First-time motherhood with twins when you’ve just turned forty isn’t easy, but I loved it. Alexander and Thomas were my little angels with their thick mops of dark hair.
“Just like their father,” tutted my mother, Hazel. “Whoever he may be.”
Mum tried to pretend to disapprove of me being a middle-aged single mother, but all it took was one of those boys to snuggle into Nana for a cuddle, and she couldn’t hide her joy, moving in to help me during these first months.
“It’s only temporary mind. My little flat is waiting for me, but I can’t see you struggle,” she sniffed. What she really meant was that she didn’t want to miss a second of those baby cuddles.
I was on maternity leave, and I had settled into a routine. We did our jobs in the morning and took the boys out for a long walk and fresh air each afternoon. On one of these walks, we ran into Glenn, my ex-husband, for the first time since I got pregnant.
He looked awful. He’d always been a good-looking man in a slim, rangy sort of way. His blonde hair was unkempt. He looked shabby.
“Abby,” he smiled at me. “Hazel”, he nodded at Mum, who simply glared at him. He looked into the pram and smiled again, “Who are you looking after here?”
“I’m not looking after them; they’re mine,” I replied.
Glenn looks stunned, “I wish. I wish that they –“
“That they were yours, “ I interrupted, ”Well, they could have been. There were ways, but you always refused.” He looked stricken, and I felt a bit sorry for him for a minute.
“Well,” said Mum, filling the awkward silence, “We’ll be off. I want to say it was nice to see you. again, Glenn, but I’d be lying.” With that, Mum marched the twins off down the path; before I could follow, Glenn asked,
“How are you, Abby?”
“I’m very happy – finally,” I added. I couldn’t resist a little dig.
“I’m sorry if I made you unhappy.”
“If?” I laughed, “I was devastated. Glenn, and so lonely, only the boys have helped me heal and move on.”
“It was never about you, Abby; you were perfect. It was all about me being selfish.” He paused, and I refused to fill the silence, “Did you go to a clinic to get the boys? We talked about that once, didn’t we?”
“Just the once, and you completely shut it down, if I remember. No, I didn’t go to a clinic. Some men still find me attractive. The twins were made in the old-fashioned way. It was wonderful, too. I found out that you’d been short-changing me. Glenn, I never knew it could be like that.”
“You’re just being nasty now,” he grumbled.
“Can you blame me, Glenn?” I stared at him pointedly. “Anyway, shouldn’t you be getting back to that little family of yours? Amanda and the children will be missing you.”
“She threw me out two months ago,” he said, unable to meet my gaze. “The children’s real father came back on the scene. Well, out of prison, to be accurate, and she decided that I’d fulfilled my purpose. I miss her and the children so much. She wouldn’t even let me keep the dog. I loved that dog.”
I didn’t know what to say. A year ago, this news would have filled me with joy; now, it had nothing to do with me, and I felt nothing.
“Anyway,” he said quietly, “Your boys are beautiful; you must be so proud. I hope you and their dad are very happy together. You deserve to be happy.”
I should have walked away then, lied perhaps, but my honesty is a curse. “We’re not together at the moment,” I said, “But I’ve got the boys. That’s all that matters.” I finally walked away, and I didn’t look back.
That Friday night, Glenn turned up at the house. I wouldn’t let him in. He was drunk and loud, telling me that he loved me, that he’d always loved me, that he was sorry, “Please let me come home. I love you. Let me love you again. Let me be a dad to the twins; they need me, too.”
“No, they don’t,” I shouted. “Neither do I; now shove off before you wake them.”
“No,” he shouted, his voice getting even louder, “I’m not going anywhere; we’re meant to be together. You’re not going to let one little mistake spoil it, are you?”
“One little mistake?” I spat, “You divorced me; you left me.”
“Only one mistake in all those years. I’m not going anywhere until I’ve convinced you,” he cried, raising his voice higher and higher. He grabbed hold of my wrist, and I felt suddenly scared until he was pushed to the floor in front of me, releasing my wrist as he fell. I could hear the boy’s crying inside. But then I saw him illuminated by the light of the porch. It was Vasil.
“Are you OK?” he asked gently. Dumbly, I nodded as he bent over Glenn.
“Now you listen, and you listen, good, mate. Abby has told you to shove off, and now I am telling you. Don’t come here again. You’ve upset my lady, and you’ve made my boys cry. Now do one.”
