The next time you’re out skarkin’, you’ll smile and hope that what your friends have told you is true, that with your smile, you don’t need a line. Your smile doesn’t need an introduction. She’ll smile back, and you’ll get to tell her what you need and what you want.
You will tell her that you want a woman who will walk along the same path in life with you, sometimes led and sometimes leading. You will tell her that what you really want is to constantly walk forward on that path with her—never stopping, never looking back. You want to walk comfortably at the same pace with her, hand-in-hand.
You will look into her eyes and say with all the sincerity in your heart that you want this woman to be your best friend.
“I want this woman to never disappear,” you’ll say. “Never ending.” You do not stop or back-track, you’ll warn her.
A little humbly, you’ll admit that you want a woman that you can understand. You’ll add that you want a woman who can understand you. You want to share the same language and to communicate constantly, even during the silences.
You need someone to hear all the things you have not said.
You just might surprise her by telling her that you want this woman to refuse to compromise. You’ll explain that you want this woman to have the same wants as you. You never want to be disappointed; you never want her to be disappointed, either.
Maybe as you take a sip from your Paddy’s neat, you’ll tell her that you want to be able to love this woman without limitations and to have her love you back the same way.
“I want to agree on boundaries,” you’ll say.
You’re hoping that by this point, she’ll be hooked, that you’ll have her undivided attention.
You’ll smile and say with enthusiasm that what you really want is a woman with a contagious smile, just like yours. You want her smile to always be genuine, just like yours. You want a woman who gets visibly excited when she sees you. You love a big smile, kiss, and hug when it’s been a little while since you’ve seen each other.
You are going to tell her that this woman should have a sensual laugh. It’s important that she can laugh with you. With another smile, you add that you want someone with a sometimes crass sense of humor like yours. You want her to laugh at things like the SNL Pete Schweddy skit.
After a short pause, you might admit that you want a woman who’s not afraid to let you see her cry. You’ll tell her that you want a woman who’s soft in all the right places in her body, mind, and soul.
The laughter and smiles segue into discussing your Sunday mornings. You’d like someone to clip coupons with on Sunday morning. You go to mass every Sunday, you explain. You’d like a woman who wants to go to mass with you on Sunday, even if it’s just to spend another hour with you. You want a woman to pray over your meals with. You want a woman who sees God the same way that you do.
After another sip of Paddy’s, you admit that there’s a dichotomy of James. You pray the rosary when you feel the need; you look at porn when you feel the need.
Of course, she’ll want to hear about your need for a woman who’s a great kisser. You’ll oblige and tell her that you like lips with a little muscle in them, Lips that squeeze back. You want a woman who can match your kissing ability.
Of course, she herself will be a great kisser, and you’ll be lucky enough to experience just how good a kisser she is after you’ve recited your Gettysburg Mail Order Bride Checklist Address, or whatever it is that you decide to call it.
Wicked Weasel will be a required wardrobe item, even if it only makes an appearance in the bedroom. “Actually”, you’ll say, “that should be items and appearances, plural.” You want a woman who likes to wear lingerie. You want a woman who likes to wear a dress once in a while. Tongue in cheek, you’ll tell her that you want a woman who finds creative ways to avoid wearing sweatpants. You’ll finish that off with a smile and hint about your fantasy, one part button-down dress shirt, two parts Cuban-heeled stockings.
Hopefully, you’ll get the reaction you’ve been waiting for.
When she asks what this woman should look like, you’ll tell her that you want a beautiful woman. You want a woman who’s beautiful in your eyes. You want a woman who’s sexy. Redhead, blonde, brunette, you’re not picky. You just want your diamond in the rough—the beautiful poem every other guy has passed by that only makes people laugh and cry when read out loud with your voice. You want to be surprised by this woman. You want her to have a sensual voice, a sexy voice.
Chance, you understand, will need to somehow be involved. Maybe you’ll be lucky enough to recall one of your favorite quotes from Milan Kundera. Maybe you’ll be feeling just sassy enough to recite it to her.
