More than a week later, I can still see the faint mark just above my left nipple where he sucked my breast with such intense passion. I look at it each day in the mirror, run my finger over that spot and feel a rush of pleasure flow through my body remembering our time together.
A few days before our session, we talked on the phone. I usually know exactly how I want things to go. I take so much pleasure in detailing my desires and imagining what I want. This time I had no clarity, my mind was blank. I could locate a feeling that I wanted to have, but I couldn’t find the words to describe it or the path to get there. Nothing we discussed felt quite right, I was in an unknown place, floating… waiting for the right current to move me.
As I entered the room, I immediately felt drawn into his arms. He enveloped me, running his hands up and down my body, saying how good I felt. I leaned in, let myself flow into the energy between us. Sometimes, in between our sessions, I live in denial of the energy that exists between our bodies when we are together. It’s an attempt to protect my heart, protect myself from the pain of wanting more maybe.
It’s undeniable, though. The erotic energy is reliably there between us. His lips are near my ear and he asks if I want to talk about boundaries. He asks if it’s okay to talk about boundaries while he’s touching me. I smile and say yes. My boundaries are the same as last time.
I’ve pulled back a bit and we look into each other’s eyes. He asks me, “How do you feel about kissing?”
I feel the magnetic energy that could easily draw our lips together. The rest of the room fades away and we exist inside a bubble together. I realize too long has passed since he spoke and I giggle out of awkwardness.
“Can you ask me again later?” I feel drawn to say yes, but something is in the way at this moment.
He says, “Definitely,” smiling at me. He’s so graceful with my awkwardness, and my sometimes childish giddiness.
“How would you like to spend our time together?” he asks.
I explain how I still do not have a clear idea. I tell him how I long to let go of working so hard to plan everything out. “I just want to have fun together. I want to be here with you and follow the energy that arises between us,” I say.
He brings up Alan Watts’ concept of the universe at play. We have a plan to engage in conscious intimacy play.
I ask him on our phone call what he meant by conscious intimacy. He simply says, “It’s when we know what we are doing, and why we are doing it.”
What we are doing is continuing to explore the erotic energy between us led by me and my desires within my boundaries. Why we are doing it is because I have chosen to engage and with him this way to find my authentic sexual, sensual self and understand what I want, what I like and how to communicate about it. I am so incredibly grateful for this opportunity. I cannot believe that I found someone to help me in this way. I’ve needed this kind of support since I can remember and had no idea how to find it.
“I’d like to get on the table now.” I say. I start to take my clothes off. It’s not a big production like before. I just want to be naked and lie down on my stomach on the table so that he can run his hands over my body and feel all of me.
I hear and feel him also taking his clothes off. I am happy we are both naked. I like it that way. I remember back to a time when I felt uncomfortable with the idea of him being naked. I think being naked is his preference.
After drizzling warm oil up and down my legs, over my ass, and along my back, he sits on the side of the table, draping one of my arms over his leg. My arm briefly touches his fully erect cock. I gently feel the parts of his leg I have access to. He makes sounds of pleasure and it seems like he really likes my touch.
“Do you like how much you turn me on?” he says.
“Yes,” I respond, my face pressed into the silk face cradle cover.
He leans down and spends some time slowly kissing the back and sides of my neck, then my ears.
Then he comes around in front of me as I arch my back and come up on my elbows. His face is very close to mine. He doesn’t say anything, but I understand that he is offering me his lips to kiss. I rub my face against his. I feel the energy drawing me into him so strongly. He’s just slightly out of my reach though, I have to strain forward to reach his lips with mine. I feel his breath on my lips just before they meet. It’s the first time we’ve kissed. It’s slow, sweet and deep. I feel my pussy pulsing and a rush of warmth flooding my vulva, always a good sign.
He pulls back slightly and looks into my eyes.
“You’re lovely,” he says.
I blush.
We kiss more, even deeper.
“Turn over,” he says in a deep voice.
He’s devouring my breasts with an intensity I really love. It reminds me that I love riding the line between pleasure and pain when it comes to having my breasts played with and my nipples sucked. I tell him that I like the intensity, I like it when it hurts a little bit.