Glenn scrambled to his feet and scuttled off. I just stood there, stunned. There was Vasil, looking as gorgeous as ever. I sensed Mum standing behind me.
“Well, you took your time, Daddy, better late than never. I suppose you could call it good timing in the end. You better come in,” said Mum.
I stood rooted to the spot as she led a smiling Vasil past me. His lips lightly brushed my cheek as he passed. There it was again, that spark. I tried hard to forget that spark over the intervening months, but it was still there. Damn him. I followed him as he gazed down at his boys for the first time. His eyes were full of wonder as he took both their little hands in his.
“My boys,” he said.
“Yes, our boys,” I replied
I went into the kitchen to let him have this moment with them. I held on to the kitchen counter and tried to breathe deeply. The coldness of the marble cooled the palms of my hands until I felt his hand move gently down my back. It was happening again, that feeling, that feeling of want, of need. How could he do this to me so easily?
“Who are you?” I snapped. “Why are you here?”
“You know who I am, Abby. I’m the father of your sons, and I’m here to see them,” he smiled, “And you.”
As I stared at him, he gently guided me to the table. I couldn’t look at him without feeling that attraction, that heat between us. “That’s not what I meant, and you know it,” I growled. “The Vasil I knew was a Bulgarian with a thick accent and hardly any English. Not a smart-arse with a Lancashire accent.”
“Yes, well, I’m sorry about that. I thought I was giving you what you wanted: a night of fun with a simple car wash man. Turns out I didn’t think about what I wanted.”
I looked at him, puzzled. I couldn’t cope with this. I was exhausted. My ex-husband had just asked to move back in, and now my baby daddy had become an entirely different person. Although still a very sexy one, the swine.
Vasil retook my hand and stroked it, “Time to fess up, I suppose, ‘Beautiful lady’,” he smiled using the thick accent again. “I’m Vasil Petrov, half-Bulgarian with a Lancashire mum. I’m from Clitheroe, actually, and I’m thirty-one.”
“I thought you were twenty-six? You look even younger than that.”
“Good skin, well moisturised and of course, you’re biased as you think I’m beautiful,” he laughed and gave me that devastating smile, “Are you going to let me carry on?”
I just nodded, suddenly embarrassed, as he continued, “I’m a teacher. I had a bad break-up. My fiancée ran off with my best mate. It was a summer holiday, and I was upset, lonely and bored. My cousin, Stoyen, told me to come along and help at the car wash like I had in my university days. It is surprisingly good money, but it wasn’t about that; it was about the banter and the craic with the lads. He knew that it would cheer me up, that it was what I needed. He knew that you were what I needed, too. He knew I was attracted to you, and your three visits in one week told me that you felt the same. You stared at me with such hunger,” he said, stroking my hand.
“I didn’t,” I protested.
“You did, and you know it. I looked at you in the same way.”
“So, what was all this poor little Vasil with his pigeon English rubbish?”
“Well, I thought I was giving you a fantasy, a one-off with an exotic stranger, no conversation needed. We didn’t need conversation either, did we?” he smirked, looking up at me through those thick, dark lashes. He really should be a model. “What I didn’t realise,” he said, now stroking the inside of my upper arm, “Was that it would be so good and that I would want more. I’ve never really done one-night stands. I made an exception for you, and I’ve regretted it ever since.”
“Well, thank you very much; you’ve just taken one of my special memories and ruined it,” I said before realising what I’d admitted.
“You’re not listening,” he said firmly, ”I may have to put you in detention. You ruined me for anyone else; that’s why I regretted it. I’d had the best, but how could I ever have more? I have thought so much about you, but what could I do? I met this beautiful woman who thinks I’m just a dumb foreign kid, and she made it quite plain that it’s a one-off. I want more, but I’ve tricked her and only ended up hurting myself.”
“Why now?”
“Because every time I spoke to Stoyen, I asked if he’d seen you around since he’s closed the car wash. He finally did see you pushing the pram. He saw the boys and didn’t need to do the maths to know they were family. So, as soon as school finished, I drove up here. I needed to see the boys, but I needed to see you, too. To tell you that you are not alone, I want to help you.”
“I don’t need your help,” I grumbled.
“Well, I beg to differ, looking at that knobhead who was hassling you before,”
He was now stroking his fingers on the inner part of my upper arm. I suddenly felt so hot. How can he have this effect on me so easily? I’ve just had twins. My breasts are full of milk, and I am barely healed from my caesarean. The last thing I’ve been thinking about is sex, yet one touch, one stroke, and he has got me panting for him again.
