Scarsdale, NY: Sunday 21st December 2014
Two voices, pushing me in opposite directions
I’d had a strange feeling as I’d watched how Sue reacted to Francis as they laughed and flirted in the bar. At first, I’d thought it was all just part of the game we were playing, done for my benefit.
But as I’d watched Sue, my gut told me she’d forgotten that the camera was there and that what I was seeing was the real Sue. As they talked and laughed, throwing off a hundred little signs of how she was attracted to Francis, this was the real Sue.
And then she’d made that call. Hardly recognizable as the same woman as earlier, who I had to persuade to go on this dinner date with Francis. Earlier she’d been the one who had looked me in the eye and told me this was nothing more than a dance, and would never be repeated.
And now she’d called me and suggested that we throw all of this caution out of the window, moving from our harmless game of flirting to living out our bedroom fantasies for real. Inviting Francis to join us in our bedroom, so that after years of fantasies I could see her with another man, and she could experience one of her ultimate fantasies of being with two men.
As I tried to process what I’d just seen and heard, I sat feeling totally and utterly stunned, mentally paralyzed and unable to think straight. Until then, knowing they were out together and receiving the odd text and photo had been a bittersweet experience of torment and arousal. But what Sue was suggesting was something on an altogether different plain.
She was suggesting changing our harmless bedroom fantasies, with role-played lovers and life-life dildos into a real-world experience. With made up characters replaced by a real living, breathing man. A fifty-year-old Nigerian doctor who was obviously attracted to my beautiful wife, and wouldn’t be controllable as you can control a character in a fantasy. If we did what Sue was suggesting, then we might experience all kinds of pleasures beyond our wildest dreams, but we might also be starting something that might eat away at and destroy our marriage.
I’m normally a logical and clear thinker, but at that moment I was mentally paralyzed. My mind just wouldn’t work properly, overwhelmed by the enormity of the decision. For half my life I’d been deeply insecure, and then I’d built a wonderful life with this amazing woman. And now she was asking me to take a decision that might destroy every good thing in my life. Everything I’d won and carefully nurtured these last twenty years.
I closed my eyes, my heart pumping like it was going to jump out of my chest and wondered what the hell I was going to do. In my mind’s eye, I could still see the excited way in which Sue had been with Francis in the bar, when I’d first noticed the change and just how much my wife was into Francis. I recalled how animated and excited she’d looked when she phoned me with her suggestion.
Knowing how eager Sue was to bring Francis into our bedroom, only made my decision harder. Remembering how besotted she’d looked at the bar as they talked only made the whole idea of letting Sue go with Francis more insanely hot. It was every fantasy I’d ever played over in my mind rolled into one. The ultimate high. But at the same time I had this gnawing fear, that if Sue was that excited about this man after just two evenings of dancing, how strong would this attraction become if they actually became lovers. And this fear ate into my soul, just as it drove me to new heights of excitement.
I looked at the clock. They’d be here in a few minutes, and I still had no idea what I was going to tell Sue. I felt like a man being literally torn down the middle, as fear pulled me in one direction and excitement pulled me in the other.
And then, ever so gradually I felt a feeling start to rise within me. I’d not felt its influence much since I’d met Sue and started out on our happy journey together. It was a voice within my head telling me to live for today and hang the consequences. Let tomorrow look after tomorrow, grab the pleasures that were on offer today. It was a voice of self-destructive short-termism, a voice that every addict the world over knows.
Part of me tried to fight and deny this voice, but something in my make-up allowed that voice to grow stronger and stronger, until I knew exactly what I would do when Sue arrived. I’d let the demons within, which I’d controlled these last twenty years, have their head. I knew at that moment that when Francis and Sue arrived, I’d agree to her suggestion, and hand her over to Francis for the rest of the night.
I closed my eyes again, trying to calm myself and stop myself shaking. As I opened my eyes, I looked at the clock, moving at a glacial pace. My mind played tricks on me, telling me that I’d change my mind and claim Sue for myself. But in the depths of my being, I knew that I’d chosen our path and there was no going back. I wanted Sue to be Francis’ woman tonight.