Without missing a beat, you’ll tell her earnestly that you want a woman with a nice butt.
Now that you’ve got her reeled in, you’ll confide in her that you want a woman with whom you can share your circle of friends and family. You want a woman who can widen that circle. And, yeah, you want to actually like those people that she introduces to that circle.
You’ll add that you’re devoted to the woman you’re with. You have friends, some of whom are women. You need your friendships. You will include the woman you’re with in your life. You have a foundation that your life is built upon. You understand that she will, too. There are no emotional affairs. When you have a girlfriend, she comes first. You avoid situations that you think might make her jealous because you’re very much the same way. You run when you see smoke, and suspicion is just smoke over a fire. You’re honest. You’ll answer anything she asks, anything. You absolutely need the same thing back, though.
She’ll ask if you have any children, and you’ll find some witty way to tell her that you’ve got a teenage daughter, a tomboy who’s one of the toughest people you know. You want a woman who will fall in love with your daughter the same way that you have. Maybe she’ll have a son or a daughter—you’ll be relieved that she doesn’t live in a shoe. You’ll look in her eyes and say with the utmost sincerity that you want a woman who will offer you the opportunity to share the love that you give to your daughter with her own children.
You want to have a family. You have to honestly say, though, that you’re done having children. You want your daughter and the children of whoever that special person is.
With some hesitation, you’ll tell her that you want a woman that you can share your hill with. She’ll ask what you mean, “Your hill?” Yes. Your hill, you’ll say. The majority of your backyard is a hill that rises above the rooftop of your home. You’ve carved a path that winds up the hill in the shape of an ‘S’. The path winds through trees, honeysuckle, and raspberry vines. At the top of the hill, there is a bench beneath a cherry tree. There was a sandbox close to the bench that you made for your daughter when she was younger. You took it out after her most recent birthday, and now it’s a fire pit. You have marshmallows, chocolate, and graham crackers ready.
Some day, you want to meet a woman who will lead you by the hand up the hill when you suggest the two of you go to the top of the hill and make love in a thunderstorm.
You’re hoping that will get the desired reaction.
You want a woman to spend time with at the top of your hill, even late at night.
You grow roses, you’ll tell her. You want a woman with whom you can share your roses. You’ll tell her about the Playboys, the Passionate Kisses, and the Dolly Partons. She’ll laugh when you tell her that you’ve planted Centerfold lilies beside the Playboy roses and that you’re still trying to grow your own Playboy Centerfold. You want a woman to grow roses, lilies, and lilacs with. You want a woman who likes fresh-cut roses on the table as much as you do.
“This is important,” you’ll say. You want a woman who will give something equally important as the hill or the roses back to you. You want this gift to come wrapped without having to ask for it, or even having to suggest it. The hill and roses are things, but they represent something more. They are pieces that complete you. When you hand them over, you’re letting her handle something delicate that holds together your sturdy frame. You want a woman who will make herself vulnerable enough to trust you to walk through her own delicate gate.
“I love looking out through the screen on my sliding glass door when it rains, especially when there’s a thunderstorm. I like to feel the rain sheet through the screen fall on my face and the smell of the rain when it’s hot. When I was in high school, I used to sit on the porch on the back of my parents’ house during thunderstorms and get lost in thought. I used to love the sound of the rain breathing through the trees and the gunshots of thunder.”
As you finish off your Paddy’s, you’ll look at your watch. Her glass will be empty, too—fortuities, you know. It will be late, but that won’t stop you from asking her if she’d like to go for coffee or go sit in a park, just because you’re enjoying the conversation.
Because she will be enjoying the conversation, too, and because you realize that she is special in her own way, she says she’d love to continue the conversation.
Walking behind her through this experiment in limits where you are slumming, this six a.m. Lower East Side of the soul on a lark, you see that she does indeed have an incredible backside.
