his birthday when we walked in and he said.
“Good morning all, can I help you?”
Jill laughed and said that he probably could.
“Do you deliver free of charge?”
“Of course madam,” he replied, “what were you thinking of buying?”
Evading the question, she asked one of her own.
“Can you give me a notepad please?”
I had to admit it, he was completely unfazed by such an odd request and went into his little office, returning immediately with a loose-leaf pad.
“Everything I put on a page, I’ll buy.” Jill said solemnly, “After we’ve agreed to a discount for cash.”
“Very well madam.”
This guy was coolness itself!
A three piece suite was her first purchase, followed by a dining room suite, then a king size bed.
“For when I have my SPECIAL friends over.” she laughed.
A single bed was next, then a couple of kitchen stools, a double and a single wardrobe, a dressing table, a desk and chair, a bedside cabinet and many more minor items too numerous to mention.
“Will that be all madam?”
Talk about bloody cool.
“Yes thank you, at least for now.”
“Now about discount madam.”
“Ten percent.”
“Five.”
“Seven and a half.”
“Done.”
It took him all of half an hour to go round and add up the total cost, closely followed by Jill doing exactly the same thing.
“That comes to four thousand eight hundred and eighty-two pounds madam.”
Mum and I gulped noisily as his pencil worked overtime.
“Less the discount of seven and a half percent, which is – – -.”
“Six hundred and ten pounds, twenty-five pence,” said Jill and he actually smiled.
“Quite madam.”
“Which leaves a balance of four thousand, two hundred and seventy-one pounds, seventy-five pence.”
That did it, he laughed out loud.
“You’re very quick madam.”
Madam handed over the cash in fifties and twenties and pocketed her receipt,
“I should be quick,” she laughed, “I used to be a bank robber,” and he laughed again.
“All I can say, madam, is that you must have been a good one.”
Mum and I were practically choking behind him, I couldn’t believe she’d said that!
They agreed on delivery for the following afternoon and I was still chuckling when we left the shop.
“You need your bloody head looking at.” I laughed and she nodded in agreement.
“I couldn’t help it.”
We split up then, the girls wanted to do some girly shopping, and I had a few purchases of my own in mind anyway, so they said they’d treat themselves to a taxi.
It was like Christmas day when they arrived four hours later, even after a hefty tip the cabbie kept in the role of the traditional British cabbie by moaning about his bad back as he carted load after load of parcels up the stairs to the flat.
(Author’s note: Sorry about that, to any cabbies out there, but that was my occupation too, so I know just how true it is.)
This time mum hadn’t needed to go to a discount store for her clothes, both of them had gone mad on dresses, skirts, shorts, jeans, blouses, etc., etc.
They’d bought jewellery, makeup and perfume, you name it, they’d got it, but the best fun was when they opened the bags they’d filled with goodies from a sex shop.
Each girl had got a black rubber mini dress, black rubber corset and black rubber stockings, they’d bought dildo’s, vibrators, stockings, suspender belts and even a harness affair that fitted around the wearer’s head, but with a rather menacing looking rubber penis that fitted over the mouth.
“I hope you’re ready for a bit of fun tonight,” mum giggled. “‘Cos there are two hot and horny girls here, who are going to use and abuse you.”
“And then toss me aside,” I laughed and handed them each a tiny box.
They did exactly what I knew they would, they cried and hugged me when they took out identical gold necklaces with a gold heart-shaped pendant and inscribed, To a special lady from Tommy with love.
A car horn blasted us out of our three-way embrace and they jumped up to the front window.
“It’s for you,” mum said and sat down again.
“Eh?”
“It’s for you, some bloke down there seems to want you.”
I looked down into the street and saw a man leaning against a Volvo estate car, ( station wagon to my American friends.) waving at me to go down.
“Who the hell’s that?” I said as I went out the door.
“Mr. Smith?”
“That’s me,” I said, still in the dark.
“Sign ‘ere mate.”
“Sign what?”
He sighed heavily and thrust a bulky envelope towards me with a receipt on the top.
“Come on mate, I’m a busy man, just sign the bloody delivery ticket, will you? The logbook and m.o.t are in there too.”
I heard mum and Jill behind me, mum said softly.
“Sign for the delivery of your car Tommy.”
I signed with a shaking hand and he got into another waiting car.
Mum kissed one cheek and Jill kissed the other.
“It’s not new Tommy,” said Jill.
“But it’s in lovely condition, you’ll need it for your allotment,” added mum.
I’m not ashamed to say that I stood there in the middle of the pavement and cried like a baby.