Crying
It seemed to take forever, but eventually, I heard a key in the front door and I looked up to see Sue. She looked incredibly nervous. The moment she saw me she threw herself into my arms and gave me a huge hug, the gentle sound of her sobbing making me wonder what had happened.
I wrapped her in my arms and waited.
As I waited, I thought how good her warm body felt next to mine, how the smell of her hair brought back so many memories of day’s started and evenings together. I stroked her hair and held her close, and finally, she pulled back a little so we could look at each other.
“I can’t do it.”
I felt like crying. Crying with laughter. Crying with relief. Crying with frustration.
I’d been fighting a war within my head, and the demons had won, and I was fired up and excited to give my beautiful wife to another man. A twenty-year fantasy about to come to fruition, for good or bad. And now, having marched me to the top of the hill, with four little words my sweet wife had marched me all the way back down.
I lifted my head to the ceiling and laughed out loud, Sue looking at me as if I was some kind of demented lunatic. She wasn’t far wrong.
I squeezed her tight, holding her like I never wanted to let her go, lest she and these last twenty years of happiness disappear as if they’d never been.
I kissed her with urgency and need, and then smiled as I explained.
“Honey, I’ve been to hell and back since you called. Trying to decide what to do. And finally I decided to come down on the side of the devil, and then you tell me you’ve changed your mind and can’t go through with it!”
Sue looked confused. “So what are you telling me. Are you mad at me? Do you want me to do it anyway?”
“No, that’s not what I’m saying, honey. I’m laughing at the irony. At life. At how damned ironic and funny this is.”
Then I pulled her to me again. I never wanted to let this woman go. I clung to her, as finally, relief surged through my body, at a possible bullet we’d just dodged. And I felt Sue’s hands at the nape of my neck, as she now held me, a couple mirrored together in their feelings.
Eventually, although neither wanted it, I slowly eased us apart. There was a limo to be dismissed and a friend to be wished a Merry Christmas.
Sharing and soul-searching
That night was one of the most emotional nights of love-making that Sue and I had experienced in many a year. Everything came together as one. The release from not one but two nights of flirting and teasing, playing with a twenty-year-old obsession. The excitement that came from Sue’s obvious strong attraction to Francis, and the excitement that I felt as I watched this attraction. And most of all from the sense of relief that came from a bullet dodged. We’d both been so high and fired-up that we’d both wanted to step across the line, but at the last minute my sensible and beautiful woman had held my hand and pulled us back to safety.
All of these feelings swirled together within both of us as Sue, and I held each other and made wild passionate love. Held each other and then made love again, until all was still and it was just the two of us, the demons flown away.
It was late and we were tired and now physically exhausted, so talking could wait until the morning, as we drifted off to sleep, cradling each other and comforted.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
As the wintery morning sun drifted into our bedroom, I felt a hand stroking my hair and I woke to the vision of my smiling wife looking down at me. A life that couldn’t have been better got better, as Sue bent down to give me the softest and most tender of kisses.
“I love you, Peter Jones.”
I smiled back and reached up to touch the face that meant so much to me.
“I love you, baby.”
We just looked at each other, not needing to talk to share our feelings.
And then the dam burst, with me being the one who removed my finger from the levee as I smiled up at Sue and shared the first home truth of the day.
“You were so into Francis last night, Sue honey. Watching you in the bar last night, it was so damned hot, so damned painful, watching how you were with him.”
Sue blushed, momentarily lost for words. Then with a wicked but confused little smile, she asked me, “But you enjoyed it, right? Seeing me like that, with another man? With Francis?”
“It drove me crazy, honey. Seeing the way you looked at him. The way you gazed into his eyes, laughed at all his jokes, The way you played with your hair, and sent him a million little signs of how much you wanted him.”
