If like me, you are an avid reader of popular self-help literature, you may know there are three people living inside your mind.
The first is you. The sensible adult. The responsible you who is navigating their way through life in the best way they can. Applying societal rules and norms, endeavouring to fulfil the potential that life has to offer.
The second is your computer. As you would expect, this is a boring, nerd-like component of your psyche that takes the information you feed into your brain and files it away somewhere, ready to be reappropriated at exactly the right time (or inconsistently if you’re like me and always come last in pub quizzes).
The third ‘person’ to inhabit your mind is all about instinct, surveying the landscape, seeking out evidence for possible dangers and filling in the gaps where there is none. Illogical, unreasonable, emotional and paranoid, they can jump to conclusions and catastrophise at the slightest opportunity, reacting on impulse, often irrationally, always emotionally. This generally results in confusion, exhaustion and regret once the dust settles and reality is revealed. Sound familiar at all? This is your chimp.
Now please don’t get cross with me. I didn’t say this is about your chimp, this is just how all chimps are apparently, and I won’t get the slightest bit affronted if you disagree with me.
Anyway, this describes my chimp perfectly, and in the last few months it has taken over, running amok and creating quite a bit of chaos in my life. I’ve found myself jealously guarding all that is important to me, convinced that at any moment it will be ‘stolen.’ Everything going on around me seeming to be a personal threat, all perspective lost, as I’ve spent hours seeking out the most tenuous pieces of evidence to confirm my fears. Nights have been spent alternating between fretting over the future or plotting revenge over imagined slights that never even happened, and deep shame and self-hatred for acting so impulsively.
To be honest, I was quite exhausted. Having all this churning, angry, destructive jealousy dwelling inside me made me feel very uncomfortable, so I felt it might be easier to pull my chimp out of my body and sit it down to have words.
At first, I had assumed that my chimp would be male due to its aggressive, competitive and caustic behaviour, but when I finally sat it down on my lap, I saw a defiant petulant girl, eyes blazing, teeth barred ready for a fight. This little madam was definitely of the female variety. I looked into her eyes and saw my ego glaring back at me.
Now I’ve been warned that chimps are five times stronger than we are, so armouring up and engaging in a battle will likely have poor consequences. As I eyed my feisty, infuriated chimp I considered the best approach to take with her and decided to try the gentle touch.
”You’ve not been very helpful recently, have you? What’s up?” I asked tentatively.
She eyed me suspiciously, and then recalled every paranoid slight, comment, assumption and worst fear that had been churning through my brain over the last few months.
“Yes, yes, I know all about the evil, hateful people that have been put on this planet just to make us miserable, all the terrible luck we’ve had, all the failures we will likely incur, and the countless worries and concerns we need to prepare ourselves for, particularly in these crazy times. But you’ve not been making it easier for us, creating irrational scenarios, causing arguments, being mean to people who didn’t deserve it, feeling unbearably sorry for ourselves. What’s up?” I repeated.
She shifted nervously in my lap, and if I didn’t know any better, I would say I saw the slightest glint of guilt creep into her eyes. Then she bucked up, trying to justify her poor behaviour.
“Ah, I see. You’ve been trying to protect us from danger. Well, that’s kind.” I paused, thinking slowly. “Thank you.”
I saw her visibly relax a little, as she snuggled closer to my body.
“Do you need a hug?” I asked my chimp.
She looked up at me with these adorable wide eyes and nodded slowly, so I wrapped my arms around her chunky fur-covered body and pulled her in close. I ran my fingers through her soft brown hair, stroking away the tension and anger in her funny furry little form.
“Is that better?” I asked her.
She looked up at me all doleful and quite frankly a little irresistibly and nodded again. I hugged her tighter.
That evening, we sat outside for hours, snuggled together for warmth, as I forgave her for all her sins. I explained that while other people might think she was a crazy lunatic, I could completely see where she was coming from and that she made total sense to me.