On the way to your car, you’ll tell her that you like the Adirondacks, too. That your family had a cabin on Piseco Lake. It’s been a while since you’ve been there. After your marriage ended, you and your daughter would go up there with your parents for a weekend once in a while. You’d go horseback riding and fishing. You’d play golf and board games when you got bored. There was always a deck of cards waiting for a game of Rummy. Every night you’d go down to the beach and make a fire. There was a path down to the beach, very similar to the path on the hill in your own backyard. When the flames were wild enough, you’d invite everyone down to sit around the fire and talk. You’d listen to your father tell stories and add your own. One night, you sat in silence for two hours watching the Aurora Borealis dance across the midnight sky over the lake. You’ll tell her that that’s one of the most beautiful things you’ve ever seen.
On the ride to the coffee shop or park, you’ll tell her about the two chairs on your front lawn that you want to be able to sit in with someone special. You want to watch the sun go down and just breathe out the day next to this woman with an incredible backside. It’s ok to be silent once in a while, you’ll tell her. It doesn’t have to be uncomfortable. Maybe those silences will be a little more tolerable if you’re touching or looking at this woman you’ve been seeking.
You’ll tell her about your father’s convertible. It’s a Triumph TR6, and the first thing you think of when you see it is a large bumblebee. You want someone to ride in your father’s convertible with. You want to take it for a joy-ride with her while your parents are on vacation, just like you used to do in high school, Ferris Bueller style. You want to ride around with the top down with the stereo just loud enough to sing along or just listen to.
This woman that you’ve met will say that she’d like to do that with you sometime.
You’ll ask her if she’s ever been to Hedges. You want someone to go to the piano bar with. There’s a blind man who plays the piano. He can play anything. You just have to ask, you’ll tell her. You want to sit at the edge of the piano and watch the sun go down.
Maybe on the walk from the parking lot to the coffee shop or to the path to the park, you’ll ask to kiss this woman that you’ve been sharing the description of your dream girl with. You’ll know in that moment if the woman you’ve been describing is the same woman you’ve got your mouth on now.
Over coffee, or on a park bench, you’ll tell her that you’re hoping to find all the qualities that you like in other women in the woman you’ve hoped to meet. You’re careful with your words, but at this point, you’ve really got nothing to lose, so you lay it out for her. You want this woman to be a friend. You want this woman to be able to understand you the way that your friend Jacki in Australia does. You want her to be able to inspire you and express herself the same way that your friend Chelsea does. You want to be able to talk to her for hours the same way that you do with Sandy. You want her to see you as a father, the same way that your friend Lisa does. You want the innocence and sense of humor that your friend Lara has. You want her to have a smile that beams like Deborah’s.
You’d like a nice mix of Mary-Louise Parker, Molly Shannon, a Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, and Lydia. “Lydia?” she’ll ask. Yeah, the one who cooks on public television.
After she stops laughing, you’ll tell her that you want to share the things you write with this particular woman. You want a woman who will encourage you and tell you where you need to improve. You want a woman to see and understand the fiction in the truth that you write.
This woman should ask you to read to her. After all, you’ve got a great voice, and you just want to share it. You want her to ask you to read things that you’ve written for her. You want her to ask you to read fairy tales to her.
You want someone who enjoys talking to you. You want a woman with stories. You want a woman who’s curious about your stories. You want someone who can talk with you about nothing important for more than two hours on the phone and call you back fifteen minutes later just because she likes your voice and wants to tell you another story.
You want a woman who is comfortable with silence.
She will laugh when you tell her that Celia Cruz was hard to look at. You will tell her that Melao De Caña is one of your favorite songs. You’ll tell her that you can’t sing, but you try. You’ve been humoring local audiences on karaoke night, lately. You’ll want to sing Cuban Cabby to her, but she’ll stop you before you make a fool out of yourself in the coffee shop.
Even though it’s late, you’ll tell her that you want someone to take airplane rides with. Where you really want to go is Rio de Janeiro. You want to stay at the Copacabana Palace and stay in the presidential suite. You want to go to San Diego. You love Los Angeles, you’ll tell her. You want to go to Australia. You want to visit Byron Bay and buy something at the Wicked Weasel store for her. You want to go to Budapest, just because you like the way the word sounds when you say it. You want to go back to Dijon, France. You want to go to Las Vegas and party all night because that’s what you think people should do while they’re in Vegas. You want to stay on Bourbon Street in New Orleans when it’s cold up north. You want to have vacation sex on a cruise ship.
