Take out the desperate letters
that you never sent
to anyone but yourself.
Read every syllable that
connects a sigh or two
as you picture your beloved’s face.
Those lines that appear
on his forehead when he’s quizzical.
And the light creases drawn
on both sides of his temples
cascading to his cheeks
when you crack your silly jokes again.
Remember the best laughter
that you shared together.
Read the desperate notes
smiling or maybe crying,
sipping your favorite wine
that you used to share.
Cry. Breathe. Take a sip. Cry again.
Now find in those desperate notes
your own voice that screams
“I desire to be loved.”
Repeat that to yourself now.
Then move to that spot
in your apartment where
he used to make you whimper and moan.
Better if you sit comfortably in that spot
in front of a mirror —
so you can see
how sensually beautiful you are.
Open your legs not just in his memory.
Trail your fingers on familiar nerve pathways
that you haven’t paid attention to,
because you were so busy
counting what you’ve lost.
This is your time to gain
wisdom about your needs,
power over your fears,
and love that you have withheld
from yourself for so long.
So place that thumb
on your precious bud
and move it in circles tastefully.
Listen to the rhythm
of your pulse, begging
you not to stop.
In the mirror,
look at how erotic you are
as you gyrate on those fingers
that are made to please
not just him – or them
but also yourself.
That woman aching inside you
needs the desperate notes
to be true to herself.
But oh, your moments of undoing
when your ooh’s and aaah’s
cry out not just his name
but your immense delight
in reaching ecstasy.
That is so priceless.
That could sound unreal,
so just feel the precious cream
dripping down your thighs
from your immense heat.
And you’ll learn that you can smile
even without seeing his face again.
Your undoing is your gateway
to free yourself from agony.
Once you trace from those notes
your unspoken yearning,
the pentup passion,
the questions that remain unanswered,
the what if’s and but’s,
and how you define them all together,
you will find courage to agree
with your inner voice
that touching yourself
is not just touching to reach pleasure.
Touching is revisiting your soul.
You may need to read those
desperate notes again,
or sip the glass of wine once more
to remember his touch.
But this time, yes — this time,
you are touching your wetness
because you agree
with that woman’s voice inside you
that you truly,
willingly,
and unapologetically
deserve to be happy.
