Dolores sat in her attic, staring at a daunting pile of old boxes. One, in particular, a soccer cleat box labeled, “Summer 75” caught her eye. She had to start somewhere. She lifted the lid with trepidation. She knew what was in there and her best instincts said she should just toss the box without looking. But curiosity got the better of her. There amidst odd souvenirs, postcards, and a few photos, was a pink diary, complete with glued-on hearts and hand-drawn flowers.
She fondled the various trinkets with a mix of nostalgia and disgust. She looked through the half dozen or so postcards of Catskill motels and resorts. There were three faded photos. One of her in a gingham bikini in a silly pinup girl pose. One of her in cutoffs and tight t-shirt, leaning against a late sixties Camaro. And one of her and her “Uncle” Bert, dressed up for a date. He was in a tan suit, a colorful shirt open to his hairy chest; she was in a tight, off-the-shoulder white dress, with a skirt cut on the bias, slanting from quite short to knee length. So seventies. They looked dated and a bit silly, but full of youthful beauty and silently screaming of sex.
Fuck he was gorgeous, Dolores thought to herself. Creepy. But gorgeous. Full, dark wavy hair, coiffed carefully at ear lobe level and feathered back just below the collar. Deep, dark, penetrating eyes, and a brilliant smile peering from beneath a cop mustache. She was gorgeous too, Dolores realized, though she hadn’t thought of herself like that at the time. Long sun-lightened blonde hair, parted down the middle, her legs defined and tan, her waist as narrow as a wisp. Her tits, which she thought to be tiny at the time, strained against the cloth of the dress with the firmness that only an eighteen-year-old could have.
Humbert, Bert for short, was Aunt Charlotte’s second husband. In retrospect smarmy and manipulative, he seemed like a charming prince to teenage Dolores. Dolores’s mother seemed to hate him instantly, which only increased her attraction to him. He and Aunt Charlotte lived a few towns over, but they were frequent visitors as they enjoyed Dolores’s parents ’ free food, pool, and booze. And Bert enjoyed Dolores.
Aunt Charlotte had been quite beautiful in her day, though drink and stress had taken a toll, and she looked a bit older than her thirty-nine years. Bert was thirty, fit and flashy, and full of himself; only Charlotte could miss that he was using her for her modest widow’s money. He showered her with pet names and compliments, but could also say the meanest of things to her when he didn’t get what he wanted. And if he mentioned another woman’s name, Charlotte would be stricken with jealous fear. Dolores’s mother and father could see clearly that this was how he controlled her.
Dolores did not realize it at the time, but Bert was working a similar kind of mind control on her. On every visit, Bert made a point of paying Dolores a compliment. When they were alone he would tell her how pretty her pale blue eyes were, or how he liked the freckles on her nose, or how he loved her muscular “tomboy” legs. When he did so he would look at her with a dark intensity that caused an immediate reaction. She would flush with excitement as her nipples hardened and her clit buzzed. The boys at school did not show Dolores this kind of attention. She went from class to class with her books clutched to her chest, which she thought too small, and loose-fitting jeans over her soccer-playing ass and thighs, which she thought too big. She’d been with only one boy, an unfortunate disaster at track camp.
Bert’s attention went straight to her head. But it was Bert’s sudden withdrawal of that attention that gave him his control over her. He would pay her a compliment, flash a smile, then not look at her for the rest of the time he was there. Sometimes he would express slight disappointment at something she was wearing, or how her hair looked. When her parents or Aunt was out of earshot he would tell her to “show a little more skin!” with a lecherous laugh. Dolores would fly from ecstatic highs to crashing lows around him. She began to pick out clothes with Bert in mind, and dress in an ever more revealing fashion for his pleasure. More than once she had bounded downstairs in tiny shorts and tinier tube top to be told, “Go put some clothes on young lady!” by her mother.
In time, Bert got more aggressive with his advances. It started with hugs. Then a stroke of her hair. Then a hand on her ass, thigh, or tummy. Glancing at first. Then lingering. The kissing started soon after. He quickly progressed to reaching under Dolores’s blouse to caress her pert B-cup breasts. Or down her shorts to feel her wetness. And then he would suddenly pull away, or avoid her entirely, driving Dolores crazy. He had her. Her heart and mind were in his control.
These memories, long dormant and buried with shame and distance, washed over Dolores as she looked through the box. With trembling arthritic hands she turned the tiny key of the old diary and thumbed her way through the pages in horror. And excitement.