As she snuggled closer, her arms gripped vice-like around my neck, clearly seeking the security she so craved. We discussed how, perhaps in the future, it might be better to come to me first, shrieking and screaming if necessary, to talk through whatever was bothering her. I explained that this was much more preferable to marching straight into an argument, or spending days fretting and worrying about what would most likely come to nothing. We considered all the fun we might have together if we weren’t spending so much time causing trouble for ourselves, and we agreed that we should definitely spend more time dancing – a lot more time dancing. That certainly perked her up.
Over the days and weeks that followed, things settled down a lot. Whenever a negative thought popped into my mind, I’d pull out my chimp, have a little chat with her and allay all her fears. I found myself driving around with her in my lap, both of us thinking up the best insults for all the crazy drivers on the road. I’d listen carefully and then laugh gently at her when she’d get all tense and aggressive if she thought we could be under attack.
There was one thing that still bothered me though. Apparently, your chimp, although immature and often unhelpful, has the very important task of being in charge of all your drives. This includes survival which incorporates eating, security and sex. Now sex is a big one. After all, the species is at stake. And let’s not forget all the pleasurable, sexy and erotic side effects that are thrown in for free.
Evidently, it is the chimp, if left unsupervised, that can get carried away with the sex drive, causing all manner of chaos, promiscuity, depravity, infidelity and deception in search of sexual satiation. Now, this is where my chimp appeared to be a little faulty. All the times she had been rampaging wildly through my brain, taking a firm grip on my life, she had completely neglected my sex drive. She seemed to guard it like a fortress. Not allowing anyone in who wasn’t worthy, immediately suspicious of any interlopers who dared attempt to strip me of my carefully constructed and closely protected armour.
One Saturday morning, I was eyeing my chimp, happily lap-sitting and humming to herself quietly.
“Why aren’t you more sex-obsessed?” I asked her.
She looked up at me, narrowing her eyes. Immediately on the defence.
“You’re meant to lead me astray. Get me into more trouble. Drag me into dangerous and sexy adventures in search of more and more satisfaction. Why don’t you do that? Everyone else’s chimps seem to do that and they have much more fun.”
Now I’ll admit, that last sentence probably came from the chimp as that is the kind of thing she would say. Constantly comparing us to others is one of her more highly developed skills.
Her eyes looked at me questioningly, she was clearly thinking about this considerable oversight on her part.
She started fidgeting in her seat, looking awkward and uncomfortable. I stared her down, waiting for an answer.
“Worrying about getting hurt is a bullshit, whiney answer. It’s just fucking. Fucking is meant to be fun. It doesn’t have to mean anything.” Now it was me that was getting agitated.
I saw her eyes blaze with fury. She was getting exercised. I continued on anyway, looking for a fight. I didn’t want to let this go. I wanted to put her on the spot.
“And anyway, you’re meant to be ruled by your impulses. You shouldn’t be caring about the consequences when it comes to sex. You don’t seem to care about it when it comes to your other bad behaviours. I’m meant to be the sensible boring one.”
“Remember the other week? When that handsome Adam from accounts was getting us drunk after work? We went outside for a quick fumble, his hands were all over us, pushing us up against the wall. I was going great guns rubbing his hard, throbbing cock through his trousers. And I was really enjoying it when he pulled my top up, pushed my bra down and started sucking on my tits. I was all ready to give him a blow job, but you panicked. Made up some silly excuse and we had to run away. What do you say to that?”
She considered this, and assumed a conciliatory expression.
“Yes, I know we like strong, sexy, domineering women. Is that because their voices are louder than yours? They silence you with their authority? They make you go weak as a kitten, have us quivering with lust, desperate to sink to our knees and beg to be used?”
Her eyes widened and she smiled wickedly at the thought.
“Now don’t you get carried away. Come back here, we haven’t finished discussing this,” I interrupted her as her little mind was sinking into bliss.
“That’s no good. We have no control over them. They just make you go all needy, clingy and insecure. We hate that. We need to take back some control.”
She looked up at me aghast.