Sue grinned impishly, not denying a word of my remembered description. “It’s just the way he held me, danced with me and looked at me.”
Then she went quiet as her expression changed, suddenly more wistful and serious. She looked at me but at the same time looked past me, to her memories from last night. “We talked, really talked, Pete. And I got to really know the man. We talked about his pain, his loneliness. How he’d felt his heart break in two, watching his wife suffer and then leave him alone, to care for the children they loved.”
And I could see just a few tears in this loving woman’s eyes as it all came back to her, the pain she’d listened to and shared. Through those tears, she forced herself to complete the story. “And then when he talked about that alone-ness, not being with a woman in any way since Heidi passed, not able to want someone again, my heart went out to him and I wanted to help take that pain away.”
She held my hand, her eyes watery with emotion. “And I couldn’t resist, honey. This handsome, broken-hearted man, who made me laugh, and danced with me and held me close. I just wanted to give myself to him, to make it better, to make love to him. To help him remember Heidi and the good times.”
I was so lost in Sue’s heart-breaking description of the evening that I didn’t realize she’d stopped talking and was looking at me, waiting for me to say or do something. For long moments I didn’t know what to say. All I could do was touch her face and look into her eyes.
“Sorry, honey. Can you forgive me?” she asked with a guilty look.
“Sue, darling, there’s absolutely nothing to forgive. That’s one of the many reasons why I love you so much. You’re one of the most loving and kind people I know, and that’s why Donovan and I are so lucky to have you in our lives. Honey, you can’t just turn it on and off. You spent two evenings with a really nice guy who shared his pain, and all the time we were playing our little game. A game that I started, and things just headed in a very natural direction. There’s absolutely nothing for you to feel bad or guilty about, baby.”
Sue beamed at me and kissed me, and again I was overwhelmed with just how much I loved this woman. And then that impish grin returned as she quizzed me. “So, Peter Jones, you were ready to let your sweet wife go to bed with another man, were you? A big, black Nigerian man?”
She made no attempt to hide her excitement as she teased me, and I confessed how excited I’d been, and how after the war within me I’d decided to give her to Francis and hang the consequences. Sue smiled wickedly as she heard my confession, and then as her smooth hand gently stroked me, she whispered in my ear, “Let’s make love, honey. You, me and ‘Sean’. Or should I say ‘Francis’.”
I kissed her softly as my hand played with her nipple, already excited before my touch. I reached into the nightstand to bring her black seven-inch toy out to play, knowing that ‘Sean’ was now ‘Francis’ for the foreseeable future.
A life so normal, a man obsessed
‘Francis’ our newly christened toy was a frequent visitor to my wife’s body over that Christmas and New Year period as 2014 rolled into 2015.
But we saw little of the real Francis in the next couple of weeks as we were all so busy. Donovan was back at home for the vacations, or holidays as he now called them. And Francis was busy with his three grown children who’d returned home to make sure their dad was okay and not too lonely.
The only contact we had with Francis in the month after the fundraiser was when Sue went to the shelter. Being an operating room nurse, Sue was luckier than many of her colleagues. Only emergency procedures were carried out over the holidays, so my wife was able to spend time with Donovan and also still visit the shelter three nights a week.
Francis wasn’t part of the roster on Friday nights when we worked there as a family, but he worked there on Tuesdays, Thursdays and Sundays, and so he and Sue saw each other twice a week during the two-weekday rosters.
As I expected, Donovan was spending most of his time catching up with friends and seeing his cousins. So it was no surprise that that on the two evenings a week when Sue headed off to the shelter without us, I was left alone with only my own thoughts for company. After what had happened after the gala, no sooner was Sue out the door than my mind was filled with all kinds of images of what she and Francis might be getting up to at the shelter.
From my own experiences there, I knew that in reality Sue and Francis would have little time for flirting or any kind of love games. They’d be up to their neck in cooking, washing dishes and all the other tasks to keep the shelter running smoothly. But that’s not how I saw things in my minds’ eye, as I pictured them flirting and kissing and making out.