May 2, 1975: Bert came over today. He drove separately from Aunt Charlotte and arrived early. He asked my Dad if we needed anything and then offered to go to the store. He said I should go along to help him find stuff at the grocery store. We drove straight to an empty lot that he knew. He is such a good kisser. And he smells amazing. Old Spice, I think. He told me I’m the most beautiful girl he’s ever been with. I pulled down my jeans and let him play with my pussy while he sucked my nipples. Then he pulled out his big, thick rod and had me kiss it. It was amazing. So hard. He spit on it and had me stroke it. I think I did a good job. He was moaning and I think he would have shot a load onto my belly but a car drove by and we quickly pulled our clothes back on. I can’t wait to see him again.
May 10, 1975: Bert and Charlotte came over today. Uncle Bert hardly talked to me. He said my hair looked messy and that my shorts were ugly. I brushed my hair and changed to the really short white ones that he likes, but he didn’t seem to notice. I went to my room and cried.
May 26, 1975: I wore a bikini top and super short cut off’s when Bert came over today. Mom told me to change but I didn’t. I caught Bert looking a few times. We snuck into the laundry room together. He told me to drop my shorts and I did. I wasn’t wearing panties. He dropped to his knees on the laundry pile and pulled my pussy against his mouth. He kissed my mound and flicked his tongue between my wet folds. I thought I would pass out!!! Then he pushed me up against the dryer and ground his thing against my ass. God I wanted him to take me. But after a bear growl he gave my ass cheeks two hard spanks and walked out. I rubbed out a groaner right there.
June 1, 1975: Bert and Charlotte not coming this weekend. Bert said he would call me but he didn’t.
June 10, 1975: Bert and Charlotte came to the graduation party. He told me he didn’t like my dress, which made me cry, but then he walked with me outside and kissed me. He felt up my tits and pinched my nipples. I told him I wanted to suck his dick, but my Dad called looking for me. I can’t wait to do it with him!!!
The now mature Dolores cringed at her younger self’s awful judgment, and her excessive use of exclamation points, complete with hearts for dots.
June 22, 1975: I met Bert at the 7-11 and went for a drive. He put the top down on the Camaro. It was so cool. He drove down a dirt road into the woods. I knew what was going to happen. We stopped and kissed for a long time and then he told me to get out of the car. My heart was beating so fast!!! When we got out we walked a little way into the woods and then he sat down on a stump. He said, “strip.” It was the sexiest thing anyone ever said to me. His pants were open and he was playing with his cock. I unbuttoned my blouse and took off my bra. He said I had perfect tits!!!
And then he said “Get naked.” It was so hot!!! I dropped by cut offs and then peeled my white panties past my Keds. “Shoes too. I like your cute feet. Now give me a show.” I pretended I was a Playboy Bunny and I did poses against a tree. Then I played with my titties. Then he said, “Squat. Squat and play with yourself.” I did as he said. I was super wet. I lost my balance and fell on my knees. The twigs and leaves hurt a little. Then he walked over and put his dick in front of my lips.
“Keep touching yourself.” I did, but I knew what else he wanted and I took the head in my mouth. It was salty. And there was a dribble of sort of sweet stuff coming out of the hole. He cupped my head in his hands and moved his dick in and out, very gently and slowly at first, and then faster. I gagged a little but he said that was O.K. I kind of forgot about myself and stopped fingering my clit and instead braced myself against his strong thighs. He started to moan and there was more dribble coming out of his thing and then he pulled out suddenly and shot a whole lot onto my neck and chest. “Next time that will go in your mouth,” he said, as he zipped up his pants. He said “next time”!!! I need to practice!
The elder Dolores rolled her eyes at the scene. She remembered it, quite well. How sexy she had felt. Prancing around naked at his command. Strange. In so much of her later life she had resented the “male gaze,” and how it limited her and reduced her choices in life, and love. But as the excited handwriting made clear, her eighteen-year-old self loved the male gaze. Lived for it, was starved for it, was defined by it.