Luckily, my Mum appears to save me from myself, “I’m Hazel, Abby’s mum. I’m trying to be cross with you, but I can’t be. You’ve made me a grandma – finally,” she said, staring at me, “And for that, I’ll be eternally grateful. You also got rid of that idiot ex-son-in-law of mine. If you’re trying to impress me, young man, you are doing a mighty fine job.” She smiled almost coquettishly and fluttered her eyelashes. How embarrassing.
“As for you, darling daughter, I was prepared to overlook your loosened morals when my boys were the result. Now I’ve seen him, you’re entirely forgiven. He’s making me come over all peculiar, and I’ve not been interested since your dad died. I can only imagine what effect he had on you.”
“Mum, I said,” cringing in embarrassment.
“He is obviously firing on all cylinders,” she said, glancing at Vasil. “If you two get your skates on, there might even be a chance to give me a granddaughter.”
“Mum, that’s enough,” I said through gritted teeth as Vasil beamed at her.
“Right then, I’ll be off and go and check on my flat. The angels are both asleep now. I’ll stay at my flat tonight. I’ll leave you two to carry on talking, or whatever it is you’ve got planned,” with that she winked at Vasil and was gone.
We stared at each other for a long time before I broke the silence. “Would you like to kiss your sons good night?” I asked.
“There’s nothing I’d like better,” he smiled as I led him to the nursery. I hovered in the doorway, reluctant to leave him alone with them, even if he helped to create them. He gently kissed each of them on the head, careful not to wake them. He was so gentle, so lovely. I felt the wetness on my cheeks before I realised I was crying. I saw his shoulders shaking as he bent over them. As he turned to me, I noticed his cheeks were wet, too. His eyes filled with tears.
“I don’t understand,” he said. “They are strangers; I’ve just met them, yet I love them with all my heart. I’d die for them. How’s that possible?” he said as he met me on the landing.
“It’s called being a parent, Vasil, it is overwhelming, but it’s wonderful.”
I find myself holding his face in my hand and wiping his tears away with my thumbs. He’d lied to me about who and what he was, but I still wanted him more than I’d ever wanted any man. I was angry at him. I was full of anger still, but I was overwhelmed with lust.
“I came to tell you,” I smiled as I kissed his cheek, “About the boys, but you were gone.”
“You did?” said Vasil as he searched my face for the truth.
“I didn’t want anything from you, but you deserved to know about them. It was the right thing to do.”
“What about now,” he smiled, gently cradling the underside of my breast with his hands and rolling his fingers over my nipples through the material of my top. Do you want anything from me now?”
“Just be honest with me from now on, Vasil,”
“Oh, I’ve learnt my lesson—Scout’s honour. Being deceptive brought me nothing but unhappiness. Honesty is the best policy,” he murmured as he nuzzled into my neck, kissing me and breathing into my ear. He was making me melt – again.
“Vasil, things are different now; I’ve just had two babies. I’m a saggy old mother of two. I don’t look the same and couldn’t bear to disappoint you.”
“You could never disappoint me. You’ve just had my babies, and that alone makes you beautiful in my eyes. But seriously, have you looked in the mirror lately, you are even more beautiful. You’re glowing and still, my beautiful lady.”
He lifted my face then and finally kissed me deep and hard. With a longing, a need to taste me to possess me. He gently lifted my top over my head, pausing to kiss the top of my breasts overflowing from my nursing bra. He looked at them with reverence and smiled before lowering me onto the bed, kissing down my body and my tummy until he came to my scar. I cringed as he came near it, but he covered it with the gentlest of light kisses all the way along, murmuring how beautiful I was. He gently pulled my knickers slowly, languidly down my thighs, drawing my legs up until they reached my ankles. He kissed my ankles lovingly, rolling his tongue around my ankle bone. I remember when he did that before, and the memory fuelled my excitement even more.
He smiled as I removed my bra, and he kissed back down my legs, pausing to kiss along the inside of my thighs until he buried his face into my folds. I’d missed this so much. He licked me all around gently, sucking in my lips and wetness until his tongue became stiff, and he began stabbing at me. His signature move. He was making love to me with his tongue and did it so well. Finally, as I reached my peak, his tongue softened on my clit, and I came and came hard. As I was orgasming, I felt my milk leaking, squirting as I came. As I recovered, I was suddenly embarrassed; I closed my eyes and tried to grasp the sheet to cover my leaking. It was too late as I felt Vasil’s tongue gently lapping up the milk that leaked during our passion.