You’re hoping that she has been to some of the same places in life that you’ve been to. Likewise, you’re hoping to introduce her to some of the places you’ve been to, also. You’ll add that you want her to tell you about some of the places in life that you’ve never been to, and excite you enough with stories about them so that you’ll want to visit those places.
You’ve been told that you’re the kind of guy who’s a good listener, you’ll tell her. Your friends ask you for advice or to just listen to what they have to say. You want to give that to someone, you explain. You want to have someone listen to you, too.
You’re the kind of guy who likes sarcasm, but you’re more sensitive than most people might think. You see yourself as the kind of guy that can lay out a healthy plate of sarcasm, but you try to be careful with your words because you know that sometimes they can cut without it being intentional.
You’re the kind of guy who’s patient. It’s rare that you yell for any reason. You don’t like to be backed into a corner, though. You talk. You see yourself as the kind of guy who doesn’t care about winning an argument. You only care about being heard, understood, and being able to say what’s on your mind. You don’t need to yell to do that.
You’ll want her to know all of these things upfront because you’re hoping that there will be a tomorrow with her.
Making dinner with this someone special is a requirement. You will not spend time with someone who exiles you from the kitchen or doesn’t want to be a part of putting dinner on the table. You think it’s very intimate. You want someone who likes your chocolate chip pankakes enough to ask for them. You want to make Chicken French for someone. You want someone who makes meals that you like, too. You want to share a kitchen with someone. You think that’s so sexy, cooking together.
You want someone to eat up all of your free time. You want someone to fall asleep with. You want someone that you can wake up at two am and watch half a movie with.
If you haven’t said it already, you want a woman who wants you as much as you want them.
You want to have birthday sex and vacation sex. You want someone who can live without a television in the bedroom. You want a woman who likes to touch you. You want a woman who wants to be touched by you. You want a woman who fantasizes about making love on the beach, in the rain during a thunderstorm, at the top of your hill, or anywhere else that seems like a good place, even if other people wouldn’t be as daring.
You want someone who loves the beach as much as you do. Someday you’d like to have a beach house, and she should, too. Someday, you’d like to be sitting next to someone special on the deck of a beach house on the ocean, watching the sun come up. You want someone who loves movies as much as you do. You want a woman who likes to get dirty working in the yard…and the bedroom. You want a woman who likes to read.
You want a woman who’s awake more than they’re asleep. You want someone who wakes up wanting to try something that they’re not sure they can do, but wants to try anyway. It’s ok if they fail, even if the task is simple. You tell her that you do it every day.
You want a woman who’s ambitious. You want a woman who’s intelligent, even if it’s just street smarts.
You want a woman who’s devoted to you.
You want to love this woman so much that you’ll want to marry her every day. You want it to be a no-brainer when you go to buy the ring. You want that person to inspire you to do something she’ll never forget when you propose. You want her to have a story for the rest of her life about how you proposed to her. You want the story to be better than anyone else’s, even if it doesn’t involve fireworks.
You want someone to share your Gettysburg Mail Order Bride Checklist Address (or whatever it is that you’re calling it) with. You want someone to share it with who wants those same things. You want someone who will reciprocate and add to the list, adding things that you’d never considered. You’ll listen and say, “Yeah. I want that, too.”
At some point, the evening has to end, but the conversation doesn’t. If you’re lucky, the coffee cups in front of you will be empty at the same time. The sun will be peaking through the trees. Fortuities, you know. You’ll kiss and the evening, the conversation, and the fortuities will never end.
You will have met this girl who wouldn’t, et cetera. You will have explained to her that you were slumming. It will be 6 A.M. Lower East Side of your soul on a lark. The two of you will step nimbly between the piles of garbage on the way back to your car, to the gay marimba rhythms spilling out of a car passing by.
She will know exactly what you mean when you smile and simply say, “Fortuities.”