June 30, 1975: Bert came by today. First time in forever. I was so grateful. I hopped in his car without even telling Mom and we drove straight to our spot. He didn’t even have to tell me what he wanted. I got out of the car and tossed my t-shirt and soccer shorts into the back seat. He lay me down on the hood of the car and spread my legs apart. He lapped at my pussy and stuck his fingers in me. It felt unbelievable. I got super close to cumming and then he stopped and dropped his pants. He put a rubber on. He threw my legs over his shoulders and pushed his way in. It felt so big!!! He looked down at me with those magnetic dark eyes and started fucking me. It was amazing! He was thrusting super fast and he was saying stuff like I was a “slut” and his “little fuck toy” and it was SO sexy. He was fucking me super hard and then he pulled out and tore off the condom. He pulled me up by the hair and pushed my head onto his rod. It tasted like burned rubber at first but I didn’t say anything. Bert pushed his thing pretty far into my throat and I gagged. I felt so stupid. But Bert was nice and he said, “Here sweety,” and he had me lie down with my head leaning back over the fender, “this will be easier.” It was! He moved back and forth into my mouth and throat deeper and deeper, until his balls were bouncing off my nose. I got scared for a second and tried to twist away because I sensed what was going to happen. Bert held me tight though and then he groaned and his dick swelled and he shot a gallon of spunk into me. I couldn’t keep up and I gagged again and what I couldn’t swallow leaked out of the side of my mouth and some even came out my nose. I was embarrassed but Bert said I was a “great little cocksucker.” (I’m getting soooo gooood at sex!!!).
July 3, 1975: A guy from school called me up and asked me to go to the fireworks show with him. I said no. I felt bad because I couldn’t tell him I had a boyfriend that was taking me already.
July 4, 1975: Bert never showed up.
July 5, 1975: I talked to Bert on the phone and said I was sad that we hadn’t done anything last night. He was super mad. He said I was a stupid little bitch. I told him I was sorry and I would do anything he wanted. He just hung up. I am crying as I write this.
July 8, 1975: Bert called! He said he forgives me!
July 10, 1975: Bert picked me up at 7-11 so we could go to the spot. He had me blow him while he was driving. It was so cool! He shot into my mouth before we even got there. I swallowed it all except for just a few drops! He said it was later than he thought so he just dropped me off back at the 7-11. I was a little sad, but it’s ok. I just want to make him happy.
July 12, 1975: I overheard Mom and Dad talking about Aunt Charlotte and Bert. Mom said that they were fighting. I wonder if it’s about me. I feel bad for Aunt Charlotte but I wonder if he’s falling in love with me the way I am with him.
Feeling pain for her aunt, and shame at herself, Dolores nearly threw the sad pink book across the attic, but read on.
July 20, 1975: Bert had me meet him at a movie theater. A date! It was my first porno. I learned a lot!!! He took me to a little hotel not far from there and I tried out some of the things I had seen. Bert said I did really good! It was so romantic to make love on a bed for the first time!!!
That wasn’t making love, Dolores corrected her younger self, nearly fifty years removed, as she shuddered at the memory of the tacky rent-by-the-hour “hotel.”
July 25, 1975: Nothing from Bert since our date.
July 27, 1975: Still nothing. I am desperate to see him. I will do anything he wants.
July 29, 1975: Bert and Charlotte came by today! He hardly spoke to me, but when the time was right he pulled me into the laundry room and kissed me. He says he wants to take me on a trip in a couple weeks!!! I want to so badly. I want to make love to him everyday, all day, and all night. But how can I?!!! What will I tell my parents?
Dolores skipped ahead in the diary, half dreading, half excited, for what was coming.
August 15, 1975: I told my mom and dad that I was going camping with Angie. Angie is really camping with her parents and they are supposed to be back by Labor Day. So that kind of works. Angie said she would cover for me. I’m praying no one finds out.
August 20, 1975: It was a long drive today, winding through the Catskill mountain roads with the top down. Bert pulled off for a picnic lunch. It was so romantic. He had a red checkered picnic blanket and wicker basket just like in the movies and we ate in a field under a big maple tree. He fucked me before we even got to desert! It was so sexy to be naked, on all fours, with Bert pounding me from behind while cars were driving by in the distance. He can make me do anything, anywhere, anytime!!!
August 21, 1975: We are in the prettiest cabin by a lake. Bert surprised me with a dress of Aunt Charlotte’s. A super sexy white wrap dress. Bert told me to not wear anything underneath. He said I was as beautiful as any model!!! He took me to dinner at a fancy hotel a few miles away and then we danced in the ballroom. He said he liked showing me off!
When we got back to the cabin Bert stripped me out of the dress as soon as we got inside the door. He had me keep Aunt Charlotte’s slingback high heels on, though, which made me feel like a sexy centerfold model. Bert threw me onto the leather couch and growled like a sexy monster as he attacked me. He was so turned on!!! He pulled my hair, and pinched my nipples, slapped my little boobs, and spanked my ass hard, over and over while he fucked me before he finally shot into my mouth.
It was so exciting! I had TWO really big orgasms! I think that maybe I like it rough. I’m such a bad girl!!!!
Dolores wriggled on the small stool on which…