“Can I suck you? Will there be enough for the babies if I do?”
“There will be plenty if you are sure you want to.”
“I can’t think of anything I’d rather do.”
I nodded my agreement, and he hovered above me before gently taking one breast in his hand and latching on to my swollen and engorged nipples. It was such a different feeling, so different to have a man, this gorgeous man, suckle me. It was the difference between night and day. With him, it was sexy and sensual. From the sighs of pleasure, I heard from him, I knew he agreed. I reached down for him and stroked him gently at first and then more insistent, faster and faster. He came with a roar, covering that furry tummy and chest with his seed.
“I’m sorry,” he said, lifting his head from my breast. “It’s been a long time. You excite me so much,”
He kissed me before latching on to my other breast. This time, his hands caressed me further with first one, then two fingers in me, opening me up in readiness for him. He was soon hard again when he asked me what I wanted, and if I needed him. I almost begged him before he pushed himself into me. I was so happy to have him inside me again. It felt so right as he gently started to move inside me, kissing me, teasing my lips with his tongue as he filled me.
My arms strayed down his broad back until they rested on the silky-smooth skin of his firm buttocks. I clung to them, kneading and clutching at him. Fearful that he would disappear again and leave me wanting him. His thrusts became more vigorous and deeper as his urge to orgasm overtook him. As he came closer, I joined him as we came together; he cried out so loudly I was afraid he would wake the babies. I was so delighted that I had this effect on him that I could make him lose himself so completely.
Afterwards, as we held each other, I stroked the pelt of hair on his chest, trying to seek out his nipples, which turned out to be as sensitive as mine.
“You’re so beautiful,” he said, “You once told me that I was your best, but you’re my best by far.”
I smiled and concentrated on the ceiling, scared to look at him, to let him see the glow that statement had wrought.
“You’re not getting rid of me, you know,” he stated.
“Well. I know you want to see the boys. I accept that they need you now. We may have had children together, but we’re still relative strangers. Let’s not make this something it isn’t.”
“No, we both know exactly what this is, but you’re not prepared to admit it. We have this incredible heat between us. We might not know each other well, but what we do know, we like.”
“Like what?” I stared at him.
“Well, that I’m a good guy with a good job who loves children and is entirely monogamous when in a relationship. Think of the conversations we can have when we fully get to know each other. What else do you know about me? I make you feel better than anyone else before. I help you make gorgeous babies, and you think I’m beautiful! Well, you know that I believe that you are, too.”
“Well, what else do you know about me,” I said, nestling my head on the soft hair of his chest. I was starting to feel at home there.
“I know you are a wonderful mother; you’re smart, independent, and successful; I also know you have integrity. You tried to find me to tell me about the twins. You didn’t have to do it, but you knew that it was the right thing to do. As well as being beautiful, you’re strangely shy. You are also the best lover I’ve ever had.”
“Well,” I mused, ”I suppose we do know a lot of the important stuff. As wonderful as all this has been, Vasil, as wonderful as you’ve been. I don’t want anything to complicate your relationship with the twins. They are the most important thing here.”
“Abby, I love that you put them first, but I think we need to admit that this thing between us isn’t going anywhere. I’m prepared to go slowly for the boy’s sake, but I’m quite convinced that we belong together,” he squeezed me harder into him as if worried I might try to escape. “Just give me the chance to prove it, to love you.”
Call it post-pregnancy hormones, love, desire or whatever you want, but I didn’t need much convincing. Although I wouldn’t admit it to him at that point, the one thing I was sure of was that I didn’t want to lose him again. If I was honest with myself, I knew the boys would have a relationship with him whatever happened, but I needed him for me.
Much to my mother’s delight, Vasil continued to spend as much time as he possibly could with me and the boys over the following months. He was a wonderful, attentive father and seemed determined to make up for the little bit of time he had missed with them. He also seemed determined to convince me that we had much more than mere passion, as incredible as that was. I found in him a funny, cheeky, intelligent man who was very easy to love.
Mum often babysat as we dated, laughing that, “First, you have the babies, and then you get to know each other. New-fangled ideas.”