My mind ran riot, filled with images of what it would have looked like if the night after the gala had ended as I’d intended. I pictured them sneaking off to a storeroom somewhere in the shelter, and the two of them unable to control their passion as Sue hoisted her dress, and Francis forced himself into my wife’s welcoming body. I pictured him playing with and sucking on Sue’s big boobs, as her hand stroked up and down his big black cock, just as she normally stroked me.
In the movie playing in my mind, Francis’ cock was always huge. Much bigger than mine, both in girth and length, with Sue struggling at first to take all of him, before adjusting and finding him better than any other cock she’d ever known. It was like my mind was merging every fantasy I’d ever had, and every game Sue and I had ever played in bed. And projecting all of this excitement and desire onto Francis and Sue.
Her first trip to the shelter without me was only three nights after that gala night which had brought my adolescent fantasies roaring back to life. And when Sue returned at the end of her shift, I couldn’t help myself as I needed to know all of the details of the evening and her interactions with Francis.
As she listened to my questions, Sue soon picked up on why I was asking, and despite her tiredness, I saw that playful smile of her’s return to her face as she teased and played with me. Every night she returned, we’d play the same game, with Sue telling me made up stories of their flirting and making out. And every night would end the same way, with ‘plastic Francis’ visiting Sue’s body as she writhed and moaned and told me how good Francis was and how she wanted him again and again.
Reflections and a triggered conversation
In my more reflective moments, I realized how much I’d become obsessed with the idea of Sue and Francis being together. As I pondered this realization, I knew that the way that the whole gala evening had played out had only made things worse for me.
That night I’d fought my demons and lost, taking the decision to give Sue to Francis and deal with the aftermath later. But having taken this momentous decision, I’d then been denied the high that the addict in me craved. And every passing day that I knew they were together in the shelter just made it worse – making my craving stronger.
At first, I just fantasized about them together at the shelter and the stolen moments they could enjoy. But then after the New Year both Sue and Francis went back to work, and my obsession-addled brain had a new game to play. Knowing they were both working in the same hospital, I started imagining lunch-time or post-work assignations.
Donovan had now flown back to the UK for his studies, and I’d started back at work. But I found it impossible to concentrate as my mind kept thinking of Sue and Francis together in the same hospital and all of the possibilities that provided for the two of them. I’d manage to concentrate on my work for maybe fifteen or twenty minutes, and then I’d start day-dreaming of locked office doors and do not disturb signs. Of stereotypical crisp white nurses uniforms, of overly short skirts pushed up over Sue’s shapely ass as she was bent over Francis’ desk and fucked within an inch of her life.
These pictures and fantasies would repeat, over and over again through the day. And they’re indirectly responsible for a conversation and life-changing decision that Sue and I were about to make.
It was just over a week after I’d started back at work. I can remember the exact date as it was the thirteenth of January, which I’d later recall and wonder if this ‘unlucky’ date was responsible for some of the things we experienced. It was a Tuesday evening when Sue had just returned from her shift at the shelter. We’d just finished our normal teasing and role-playing ‘Francis’ game and we were cuddling in bed afterwards, and I started a conversation that at the time seemed so inconsequential.
“Sue, honey, do you ever think of meeting up with Francis at work, you know, for coffee or lunch?”
Sue had been relaxing after a couple of intense orgasms, her head peacefully resting on my chest. Hearing my question, she said nothing for a few moments and I wondered if she’d actually heard me. I was about to ask her again when she turned her body and looked at me in a way that meant a serious conversation was coming.
“Pete, honey, I love the game that we’re playing, but I think you and I need to have a talk about what it is you really want.”
I felt a lump in my throat. I was already feeling pretty nervous, having had to screw my courage up to ask her my question, but now I was really on edge as I sensed what Sue wanted to talk about.
“Honey, you have to admit you’ve become totally obsessed about Francis and me. I love the game we’re playing and how excited it makes you and the great sex we have. But what you’ve just asked me tells me that I don’t think you’re ever going to be happy until you’ve actually pushed me into Francis’ bed for real.”