I feel the tip of his hard cock resting just above my pussy. He pushes his hips into mine and begins smoothly rubbing the head of his cock back and forth over my clitoris. He’s kissing me as I’m moaning, then his mouth is on my breasts again. Time seems to stand still as I feel the rise and fall of my orgasm, waking up, flooding my pussy, my hips, my entire pelvic area. It doesn’t crescendo, but rings in the air like a vibrational sound from a crystal bowl.
I could feel myself melting from the inside out, layers of armor melting, my clitoris being massaged so expertly. The head of his cock feels like pure love worshipping my pussy. I love that firm, smooth, consistent motion so much. The warm glow rose up through my entire body.
It feels like a dream now. Those might have been some of the best moments of my life. That feeling, so indescribable and the pleasure unimaginable. My whole body pulsing.
“More. Yes. More.”
Eventually, his rhythm slowed and came to a stop. He lay on top of me and our lips came together in a slow, deep kiss. I was overcome with sensation. He sensed my need to slow things down. I am so grateful for the way he tracks my nervous system like this. I’m often not aware of how overwhelmed I am until it has been going on for a long time.
“Can we cuddle in bed?” I ask him.
“Yes, we can,” he says, helping me up off of the table.
I lay with my head on his chest listening to his heartbeat, our legs are intertwined as we snuggle under the covers. I tried to explain to him how amazing it felt and I couldn’t find the right words. He was there, he didn’t need me to explain, but I still tried.
I’m running my fingers over his collarbone as he tells me a story about a lover he had long ago. I feel a part of his bone that makes me wonder if he broke it. I feel in my fingertips that it’s a very sensitive spot. The vulnerability of his body naked intertwined with mine feels so sacred to me. I imagine having him lie on the table and taking my time to touch and feel into every part of his body. I imagine taking my time getting to know his cock. I desire to kiss, lick and feel every part of it with my lips. I love when the desire to pleasure a man’s cock has the time to arise organically inside of me. So often a cock is in my face before I have the time to desire it to be there.
I know I’ve drifted away a bit from him as I’ve been fantasizing. I feel the sensual energy between us start to rise again as he’s touching my body and positioning himself on top of me again. He tosses many of the pillows away with a passion that excites me. He’s hovering above me and asks if he can put his cock between my breasts. I say yes and hold them together as he slides in and out moaning and letting me know how much pleasure this gives him. Then he moves his cock back down by my clitoris again. The slow steady motion massaging me into the waves of my rising orgasm again.
I look into his eyes and say, “I want to be on top of you.”
“Yes,” he says, “I want that too.”
He slides his body underneath mine and I move my hips on top of him so that I’m controlling the motion and rubbing my clit on the head of his hard cock. It feels so fucking good. He’s holding both my breasts in his hands and trying to suck both my nipples at once like he can’t get enough of them.
I keep grinding my hips into him harder and faster. I feel my pussy aching for him to be all the way inside me, but I stay within my boundaries even though I want it so much. I love the feeling of wanting it so much. It’s so hot, it pushes me over the edge into a climax. It’s a shorter, milder orgasm that I expected. As it fades and I’m on top of him, I feel embarrassed all of a sudden about how much I let myself let go just then. I roll over and off of him and he cuddles me again. Something makes me laugh and it feels so good to be in bed together, talking, laughing, warm, connected, and happy. I wish that moment could have lasted much longer.
It’s time to go though. As I stood up I felt wobbly and had to brace myself on the table and take a minute to ground. I feel how high I am from the contact, the arousal, the hormones, and the feeling of love I have. This is the state that I’ve thought about trying to prevent. The point where I feel fully surrendered to him, where my body feels like it’s merging with his, where I lose track of where I end and who I am. Is this a problem that I am like this? Or is this how humans are?
I soak up his embrace and love the feeling of his hands on me in the final moments before walking out the door and back to my car. I’ll be in this dream, floating along, reliving the moments of our night together for a long time.
Until the next time…