“Oh no, not control back from them. That wouldn’t be any fun at all. And anyway, that would just earn us a stingy, spanked, reddened bottom.”
Both of us gazed off into space for a moment, smiling at the thought.
I brought us both back to reality.
“You’re scared, that’s what it is. You’re scared that if we go off looking for trouble, we might actually find some. And where would that leave us? All vulnerable and exposed.”
We both contemplated this unappealing outcome, sinking back into our seats.
“What we need is practice. We need to remember how much fun fucking is, and disconnect it from all the other shit you’ve got going on in our head.”
She looked at me speculatively.
“Well, how would I know where to start? You’re the one in control of the sex drive,” I asked, exasperated.
Suddenly she jumped up in my lap, fluttered her pretty eyelashes and then turned her back to me, wiggling her shapely bottom in my face.
“No, no,” I shouted at her. “That is completely inappropriate,” I shuddered. “I don’t want to have sex with you! You’re my chimp.”
She slowly turned, hanging her head and visibly pouting.
“I’m sorry, but that’s clearly not natural. We couldn’t possibly do that.”
We both sat in silence for a moment, confused about who had said the last sentence.
“Are you completely sure?” One of us said, but at this point, it wasn’t clear who.
Sitting back down, she assumed her now-familiar insecure position, snuggling close to my body, wrapping her fingers in my hair, twirling the strands around her black padded digits.
She looked up at me from under her lashes as she began to stroke her fur covered cheek against mine. Then, still staring into my eyes, she placed the softest kiss upon my cheek. Before I knew it, I felt a warm, wet sensation on my ear lobe, as she gently started nibbling the delicate sensitive flesh.
I made a half-hearted attempt to push her away, giggling slightly awkwardly. But she was stronger than me and held my arms tightly by my side as she moved her thick but surprisingly soft lips down my neck, caressing and nibbling the taut flesh along my collar bone.
I was squirming slightly, deeply uncomfortable at such close and intimate proximity. She looked sternly into my eyes with a clear unspoken instruction not to move my arms as she released her grip. I watched in morbid fascination as she slowly unfastened my shirt, her large fingers dextrously uncoupling each button, and then liberating the shirt from my shoulders.
Her hands began to tentatively drift over my body, slowly stroking my quivering skin. She caressed my sides and reached round my back as she unclasped my bra, discarding it carelessly. She slid her strong hands back along my arms, reminding me to keep them at my side, as began to run her fingers over my breasts, letting them fall heavy in her large, leathery palms.
I bit my bottom lips as I felt my nipples begin to tingle and harden as she rubbed a rough thumb over their tips, and I had to squeeze my legs together, squirming as I felt twinges deep in my core. She smirked at me as she tugged on my nipples, teasing, pinching and pulling on them. Trying and failing to suppress a moan she smiled at me, eyes glinting with mischief as she bent her head to suckle on a nipple.
My body responded helplessly, arching my back, my thighs parting as if stretched wide by magnets, her large slobbering tongue lashing my nipples. Her padded fingers sashayed down my stomach and into my panties, gliding along my already slickened labia. Resistance fully abandoned I spread my thighs wider as she slid a fur-covered finger deep inside me, her thumb circling my throbbing clitoris.
Throwing my head back, panting uncontrollably, I rocked my hips against her solid, chubby fingers, as they delved deeper and deeper into my core, caressing my warm wet walls as they gripped her digits. She started to fuck me slowly, squelching noises audible from my wet dripping cunt, gathering speed as her pistoning kept time with my thrusting hips. I felt the heat build throughout my body as it started to shudder as my orgasm overwhelmed me.
Coming back down to earth, my breath slowly returning to normal, I watched as she pulled her fingers out of me, bringing them up to her cute mischievous mouth, before popping them inside to lick off my juices. She smiled up at me, before snuggling back into my chest to resume her cuddle.
We both sat in silence, complicit in our contemplation.
We lit a cigarette.
“So, pub on Friday then?”