Our eyes were locked together, and Sue was looking at me with a mix of love and pity. As my heart pounded and I wondered what to say, I knew deep down that she’d called it right. Her eyes held that pity for me as she’d seen the addict within me that wouldn’t be happy until I got the hit that I was craving. A smart woman who I loved with my very soul, my last question had triggered her to say out loud what I suspected we both knew in our hearts.
I can’t remember every detail of the conversation that Sue and I had for the rest of that evening, but it ranged far and wide before we eventually reached some kind of conclusion. Sue was very gentle as she forced me to look inward and answer the question she’d posed. Whether or not I’d ever be happy unless I pushed her and Francis together.
Part of me tried to avoid answering this question, but with Sue’s gentle persistence, in the end, I had to admit to both Sue and myself that she was right. I’d reached a place where the genie was well and truly out of the bottle, and couldn’t be forced back in by anything short of the addict getting the fix that my soul craved.
I’m ashamed to admit that for long parts of this conversation I was quite self-centered and inward-looking, thinking only of my own fears and needs and thinking little of Sue’s side of things. Thankfully she was wise enough to force us to discuss her side of the situation.
Hearing your wife talk about how attractive she finds another man is a little bit strange for any man, even when you’re just discussing a guy in a movie or a guy she saw at the mall or at a party. But when you’re talking about a prospective lover, and the attraction is overlaid with how your wife admires and feels close to the other guy, then it feels like your gut is being put through a blender. But to a man like me, it’s a delicious pain and one that only drove me on to want to hear more details, so that I could savor the bittersweet pleasure.
Sue didn’t mean to intentionally hurt me. But nor did she hold back as she described how she found Francis so handsome and virile, even using the expression ‘a girl’s wet dream’ to describe how the other nurses talked about him. But each word did hurt me, but by a narrow margin, the excitement it gave me was more powerful.
And then I asked the question that haunted and excited me beyond all else. “After all the games we’ve played, and all our fantasies, do you want to be with him for real?”
And my beautiful wife held my hand tightly, looked into my eyes and answered me from her heart.
“Yes, Pete. I do want to be with him. Both for myself, and because I don’t think that you and I can move on until we’ve done this thing. It’s out there like a road-block in our lives, and we can’t move on until we’ve tasted it and discovered we either love it or hate it.”
Hearing her honest, heartfelt confession added to my own admission of what I wanted, we just held each other and let it sink in, both aware that we’d crossed a huge watershed in our lives.
But as she’s always done in our marriage and family life, Sue forced us to face up to the risks and to talk practically about how we might move this thing forward. We certainly weren’t so stupid as to think there were no risks involved in what we were contemplating. But as we talked them through, we realized we had to take this thing slowly, both grateful that we’d not jumped into things after the gala night high.
We also decided we had to be open with Francis about this, to treat our new friend with respect and care. He might have been the fantasy guy in our bed-time games, but he was also a very real human being, recently widowed and vulnerable.
Francis already knew we enjoyed the game of me watching Sue dancing and flirting with other guys, and so we reckoned he’d not be surprised if we talked about Sue and I possibly being interested in taking things further. But there was still the conundrum of how to raise such a delicate subject with him and then move things forward.
It was my smart and resourceful wife who came up with the solution to this problem when she remembered that every Friday night a gang of nurses at the hospital let their hair down going out clubbing. She knew a few of the younger single doctors went as well, and so she thought it wouldn’t be too hard for her and Francis to tag along.
As she described her idea, I found myself getting incredibly hard, but I couldn’t stop thinking about one little problem. Wouldn’t she and Francis become the subject of hospital gossip if they spent all night dancing together?
She smiled in a way that I’ll never forget, as she stroked my hardening cock.
“You’re kidding, right? Virtually half of the doctors are screwing one nurse or other! Who’s going to notice one more affair in that place?”
